Venting Everything is "fixed" but I just can't stay away from self destruction

[backtoearth]

So, I left here for months - I went and gave life one last shot to try and create a bearable situation. It worked. I got a support worker and councilor that were both lovely and have taught me so much - I really have been trying and engaging with it as well - I started a small volunteer position and have another position working in my ideal field in the process, everyone I have met has been so kind and understanding of my situation as well as genuinely wanting to support me, I have an income and am finally seen as disabled (legally), I stopped SH, have a reduction plan for my weed usage, started uni again, everything is going so well...

But me being me, I want to ruin it all. Even though I should be feeling a little more secure and optimistic, all I have been able to think about is chucking it all down the drain - running away, doing more harmful drugs, tearing myself open, just anything that could make me feel the same kind of peace as I felt when I was going to attempt to CTB. Nothing feels as correct or safe as destroying myself and my life. I have spent so much time and effort building all of this from literal rock bottom, but the longer I do it and the longer I seem to be stable the more I want to do something drastic. I can't even place a reason for it, it's like I've been wired in a way that makes me self-destruct.

I still don't have a social life, or a purpose for any of this, I'm still in constantly in my overdraft and have maxed out credit cards, and my dad is still keeping my mother alive for some reason even though she is a shell of herself. So it's not perfect by any means, but I thought I would at least be able to appreciate the things I worked so hard to get or feel a little pride. But every night I think about all the ways I could just throw in the towel, because I'm tired. I'm always tired, and scared. Regardless of the external things in my life I am still so paranoid most days, I still have graphic thoughts of mutilation, I still wake up with a sense of dread, I still am terrified of delusional ideas, I am still traumatized and spend every waking moment trying to calm down, I still spend hours fantasizing about how I could die, I still want to die just as badly as before. I'm starting to think that will never change but I don't know how long I will be able to keep this up for.

 

[drearybreadd]

It seems like you've improved your situation but not your actual mental health. You're actually kind of insane (like in a good way) for doing all that in this state. If you're feeling this way every day, you should definitely look into serious cognitive behavioral therapy. No one (except for the occasional exception) is just wired wrong, I think you've grown comfortable with your life of ruin and depression that it's hard to adjust to a normal life now. It's really your choice, but no matter how much you change your life, if you don't change yourself the way you feel will probably not change. Lack of social support and also constantly being trapped in terror, exhaustion, and paranoia? Of course anyone would feel this way. It's easy to fall and difficult to climb. I'm sorry you were dealt a difficult hand in life, and it's reasonable to be tired and want to throw it away. It's hard to be proud of anything you've done when you don't have the capacity to enjoy it. It really depends on what you want to do. I'm wondering if you already told your counselors about how you feel? I guess finding a good therapist is really expensive nowadays, but maybe it's possible. I hope you find your peace, wherever that is.

 

[backtoearth]

It seems like you've improved your situation but not your actual mental health. You're actually kind of insane (like in a good way) for doing all that in this state. If you're feeling this way every day, you should definitely look into serious cognitive behavioral therapy. No one (except for the occasional exception) is just wired wrong, I think you've grown comfortable with your life of ruin and depression that it's hard to adjust to a normal life now. It's really your choice, but no matter how much you change your life, if you don't change yourself the way you feel will probably not change. Lack of social support and also constantly being trapped in terror, exhaustion, and paranoia? Of course anyone would feel this way. It's easy to fall and difficult to climb. I'm sorry you were dealt a difficult hand in life, and it's reasonable to be tired and want to throw it away. It's hard to be proud of anything you've done when you don't have the capacity to enjoy it. It really depends on what you want to do. I'm wondering if you already told your counselors about how you feel? I guess finding a good therapist is really expensive nowadays, but maybe it's possible. I hope you find your peace, wherever that is.

Thank you so much for your kind words <3 I have been through multiple rounds of CBT which has allowed me to get to this point of "management", I do think you're right though - there is comfort in familiarity, and unfortunately peace or calm is so unfamiliar to me that seems terrifying. I have told my councilor (I am lucky to have someone who does not jump to conclusions), and I am switching to a trauma specialist so maybe that can help change my perspective.

It's just so much work, for what? It's not like the world will be any kinder or I won't have cPTSD anymore, so it just doesn't seem worth all of the effort it will take to change the way I see the world. Thank you again though, I hope you are doing well