Does it effect you when you see others ctb?

[StarsAbove]

A couple weeks ago when I was in a worse place, it may not have, I saw it as liberation. Now that some of the depression has lifted, It really did, more than I knew it would. I was following someone else's thread leading up to ctb and knew they did it because they stopped posting. I cried for someone didnt know. I respect everyone's decisions and no judgment here, it is our lives and our right to do what we will with them, but it still messed me up

 

[HappyPotato69]

its always made me feel smth, like i just hoped that it didnt have to come down to that, but it did anyway and it feels bad bc of the inevitability of it.

 

[NZkiwi]

I was following someone else's thread leading up to ctb and knew they did it because they stopped posting. I cried for someone didnt know. I

Yeah I was pretty amibelent for most people until I saw another New Zealander (it's a small country) post a good bye thread

The thread asked for music suggestions so I dm'd them and gave them my favorite song, I
The repleid saying "oh great to connect with another kiwi", "loved listening to it while packing my bags before heading out to my hotel.

I'm glad you could cry
I don't know where to even start processing it

I felt
frightened
powerless
and a little excluded


I reached out to my friends and I told them this story (slowly learning to open up to my friends)... and they didn't know what to say

**

I guess thnk you for sharing
Might be feeling more common
And like you said, no judgement zone, we're all adults and we make our own decisions, live and let live

feels bad bc of the inevitability of it

Wdym by inevetiablity of it? Once others make up their mind, they do what they want to do?
Like the finality of it

I guess right now I'm ambivilent, 50/50 about ctb and recovery.... I feel like I still could go either way. Only time will tell.

 

[Musiclover338]

seen a few SN videos i wont say any names but they are heartbreaking and i always cry like a faucet becuz im worried i will end it the same way as i have access to SN currently, but im not currently trying to do it. But i dont wanna throw away my SN

just hate that this is the hand life dealt alot of people that we feel like we have to off ourselves

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

I read their history and find something to remember them by. I do feel sad.

 

[StarsAbove]

Yeah I was pretty amibelent for most people until I saw another New Zealander (it's a small country) post a good bye thread

The thread asked for music suggestions so I dm'd them and gave them my favorite song, I
The repleid saying "oh great to connect with another kiwi", "loved listening to it while packing my bags before heading out to my hotel.

I'm glad you could cry
I don't know where to even start processing it

I felt
frightened
powerless
and a little excluded


I reached out to my friends and I told them this story (slowly learning to open up to my friends)... and they didn't know what to say

**

I guess thnk you for sharing
Might be feeling more common
And like you said, no judgement zone, we're all adults and we make our own decisions, live and let live

Wdym by inevetiablity of it? Once others make up their mind, they do what they want to do?
Like the finality of it

I guess right now I'm ambivilent, 50/50 about ctb and recovery.... I feel like I still could go either way. Only time will tell.

You made a connection with them, it became person at that point. Its okay to be sad about that. I guess some people dont know how to deal with death or other people's grief. Especially if they havent experienced ut for themselves yet.

seen a few SN videos i wont say any names but they are heartbreaking and i always cry like a faucet becuz im worried i will end it the same way as i have access to SN currently, but im not currently trying to do it. But i dont wanna throw away my SN

just hate that this is the hand life dealt alot of people that we feel like we have to off ourselves

Ugh, why would you make a video of it? That would scar me for life. I once considered SN but that then I read some case studies on it and read that it could be really painful and one guy who survived it woke up all confused, covered in puke and feces and then called 911. I don't want any that. Freaks me out. Yes I agree, its really sad that some us cant fight or demons anymore and see no other way out.

 

[never mind me]

For me it feels extremely unreal to read these goodbye threads. Like I can barely believe this is actually happening. Maybe it's because I would never post a goodbye thread myself or use SN which is used by most people with goodbye threads. I have never lost anyone to suicide in real life, but a friend (but not a close one) died from drug overdose a year ago (and she was only 30 I think), but even then I wasn't too emotional . But maybe it was because I knew how bad her mental state was in the last couple of years before dying and I thought it might have been a relief for her not to continue struggling with life. Or maybe I am just not very emotional in general when people die, who knows?
When I watched videos from people hanging themselves I was fascinated in a morbid way. I found it quite interesting, because that would be my method, too.

