Venting every new year i just wanna die

[aeri]

Every year, im having gigantic mental breakdowns during new years/Christmas. I had to ask for a sick leave because i couldn't go to work anymore. Last year i stopped going to uni at this time. The year before too.
My sick leave is ending next week. i feel like i cant return to work. im too suicidal, too stressed, not functional enough. i dont wanna return to work. i'd honestly rather die.

I think i'll attempt today. it will be the fourth time i attempt on the 2nd of January. Maybe this time i wont be scared bahaha. i know i'll get scared, do anything, cry and binge again. But i have to put an end to this misery

i do not deserve all this pain. I've fought, i've tried to be normal and to not be this piece of shit. i cant change, i will never change. i just should end it. My inner child is hurting. im hurting. My future me will be hurting. no matter how hard i try i keep on suffering. i want to put an end to that and finally find peace

 

[mineko]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. A lot of it sounds familiar. We really don't deserve to suffer like this.

 

[aeri]

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. A lot of it sounds familiar. We really don't deserve to suffer like this.

Thank you

and yeah, for real. I know life isn't about deserving anything. life is unfair. but yet, it still feels so cruel. i tried to talk to my friends, my family, i tried psychiatry, everything. everything failed me. everyone laughed at my face for feeling this way. everyone just think im pathetic for feeling this way, maybe they all are right. fair or not, true or not, now i just need to leave because at the end: what i think i deserve is peace. and my only peace is to ctb, looks like

 

[mineko]

People who haven't felt like we do don't understand. They can't understand. It's one of the things that makes it so painful.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course none of us deserve this pain. We did not ask to exist in the first place. I see it as being cruel that we were forced to exist and we have to endure the horrors of this life. I understand it is hard to carry on when you are suffering. Being alive also hurts me. It sounds so peaceful to never have to experience anything again. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Chovyfan]

Yea holiday times are definitely the worst times of the year.

It hurts so bad to see other people having happiness with their friends, familly and loved ones. But knowing you can never have the same happiness.

 

[Death is beautiful]

I understand you..... :(

 

[Kennish]

Yea holiday times are definitely the worst times of the year.

It hurts so bad to see other people having happiness with their friends, familly and loved ones. But knowing you can never have the same happiness.

It hurts so much seeing other people having good times, smiling, no trouble being in their own skin, clothes and feelings. I have no life. I just told my psychiatrist that I want to end my own life. At least he snapped that up from our talk.

So he said; what holds against that thought?

Nothing really. Little hope. I can't change my body. I can't change my mind. I can't change my psychical and mental pain. It's just constant. I've suffered since age 13 or something. I can't suffer any more. I'm thinking about going soon. Maybe today.