⋆♡⋆ riri ⋆♡⋆
huh?
- Sep 10, 2023
- 23
not really. i still have my parents and theyre nice but they have their own problems. my main issue right now is the "friends" i have. my irl social life has dwindled significantly so i hang out with like one or two people maybe 2-3 times a year. or less. it's sad but i dont know how to ask to spend time with them. and the only one thats willing and free is a friend i dont like being around often because she makes everything so often with sex jokes while somehow being overly cauttious about everything. like its nice that shes being considerate of my space and what i want to do but that makes it so that when i want her opinion she gives me nothing to work with, just "whatever you want to do" and it's just annoying i dont know i need some kind of input.
so since my irl social life is like that, ever since i graduated hs i've had almost no contact with people outside of my household. people i can call friends, anyway, i still go to work. but i don't spend time with anyone anymore. so then i turned to the internet which was 100% the worst decision of my life because it fucking sucks. i have a twt account and the people there are cool i guess, if i overrlook the handfuls of lolishos, incest likers, porn accounts and scat fetishizers. honestly i keep thinking about blocking them but there's this issue where they can be normal and nice to talk to, but there's just this one part of them that makes me rethink everything. also sometimes people in replies are a little mean and i know it's the internet but im weak and sometimes those things hurt a little. or a lot depending on who it is.
i have one friend named brian. i consider him a close friend, somehow, despite everything. i talk to him more than i do anyone else, and it's sad honestly, because when we had our falling out and i blocked him for 4 months, i didn't speak to anyone for that period of time. virtually nobody. maybe a few "how are yous" here and there from people i dont really talk to, but that was it. i know i should take initiative but i just dont know what to do. i dont want to be annoying or needy or clingy and i just overcorrect by isolating myself and letting everyone come to me which leaves me completely alone for a long time if i don't do anything. with that being said, we made up a little while ago, maybe a few weeks. we talk again now, it was insane how we were able to just go right back to how things used to be. i said a few apologies and basically a nice tldr was "i was completely wrong, i cherish you as a friend and i want to be better" idfk something like that. i just said some bullshit and i dont even know if i was sincere or not, i just wanted someone to talk to again. but he accepted that, we had a weird trial period where he was being polite and mindful of what he says which he didn't do before. i actually liked that variant of him.
but he got comfortable again. now he just calls me names and talks down on me and whatever i confide in him about. i say i want to go to the military someday, not even right now just a general idea, he immediately says i can't because i'm mentally ill. i have nothing on my record, if i stay sh clean for the duration of my time in school i have a good chance at passing the meps exam. i was trying to hope, but he immediately shut it down and just said fuck you you can't do it you are a mentally ill foid that needs ssris. not that exactly, but that was the gist. he just doesnt think i can improve somehow. he always tells me im so talented, im his best friend and he appreciates my thoughts and opionions. but when it comes down to it? im literally just another chud he can berate to make himself feel better.
so there's that. then there's sprite (screen name). i started talking to him kind of recently literally only because of a post i made where i said "date me if you want a good reason to kill yourself." it was a joke but he sent that on discord and asked if i was being fr. so i said yes because why not. we've been talking for a bit and he seemed fairly normal. i even genuinely started to consider edating him even though i said i would never do that because physical affection is my number one love language and i'd probably feel suicidal if someone i loved was out of reach. also i just dont want to date at all because of the way i am. i know im messed up and i dont want to make anyone deal with that, but i still want it. so i entertained the idea of dating him and let things get to a point where he was genuinely asking about it and we talked about visiting each other and stuff because hes only a few hours away from where i am. he's got a decent job (allegedly) and is doing alright financially. not amazingly but stable. i thought that was really cool. i kinda paused when he said hes 23 but im 19 and lonely so i dont care that much anymore.
wanting to hear his opinion because i thought i could confide in him, i told brian about sprite and he went off on me for considering dating this guy "right after [he] asked." he was mad i was considering another guy shortly after rejecting him. please tell me im not insane. i think that's normal. why should it be my problem if hes butthurt over not being chosen? i simply didnt see him that way, but no matter how many times i tried to explain that to him, it always came back to how hurt he was, why i was willing to date someone besides him, and it was all just him him him. that made me want to kill myself because now my friend hated me for talking to another guy and i kinda wanted to date that guy but brian was making me feel cornered, like if i chose sprite i'd lose brian, but if i stuck with brian i'd lose sprite.
i like attention and i was getting it from the both of them. i wanted to have my cake and eat it too, i guess, because then it turned into a "one or the other" situation. safe to say, i rejected sprite on my own accord. he just threw up a few red flags for me when we talked more. he says the n word while being hispanic which makes me uncomfortable as a hispanic that does not say they can claim that, he talks about "fixing" me and says belittling things like about how im cooked or gonna be stuck where i am forever because i have minimum wage jobs and im trying to go to school again. so yeah, hes like brian but hispanic. copy paste. both fucking suck and dont believe in me. brian praises me in the moment but when i do something he doesnt like he tears me down, sprite does the same.