 

[StarsAbove]

For me it feels extremely unreal to read these goodbye threads. Like I can barely believe this is actually happening. Maybe it's because I would never post a goodbye thread myself or use SN which is used by most people with goodbye threads. I have never lost anyone to suicide in real life, but a friend (but not a close one) died from drug overdose a year ago (and she was only 30 I think), but even then I wasn't too emotional . But maybe it was because I knew how bad her mental state was in the last couple of years before dying and I thought it might have been a relief for her not to continue struggling with life. Or maybe I am just not very emotional in general when people die, who knows?
When I watched videos from people hanging themselves I was fascinated in a morbid way. I found it quite interesting, because that would be my method, too.

More power to you. I used to be in love with death and destruction when I was younger but Ive Become a big softie. There is something to be curious about it, and especially if that is your plan. I used to be in love with death and destruction when I was younger but Ive Become a big softie.

 

[never mind me]

More power to you. I used to be in love with death and destruction when I was younger but Ive Become a big softie. There is something to be curious about it, and especially if that is your plan. I used to be in love with death and destruction when I was younger but Ive Become a big softie.

I think I am fascinated, because I was so relieved to realize that with hanging you don't typically stay conscious for minutes and suffer, but it is only a few seconds till you lose consciousness. That makes this method so much less scary.

 

[StarsAbove]

I think there isn if there are certain ways to do it that arent agonizing, then that is preferable for sure.

 

[pellisetossium]

Dread. Death is a last resort for me, not something I crave or seek actively. Struggling with suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that I'm not scared of dying. If anything, having these thoughts of death being the only thing left to do just amplifies my pre-existing fear. I've failed ODs a couple of times before, and I think the reason has always been that my body gets so panicked it can't help but fight against death by throwing tantrums and vomiting even though I should be so drugged I can't even stand. I used to be so imperturbable when younger and watched and heard all sorts of gnarly things, but now it's like death is something so close to me that everything feels like a sign of it hunting for me.
I also have an "irrational" fear of losing people to suicide specifically. I can make peace with someone succumbing to an illness or having an accident, but the idea that any of my friends might be considering taking their lives terrifies me to the core. That could be one thing to throw me over and make me CTB.
Overall, I'm scared of death. I wish I could overcome it.

 

[trying ungracefully]

I get jealous. It's not something I can do even though I want it. I wish I could just do what they did and not worry about what would happen after death with my family. I got a glimpse of what it was like for my parents to lose a child with my brother's kidnapping so I couldn't ever do that to them where they know I'm not coming back. I love them a lot and even though I feel like a burden they will still do anything for me and they show it. I can't kill myself knowing my parents are doing everything in their power to help me.

 

[StarsAbove]

Dread. Death is a last resort for me, not something I crave or seek actively. Struggling with suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that I'm not scared of dying. If anything, having these thoughts of death being the only thing left to do just amplifies my pre-existing fear. I've failed ODs a couple of times before, and I think the reason has always been that my body gets so panicked it can't help but fight against death by throwing tantrums and vomiting even though I should be so drugged I can't even stand. I used to be so imperturbable when younger and watched and heard all sorts of gnarly things, but now it's like death is something so close to me that everything feels like a sign of it hunting for me.
I also have an "irrational" fear of losing people to suicide specifically. I can make peace with someone succumbing to an illness or having an accident, but the idea that any of my friends might be considering taking their lives terrifies me to the core. That could be one thing to throw me over and make me CTB.
Overall, I'm scared of death. I wish I could overcome it.

it is such as strange double standard, isnt it? I would be so upset if my friend or a partner would be thinking about CTB or actually doing so. What part of death do you fear?

 

[NZkiwi]

I would be so upset if my friend or a partner would be thinking about CTB or actually doing so.

Reckon you're able to give yourself the compassion you readily give others, on this forum and probably in real life too?

