SterileMoth
Who knows man
- Jul 9, 2020
- 74
Long time no post on this side of things (About a year I believe) and it's shit to be back. I've really only just been barely jousting with the thoughts, holding them off, but it's tiring. I am tired. I started working again after a long ass break due to covid ... I need the job, I guess, because you need money to live and the gaps in a resume look bad. I was able to keep from getting hopeless before though ... maybe it was a form of delusion. To think I was capable of functioning the way others do in the world, to think my energy levels would somehow get higher to cope with the added demand. I have maybe 5 spoons (referencing spoon theory) a day, and I spend them all on my job. Energy to make food, to clean, to go out, to try seeing any friends, is gone. I don't really know how I'll survive. Each concurrent day I feel more exhausted, I feel closer to selfharming in the work bathroom, I feel more hopeless on living out an entire life in this state. I don't know how the hell people do this their whole lives. I think about ctb AT LEAST a few times a week when I'm doing WELL ... and there are people out there who never consider it? I'm too tired to look after myself anymore.
