two years ago i had posted here that i had (then) just gotten out of a long-term abusive relationship. It started when i was 16 and i decided to finally end things when i was 21. throughout this relationship i was raped and done many things i did not want to do. around the time i had left the relationship, i was also finishing up college and was very unmotivated and stressed out about the whole thing. i feel like ive just been wading through the days the past couple of years. im sad to report i have had not much luck in getting better. i feel like ive gotten worse mentally and was just hoping to vent.
since graduation, it took me a while to get work. then i finally got it and realized i could not juggle this with studying for the board exams so i quit that after a few months. i suppose what im getting at is i have been living life according to the milestones i think i should be taking, not necessarily wanting to take them though. i had graduated with honors, gotten two certifications (working my way to a third), worked a job, and have another one lined up already. all good on paper. but even with all this, i feel like im going crazy.
not a day has gone by where i dont re-live what i went through. or that when id go out im scared that id see him. not a day goes by where i dont feel like im going crazy and am just an obsessed freak ruminating in her trauma. in addition to this, i dont feel seen by anyone at all. i try to go out with friends and family more. i have to consciously tell myself to come back to whats currently happening and stop being in my head. even when its just sitting in the living room with them. i try to engage with some friends online (and have been hanging out with them the most over the past couple of years), and i feel like no one would care if i offed myself. but i cant because i have family and younger relatives who look to me for guidance. in conclusion i dont feel present, seen, appreciated, acknowledged, and like im trapped in an endless loop of my own brain prison lol. which is so embarrassing and stupid because im almost in my mid twenties and feel like a child trying to navigate the world constantly.
but i dont understand it man. i have had a good past couple of months. honors. certifications. a bit more money finally. another job lined up. i try to talk to people more. ive had more time to draw. i have had my own room for the first time in my life. why do i always default to death when nothing happens to trigger it at all
im so sick of this. i get max of two weeks a month where i feel like im not actually dying or hoping for something bad to happen to me. and then it crashes down instantaneously. right now im in one of the lows again, when just a few hours ago i felt as neutral as i could feel. and now suddenly im back and i just want it to stop. when im in my better moods, i still feel all the fear and bad thoughts i usually feel, but more manageable. but now im just not sure im gonna get out of this one, even if historically i always have. i cant keep doing this. like is anyone even there is anyone even real idk man i cant be 23 and still crashing out all the time lmao im sorry for not makign sense im just tired and frustrated of it all. its been years man. shut the fuck up.
since graduation, it took me a while to get work. then i finally got it and realized i could not juggle this with studying for the board exams so i quit that after a few months. i suppose what im getting at is i have been living life according to the milestones i think i should be taking, not necessarily wanting to take them though. i had graduated with honors, gotten two certifications (working my way to a third), worked a job, and have another one lined up already. all good on paper. but even with all this, i feel like im going crazy.
not a day has gone by where i dont re-live what i went through. or that when id go out im scared that id see him. not a day goes by where i dont feel like im going crazy and am just an obsessed freak ruminating in her trauma. in addition to this, i dont feel seen by anyone at all. i try to go out with friends and family more. i have to consciously tell myself to come back to whats currently happening and stop being in my head. even when its just sitting in the living room with them. i try to engage with some friends online (and have been hanging out with them the most over the past couple of years), and i feel like no one would care if i offed myself. but i cant because i have family and younger relatives who look to me for guidance. in conclusion i dont feel present, seen, appreciated, acknowledged, and like im trapped in an endless loop of my own brain prison lol. which is so embarrassing and stupid because im almost in my mid twenties and feel like a child trying to navigate the world constantly.
but i dont understand it man. i have had a good past couple of months. honors. certifications. a bit more money finally. another job lined up. i try to talk to people more. ive had more time to draw. i have had my own room for the first time in my life. why do i always default to death when nothing happens to trigger it at all
im so sick of this. i get max of two weeks a month where i feel like im not actually dying or hoping for something bad to happen to me. and then it crashes down instantaneously. right now im in one of the lows again, when just a few hours ago i felt as neutral as i could feel. and now suddenly im back and i just want it to stop. when im in my better moods, i still feel all the fear and bad thoughts i usually feel, but more manageable. but now im just not sure im gonna get out of this one, even if historically i always have. i cant keep doing this. like is anyone even there is anyone even real idk man i cant be 23 and still crashing out all the time lmao im sorry for not makign sense im just tired and frustrated of it all. its been years man. shut the fuck up.
