doing the least amount of collateral damage

[flowersforalgernons]

when I think about CTB, one of the things that crosses my mind is doing the least amount of damage/leaving the least impact.

sometimes I want to write it all down, why I did it, not to blame anyone or anything, but just to explain myself.
sometimes I want to turn it into an art project. my grief, remorse, anger, etc. make something beautiful out of my death.

sometimes I think the best thing to do would be to just disappear, and have everyone in my life think I just vanished. like, left town. moved to New Mexico or something. that way, they wouldn't be too sad, they would never know I was actually dead. they might still miss me/be hurt by my absence, but I think it would be a lot less hurtful than "oh my friend/coworker/ex k*lled herself"

like it would be easier to live with, for them.

thoughts?

 

[Neyferuh]

I have thought about this a lot. I have written so many things down, and ended up burning it all. I have filled journals that were intended to explain myself. And when it is all done, I still always felt that somehow, someone was going to take it all the wrong way. And that would just exhaust me even more.

Personally I have landed on leaving a very simple note to the total strangers that will find me. It will say something to the effect of thank you, that this was all very thought out on my part and I decided to ctb simply because I had done enough and that my last breath was taken with much peace in my heart.

As for everyone else, people will think whatever they need to think to try to make sense of it. In the waking life that remains, I continue to treat everyone with a lot of care and appreciation. In the end, I think we all learn to understand somehow.
But there are so many things that words just do not seem to be available to explain, in my humble opinion.

 

[sadbh]

I have thought about this a lot. I have written so many things down, and ended up burning it all. I have filled journals that were intended to explain myself. And when it is all done, I still always felt that somehow, someone was going to take it all the wrong way. And that would just exhaust me even more.

Personally I have landed on leaving a very simple note to the total strangers that will find me. It will say something to the effect of thank you, that this was all very thought out on my part and I decided to ctb simply because I had done enough and that my last breath was taken with much peace in my heart.

As for everyone else, people will think whatever they need to think to try to make sense of it. In the waking life that remains, I continue to treat everyone with a lot of care and appreciation. In the end, I think we all learn to understand somehow.
But there are so many things that words just do not seem to be available to explain, in my humble opinion.

I think saying that you were at peace, as opposed to suffering, could help a lot. I think I'll try to say that in my short note.

 

[HNR_]

I thought about it too, to an extent
If I made art about it, my father and grandma wouldn't see it since it'd be either 3D stuff or made with photoshop and I highly doubt they'd check whatever social media I'd post this on

Leaving 6 whole ass pages explaining my ways of thinking and what I want my father to do with my stuff though is, I think, the best thing I could do
I've already written down something along the lines of "don't think that I did this because I felt sad, if anything, planning how to go out is bringing me a lot of peace"

We can't predict or manipulate how others feel, all we can do is hope that they're either intelligent enough to understand your state of mind or won't go full denial mode

 

[flowersforalgernons]

We can't predict or manipulate how others feel, all we can do is hope that they're either intelligent enough to understand your state of mind or won't go full denial mode

yeah. i guess you're right. i can't control how others will feel. i think the truth is nobody will REALLY understand, except maybe my therapist, why i have to do it. so explaining is somewhat pointless. the only thing i can hope is that it won't hurt them too much. i plan to make a lot of art on the way out tho so maybe i can leave something behind that people can look at and remember me by. maybe shielding them from the fact that i did CTB wouldn't do them or me justice

 

[Neyferuh]

I think saying that you were at peace, as opposed to suffering, could help a lot. I think I'll try to say that in my short note.

I believe that there a many things a soul understands that the mind cannot comprehend. And the people who really do love us, in time they will understand in their own way, from the place in their soul that does not belong to the expectations of right and wrong, out beyond the visible.
I will be as respectful as I can in my departure. But beyond that, the rest is not for me to monitor. I have to be at peace with what I am doing. I do not want to ctb in a state of distress. I have lived the majority of my life that way. For me to ctb in peace, it feels like coming full circle.
And I live knowing that my time in this body is closing. So I am doing this with gratitude and care. I am not sentimental or sad about it. I have done my job in this world.
I think the simplest words can be the most impactful, so long as they come from the heart.

 

[HNR_]

yeah. i guess you're right. i can't control how others will feel. i think the truth is nobody will REALLY understand, except maybe my therapist, why i have to do it. so explaining is somewhat pointless. the only thing i can hope is that it won't hurt them too much. i plan to make a lot of art on the way out tho so maybe i can leave something behind that people can look at and remember me by. maybe shielding them from the fact that i did CTB wouldn't do them or me justice

I feel like some can understand, people in the same predicament like on here which is weirdly comforting in a way

Love your way of looking at art btw, wish I felt that same way instead of wasting my time in a pointless search for some lost game footage no one cares about

 

[flowersforalgernons]

I feel like some can understand, people in the same predicament like on here which is weirdly comforting in a way

Love your way of looking at art btw, wish I felt that same way instead of wasting my time in a pointless search for some lost game footage no one cares about

this might be tangential, but what do you mean about art re: lost game footage?

 

[HNR_]

this might be tangential, but what do you mean about art re: lost game footage?

Lost media stuff, it's probably gone for good now, I've been looking for it for a couple of months, exhausted all the possibilities and reached out to the few people who might either have it or know where to find it

 

[yotaka]

yeah. i guess you're right. i can't control how others will feel. i think the truth is nobody will REALLY understand, except maybe my therapist, why i have to do it. so explaining is somewhat pointless. the only thing i can hope is that it won't hurt them too much. i plan to make a lot of art on the way out tho so maybe i can leave something behind that people can look at and remember me by. maybe shielding them from the fact that i did CTB wouldn't do them or me justice

Whatever you do, I hope you continue to create art. Right up to the end, whenever that may be. The world could do with more art.