Venting Existential thoughts back and very loud

[pochii]

It's been a long while since I have been on here and I really just come on to talk about death bc I don't want to bring it up with anyone else.

It's so so scary to me and I don't want to make someone who's not thinking about it think about it and get scared yk? Figure here we are all talking about it so it's okay.

I have been forgetting to take my meds. I take prozac (fluoxetine) not a lot like 40mg. And for me what it somehow helps with is keeping my mind off of these thoughts that i'll get where i'm just way too aware that i'm alive and only "seeing" what i see right now through light that hits my eyes, etc. All the complex things that make us work and see and live and just knowing i'm gonna die and all i've ever known will be gone and i can't even imagine what nothing is. What it would mean to be dead.

I am probably writing this horribly but it scares me to my core in an instant. All those thoughts happen in a second. Just a jolt of horror and it's kinda just my indicator that i've been forgetting to take my meds.

I used to not want to take them because if i didn't think of this all the time i'd be as good as dead because i wouldn't be aware of it. But I am aware of it just don't think about it very often. It is much nicer on the proper meds that work for me but that part of me that feels like i should always keep it in mind and know kinda shows back up when i don't take my stuff and those thoughts come back.

I have searched online for other people who deal with the same thoughts and I have found a good handful of people. It's nice to know there are other ppl but idek if i'd want to talk to them because they would be like me and it would just send them spiraling.

Idk what the point of this vent rlly is it's just been a while since those thoughts and it scares me bad. If i get fully off i'll just get so scared that i'd rather just get it over with and die so at least i'm not so terrified.

 

[shaggy_dooo]

I think u have like panic attacks about death or something i used to be tormented about it but ive let it go i also take fluoxetine tho and antipsychotics but tbh they never improve my mental health i pretty much feel the same with or without

 

[EveningStock]

It's been a long while since I have been on here and I really just come on to talk about death bc I don't want to bring it up with anyone else.

It's so so scary to me and I don't want to make someone who's not thinking about it think about it and get scared yk? Figure here we are all talking about it so it's okay.

I have been forgetting to take my meds. I take prozac (fluoxetine) not a lot like 40mg. And for me what it somehow helps with is keeping my mind off of these thoughts that i'll get where i'm just way too aware that i'm alive and only "seeing" what i see right now through light that hits my eyes, etc. All the complex things that make us work and see and live and just knowing i'm gonna die and all i've ever known will be gone and i can't even imagine what nothing is. What it would mean to be dead.

I am probably writing this horribly but it scares me to my core in an instant. All those thoughts happen in a second. Just a jolt of horror and it's kinda just my indicator that i've been forgetting to take my meds.

I used to not want to take them because if i didn't think of this all the time i'd be as good as dead because i wouldn't be aware of it. But I am aware of it just don't think about it very often. It is much nicer on the proper meds that work for me but that part of me that feels like i should always keep it in mind and know kinda shows back up when i don't take my stuff and those thoughts come back.

I have searched online for other people who deal with the same thoughts and I have found a good handful of people. It's nice to know there are other ppl but idek if i'd want to talk to them because they would be like me and it would just send them spiraling.

Idk what the point of this vent rlly is it's just been a while since those thoughts and it scares me bad. If i get fully off i'll just get so scared that i'd rather just get it over with and die so at least i'm not so terrified.

You seem to be dealing with serious anxiety pretty much all the time while unmedicated. If you want to get better, you should probably take those pills regularly. Being this aware of being alive isn't a norm, like yeah it's good to think about meaning of life, complexity of the world etc but not in this obsessive manner.

I think I kinda get it tho. I think a lot about death, how it will take everything from me, how time will change the world around me and there will be no going back etc. It doesn't make me terrified, more like uneasy and uncomfortable, idk know how to describe it. The older I am, the worse it gets, the obviously.

I guess it may be way more common than we think but no one really talks about it as they don't wanna be weird?