_Minsk
death: the cure for life
- Dec 9, 2019
- 1,141
Sorry for this ramble
I could go on like this for eternity.. complaining about my life and just wasting time.. i can't help it.
The spark is gone long ago.. i wish i could find something in life that would make it worth it for me.. i feel completely trapped. Every action i do feels pointless, i feel like swimming against the current.
The only way that feels somewhat fulfilling and not like going against the current is to keep going and make sure everything is planed for my exit.
I make sure to not fully close each door that might lead to recovery but i feel more exhausted day by day.
I've experienced most things i wanted to experience in life, in my better days..
Lately i did reflect on my life and i feel like this being some sort of fate. The issue i came across in my life would naturally lead me to this point. With this exhaustion i can't really do anything else than i currently do. Maybe im lying to myself to justify my way of being.
Trough self reflection i could trace a common and ever increasing theme in my life, this feeling of no longer having any control. This powerlessness. I really might make this up to find some cognitive closure or "wholeness" so i don't have to ponder over it, over and over again but it feels tempting to think about it.
I had a dream when i was younger, it wasn't like anything else i did dream ever since before.
In this dream i found myself on train rails. I was passing the railway crossing. I did see the train being very close to me already. I tried to escape but every action was futile, i just couldn't move a bit.
I simply was unable to move, i couldn't control my body.
I really might make this up, but i think since then, i see my life unfolding like in this dream, it started slowly but i began to experience this stuckness in every part of my life with ever increasing intensity.
If i had to describe my life, i couldn't find a better description for that than the dream. It fits so perfectly to the way i feel inside. if i would want to escape this, i would have to keep on going against this current and live a life that just leads to more suffering and humiliation..
Maybe its just some bs but it felt good writing these thoughts down, Thanks for reading!
I could go on like this for eternity.. complaining about my life and just wasting time.. i can't help it.
The spark is gone long ago.. i wish i could find something in life that would make it worth it for me.. i feel completely trapped. Every action i do feels pointless, i feel like swimming against the current.
The only way that feels somewhat fulfilling and not like going against the current is to keep going and make sure everything is planed for my exit.
I make sure to not fully close each door that might lead to recovery but i feel more exhausted day by day.
I've experienced most things i wanted to experience in life, in my better days..
Lately i did reflect on my life and i feel like this being some sort of fate. The issue i came across in my life would naturally lead me to this point. With this exhaustion i can't really do anything else than i currently do. Maybe im lying to myself to justify my way of being.
Trough self reflection i could trace a common and ever increasing theme in my life, this feeling of no longer having any control. This powerlessness. I really might make this up to find some cognitive closure or "wholeness" so i don't have to ponder over it, over and over again but it feels tempting to think about it.
I had a dream when i was younger, it wasn't like anything else i did dream ever since before.
In this dream i found myself on train rails. I was passing the railway crossing. I did see the train being very close to me already. I tried to escape but every action was futile, i just couldn't move a bit.
I simply was unable to move, i couldn't control my body.
I really might make this up, but i think since then, i see my life unfolding like in this dream, it started slowly but i began to experience this stuckness in every part of my life with ever increasing intensity.
If i had to describe my life, i couldn't find a better description for that than the dream. It fits so perfectly to the way i feel inside. if i would want to escape this, i would have to keep on going against this current and live a life that just leads to more suffering and humiliation..
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