when i told sprite i was still talking to brian even after he went off on me, sprite said "wow your standards are really that low huh?" and he called me a doormat and again said im going to be stuck where i am forever and that i "like [guys (not the word he used)] being mean to me" but it's like. no, i don't like people being mean to me. it's just that my options are shit. it's either an incel that gets mad when i say i dont want to date him, or an incel that trashes me and my friends when i say i dont want to date him. my options are actually terrible. these are the only two people ive been talking to frequently, and the fact that both of them have problems with me and my wants or decisions is actually making me suicidal. i keep thinking about killing myself more than i ever had in my life, and i think about it often. it's like a background thought for me but i actually want to kill myself. men suck but theyre the only ones that will talk to me and to top it off i like women way more but im basically women repellent and cant maintain friendships with them for the life of me, forget about a relationship. the guys keep talking to me because they want whatever scraps of attention or perceived affection i can give them, and the girls leave because they know they can do better, they HAVE better. i'm literally just a filler for better things.
im not saying this in a resentful way at all (to anyone that isn't brian or sprite). im just upset with how horrible my social life has gotten. i genuinely lost sleep trying to placate the two of them and neither are happy, theyre both being passive aggressive and i keep thinking itd be so much easier to end my lifie. or block them, but we have shared mutuals that would also hate me like a very bad chain reaction and id lose the space i curated on twitter. but honestly, i think it's better to cut my losses and just block them. i cant keep doing this. i cant keep spreading myself thin for guys that dont give a shit about me. sprite even asked to see my cuts because he wanted to see if he could "repair the damage." what the fuck was he gonna do?? kiss it better???? he said he'd put coconut oil on it or something and i said okay i can try that and he insisted it's better for him to see so he can determine if it'll really work but fuck that. i just said i'd try anyway and if it works it works. then it devolved into "you dont trust me?" fuck no i dont trust you with something like that WHO ARE YOU !!!!! it hasnt even been a month and i dont show anything like cuts or scars even to people i like because personally i find that insane (for myself). i dont care if people want to show me but im not gonna flaunt it for everyone with eyes to see, i consider this private and i told him that but he just still insisted but he dropped it after i changed the topic. then he asked if he was better than brian and i said they're basically the same they just get different parts of me.
anyway i rejected the both of them but theyre both being insane and still trying something, i dont know how much clearer i can get than "no, we can't date, i don't want to date." there's literally nothing else to say. are they slow? idk i just wanted to put this somewhere because i cant vent to brian, hed get butthurt and act pathetic and sad and be nice for a few hours and be mean again. whatever man.
so since my irl social life is like that, ever since i graduated hs i've had almost no contact with people outside of my household. people i can call friends, anyway, i still go to work. but i don't spend time with anyone anymore. so then i turned to the internet which was 100% the worst decision of my life because it fucking sucks. i have a twt account and the people there are cool i guess, if i overrlook the handfuls of lolishos, incest likers, porn accounts and scat fetishizers. honestly i keep thinking about blocking them but there's this issue where they can be normal and nice to talk to, but there's just this one part of them that makes me rethink everything. also sometimes people in replies are a little mean and i know it's the internet but im weak and sometimes those things hurt a little. or a lot depending on who it is.
i have one friend named brian. i consider him a close friend, somehow, despite everything. i talk to him more than i do anyone else, and it's sad honestly, because when we had our falling out and i blocked him for 4 months, i didn't speak to anyone for that period of time. virtually nobody. maybe a few "how are yous" here and there from people i dont really talk to, but that was it. i know i should take initiative but i just dont know what to do. i dont want to be annoying or needy or clingy and i just overcorrect by isolating myself and letting everyone come to me which leaves me completely alone for a long time if i don't do anything. with that being said, we made up a little while ago, maybe a few weeks. we talk again now, it was insane how we were able to just go right back to how things used to be. i said a few apologies and basically a nice tldr was "i was completely wrong, i cherish you as a friend and i want to be better" idfk something like that. i just said some bullshit and i dont even know if i was sincere or not, i just wanted someone to talk to again. but he accepted that, we had a weird trial period where he was being polite and mindful of what he says which he didn't do before. i actually liked that variant of him.
but he got comfortable again. now he just calls me names and talks down on me and whatever i confide in him about. i say i want to go to the military someday, not even right now just a general idea, he immediately says i can't because i'm mentally ill. i have nothing on my record, if i stay sh clean for the duration of my time in school i have a good chance at passing the meps exam. i was trying to hope, but he immediately shut it down and just said fuck you you can't do it you are a mentally ill foid that needs ssris. not that exactly, but that was the gist. he just doesnt think i can improve somehow. he always tells me im so talented, im his best friend and he appreciates my thoughts and opionions. but when it comes down to it? im literally just another chud he can berate to make himself feel better.
