I had plans to CTB by the end of August, but then all these unexpected things kept happening that pushed it back. First we had surprise guests come to visit for two weeks. Then the wildfires started (I'm in the western US). My original plan was to drive out into the forest, but many forest roads are now filled with police and firefighters and hotel rooms are filled with evacuees.
What's interesting is that people say things like, "You must not have truly been ready," whenever your CTB date comes and goes. I don't think this is accurate. I think delays result from the keen awareness of how truly little support there is for suicidal people.
For example, had I continued with my plan today, there was an increased likelihood of being interrupted, and with the interruptuon, making life even worse than it already is now. So I had to spend the afternoon doing "normal" things as not to arouse suspicion if the attempt fails. The exhaustion and burnout from it all made me start to drink just to make it through the day, and now I've had too much to drive to my spot. I'm pretty sure my chosen method is also not wise to try with alcohol.
I used to care about writing notes and tying up loose ends and updating beneficiaries and minimizing the fallout for other people. But the more and more interruptions I have, the less energy I have left to give a darn. Now I'm thinking about just doing it in the house to get it over with.
What's interesting is that people say things like, "You must not have truly been ready," whenever your CTB date comes and goes. I don't think this is accurate. I think delays result from the keen awareness of how truly little support there is for suicidal people.
For example, had I continued with my plan today, there was an increased likelihood of being interrupted, and with the interruptuon, making life even worse than it already is now. So I had to spend the afternoon doing "normal" things as not to arouse suspicion if the attempt fails. The exhaustion and burnout from it all made me start to drink just to make it through the day, and now I've had too much to drive to my spot. I'm pretty sure my chosen method is also not wise to try with alcohol.
I used to care about writing notes and tying up loose ends and updating beneficiaries and minimizing the fallout for other people. But the more and more interruptions I have, the less energy I have left to give a darn. Now I'm thinking about just doing it in the house to get it over with.
