Dose one ever stop being suicidal?

[Maormer]

I've been suicidal on some level for almost a decade, sometimes actively but usually passively. It ls been years but it never went away even in my happiest moments, and I was genuinely happy in those moments. I know recovery is possible but do the thoughts ever go away? Will I have to live with that urge and craving my whole life?

It's not even just the thoughts but the mindset too. I feel like suicide has permanently rewired my brain. I can't image a future anymore even when I'm happy. The idea that I might make it to 70,50, even 25 feels so absurd to me, I can't think of the future as a thing that exists for me anymore. I've never since then had any real will to live. Even at my happiest I felt as though I was ready to die, excited even. Ever since then I've been looking forward to death and I hate that about myself.

I just don't know how long I can keep on this cycle. I feel like there's no way it will ever go away. I'm stuck with this forever. I cannot imagine a future where I don't just end up right back with a rope around my neck and it's only a matter of time until an attempt succeeds. I need to get better, I don't want to ruin my sisters wedding so I need to live but it feels so impossible

 

[loser4ever4life]

Wondering this myself. When I was a teenager (few years ago) I was certain I wouldn't see 18, now I'm certain I wont see 23. I'm just shocked that I've made it here and yet am in the same place still?

Plus I read stories in reddit in which suicide survivors talk about how after their attempt they wonder if it was a good thing they made it back or the thought process between multiple events. Some say while they were never suicidal again, they were still very depressed

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

For me it's come and gone, been suicidal for more of my life than not. I've had good moments in life, and horrible ones, but I try to keep myself looking forward for anything to keep me going. I've never "stopped" being suicidal in the sense that the thoughts 100% vanished, but times like what I'm going through right now it drops to about 5-10%, and for me that's enough to fight it off for a little bit longer.

Some people who it worse than others, so my experience is not gospel.

 

[CentreMid]

I've been suicidal on some level for almost a decade, sometimes actively but usually passively. It ls been years but it never went away even in my happiest moments, and I was genuinely happy in those moments. I know recovery is possible but do the thoughts ever go away? Will I have to live with that urge and craving my whole life?

It's not even just the thoughts but the mindset too. I feel like suicide has permanently rewired my brain. I can't image a future anymore even when I'm happy. The idea that I might make it to 70,50, even 25 feels so absurd to me, I can't think of the future as a thing that exists for me anymore. I've never since then had any real will to live. Even at my happiest I felt as though I was ready to die, excited even. Ever since then I've been looking forward to death and I hate that about myself.

I just don't know how long I can keep on this cycle. I feel like there's no way it will ever go away. I'm stuck with this forever. I cannot imagine a future where I don't just end up right back with a rope around my neck and it's only a matter of time until an attempt succeeds. I need to get better, I don't want to ruin my sisters wedding so I need to live but it feels so impossible

I've just accepted the fact that I'll always be suicidal to some degree. The thoughts and feelings won't go away, but they are easier/more difficult to manage depending on the circumstance. Mine are sort of at a low simmer right now on the front-burner of my brain after being on the backburner for a couple of years

 

[cme-dme]

I think it becomes a lot harder when you have been feeling this way for so long (as I have) that you can hardly remember what life was like before you felt this way ;o I have also been depressed and suicidal for a decade or so now. You have no sense of normality to fall back on. Feeling this way is what you would consider normal now >.< It's awful

 

[cheyxnn]

I know exactly what you mean about the mindset. You said it really well about how it "rewires your brain". For me, I feel almost as if I was born defected as there's never been a moment I've not felt this impending doom, even as a little kid. And I think that in itself has very much changed the way I fundamentally think as my whole life I've always come to the conclusion of "I'm going to kill myself when I'm older" etc.. and so when I was younger I couldn't even fathom myself living to 18, yet I did.

I can't really speak on your situation as I don't know the nature of your suicidal thoughts nor the full situation you're going through, but you've still come this far right? And that has to be some kind of testament to your strength in terms of dealing with these suicidal thoughts. Whilst they may never go away I suppose it's just a matter of coping with them as best you can in your own way. Try any method you can - whether that's drugs, therapy, anything. Don't give up hope as you may still be able to feel better and dilute these suicidal thoughts. And after everything, if you still come to the conclusion that you don't want to live then you'll know.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

In my experience once a person is bitten by the suicide bug it becomes part of you. There can be recovery but with that also relapse. And if that happens, those old feelings will be familiar and easier to sink into ie grooves in a record.. Since you are under 25 your brain is still plastic.

Will I have to live with that urge and craving my whole life?

With effort it can be arrested and starved out to a certain extent. If you can turn a new chapter before 25 you can be in great shape in many cases.

 

[Rynalia]

I don't think you ever stop being suicidal.

I just think it becomes an old friend that retires far, far into the back of your mind and sometimes forgotten about until their retirement is suddenly interrupted.