so there's that. then there's sprite (screen name). i started talking to him kind of recently literally only because of a post i made where i said "date me if you want a good reason to kill yourself." it was a joke but he sent that on discord and asked if i was being fr. so i said yes because why not. we've been talking for a bit and he seemed fairly normal. i even genuinely started to consider edating him even though i said i would never do that because physical affection is my number one love language and i'd probably feel suicidal if someone i loved was out of reach. also i just dont want to date at all because of the way i am. i know im messed up and i dont want to make anyone deal with that, but i still want it. so i entertained the idea of dating him and let things get to a point where he was genuinely asking about it and we talked about visiting each other and stuff because hes only a few hours away from where i am. he's got a decent job (allegedly) and is doing alright financially. not amazingly but stable. i thought that was really cool. i kinda paused when he said hes 23 but im 19 and lonely so i dont care that much anymore.
wanting to hear his opinion because i thought i could confide in him, i told brian about sprite and he went off on me for considering dating this guy "right after [he] asked." he was mad i was considering another guy shortly after rejecting him. please tell me im not insane. i think that's normal. why should it be my problem if hes butthurt over not being chosen? i simply didnt see him that way, but no matter how many times i tried to explain that to him, it always came back to how hurt he was, why i was willing to date someone besides him, and it was all just him him him. that made me want to kill myself because now my friend hated me for talking to another guy and i kinda wanted to date that guy but brian was making me feel cornered, like if i chose sprite i'd lose brian, but if i stuck with brian i'd lose sprite.
i like attention and i was getting it from the both of them. i wanted to have my cake and eat it too, i guess, because then it turned into a "one or the other" situation. safe to say, i rejected sprite on my own accord. he just threw up a few red flags for me when we talked more. he says the n word while being hispanic which makes me uncomfortable as a hispanic that does not say they can claim that, he talks about "fixing" me and says belittling things like about how im cooked or gonna be stuck where i am forever because i have minimum wage jobs and im trying to go to school again. so yeah, hes like brian but hispanic. copy paste. both fucking suck and dont believe in me. brian praises me in the moment but when i do something he doesnt like he tears me down, sprite does the same.
when i told sprite i was still talking to brian even after he went off on me, sprite said "wow your standards are really that low huh?" and he called me a doormat and again said im going to be stuck where i am forever and that i "like [guys (not the word he used)] being mean to me" but it's like. no, i don't like people being mean to me. it's just that my options are shit. it's either an incel that gets mad when i say i dont want to date him, or an incel that trashes me and my friends when i say i dont want to date him. my options are actually terrible. these are the only two people ive been talking to frequently, and the fact that both of them have problems with me and my wants or decisions is actually making me suicidal. i keep thinking about killing myself more than i ever had in my life, and i think about it often. it's like a background thought for me but i actually want to kill myself. men suck but theyre the only ones that will talk to me and to top it off i like women way more but im basically women repellent and cant maintain friendships with them for the life of me, forget about a relationship. the guys keep talking to me because they want whatever scraps of attention or perceived affection i can give them, and the girls leave because they know they can do better, they HAVE better. i'm literally just a filler for better things.
im not saying this in a resentful way at all (to anyone that isn't brian or sprite). im just upset with how horrible my social life has gotten. i genuinely lost sleep trying to placate the two of them and neither are happy, theyre both being passive aggressive and i keep thinking itd be so much easier to end my lifie. or block them, but we have shared mutuals that would also hate me like a very bad chain reaction and id lose the space i curated on twitter. but honestly, i think it's better to cut my losses and just block them. i cant keep doing this. i cant keep spreading myself thin for guys that dont give a shit about me. sprite even asked to see my cuts because he wanted to see if he could "repair the damage." what the fuck was he gonna do?? kiss it better???? he said he'd put coconut oil on it or something and i said okay i can try that and he insisted it's better for him to see so he can determine if it'll really work but fuck that. i just said i'd try anyway and if it works it works. then it devolved into "you dont trust me?" fuck no i dont trust you with something like that WHO ARE YOU !!!!! it hasnt even been a month and i dont show anything like cuts or scars even to people i like because personally i find that insane (for myself). i dont care if people want to show me but im not gonna flaunt it for everyone with eyes to see, i consider this private and i told him that but he just still insisted but he dropped it after i changed the topic. then he asked if he was better than brian and i said they're basically the same they just get different parts of me.
anyway i rejected the both of them but theyre both being insane and still trying something, i dont know how much clearer i can get than "no, we can't date, i don't want to date." there's literally nothing else to say. are they slow? idk i just wanted to put this somewhere because i cant vent to brian, hed get butthurt and act pathetic and sad and be nice for a few hours and be mean again. whatever man.
