Like the 'title' says because I know my sins and transgressions have manifested in a goblin-man like creature. I want to feel beautiful but I know I'm not and I don't deserve to feel happy. I know I'll never experience being loved romantically, sought after, or yearned for. I know I'm just being used for my body, although that's not too appealing either. It's the closest thing that I'll ever get to being loved, or 'sought after'. It makes me feel beautiful, even though it's temporary and I know it's not real.