 

[StarsAbove]

Sir, you're throwing off my whole double standard system with your empathy and reasonable perspective lol

 

[NZkiwi]

Sir, you're throwing off my whole double standard system with your empathy and reasonable perspective lol

I think you'd be a great politician, answering the question without answering the question

 

[StarsAbove]

I think you'd be a great politician, answering the question without answering the question

Haha! Guilty as charged

 

[Red.one]

I'm seeking for the videos from time to time. From my point of view it's mostly "respect for the fallen". Sometimes it makes me want to go that way, sometimes it's just an reassurance that I don't want to do itt. I live with the want of killing myself for to long for it to make a bigger impact? We're all on the same frontline.

 

[NZkiwi]

what does impact mean?

the good bye theads to me seem to desensitise further suicidal idestion, as the alarm bells turn off.

for me it felt like it normalised killing my self, and made me think i wont have thst much impact, i can just post on the oage, get a few replies ",hope you find peace" and then id die

world moves on.
my impact in this world was essentially nothing

 

[pellisetossium]

it is such as strange double standard, isnt it? I would be so upset if my friend or a partner would be thinking about CTB or actually doing so. What part of death do you fear?

Asides from being familiar to the desperation that comes with trying to plan a suicide, I've grown up in a family of mentally unwell individuals for whom I have been the mediator, caregiver, legal representative (when they were minors). They... Manage, now. My death could easily derail them from whatever stability they have.
Also, death is costly financially wise. To be honest, even though I've had multiple OD attempts, I don't know how I'm going to pass and I couldn't bear to put my already economically strained family through more hardship.

 

[itsgone2]

I'm enjoy goodby threads. Ive never know why. Happy for them but also they give hope. Hope that it can be done
The ones I've seen were all amazing in how at peace the person was. It's inspiring.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I feel happy for anybody who has left. The socially correct thing that most people say is "what a tragedy". To me the tragedy is coming in to this world.

 

[notthatclever]

Maybe as a kid.. I had a bunch of family shoot themselves in the head in the span of a few years and it's always open casket so you have to see the patched up bullet holes.. but not really anymore. Maybe exposure in childhood hardened me.. not that I'm indifferent it's just doesnt bother me.. and honestly, if that's what somebody wants that's what they want..

Whenever I'd see somebody in their casket.. no matter what even though I know it's my brain playing a trick.. it always looks like they're breathing.. I asked an undertaker once about it at a funeral and he said that that's normal.. it takes a while to get used to seeing dead people.. I was a little girl and confused by it.. and kids have that knack of asking bolder questions..

Anyways it's painful in a way and at the same time you feel nothing.. suicide is a confusing death.. it's not a cemented reason why to die like cancer or stroke..

There is no existential hanging.. whereas with suicide you're always asking yourself as to why they may have.. even if they wrote you an entire book as to why they might have.. there will always be a question of why..


And sometimes you grow up one day to understand exactly why they did it..

And they or you can never really fully explain why.. you just know why one day if your head gets taken there..

Life is miserable.. it's awful.. people are awful.. occasionally you might get slight reprieves in the pain but those are fleeting and getting fewer and fewer..

But no it doesn't bother me.. and while I might not understand the specifics or know exactly what got them there.. deep down I know exactly why on some level why they did it.. and usually the specifics are semantics.. just used as a tipping point to snap..

And you really know why.. in that deeper level.. it doesn't bother you.. at least some part of them is at peace now.. they never have to struggle with it again.. be judged for it.. argue about it.. get harassed about it.. it's all over and nobody can say shit about it.. and then everybody learns that everything they had to say anyways never mattered.. so why shouldn't bother me.. they're free.. finally free from it all..

Everybody makes a big mistake that hanging on to see if life will pan out differently a lot of times.. myself included..

As for me it's not hope anymore.. used to be.. that got beat out of me.. it's just to make damn sure that I was right.. and so far for a decade I am right.. and they can't say I'm not..

And that's the part that burns..

I'm never proven wrong about it.. and what a joke it is to try.. and nobody wants to be around to be everybody else's punching bag.. that's not a life..

So no.. it doesn't bother me.. they found peace.. let them have their peace.. nothing you can do to change it anyways.. it bothers you because you think you could have changed something.. and you couldn't have.. that and the big question as to why they did it..

 

[StarsAbove]

Asides from being familiar to the desperation that comes with trying to plan a suicide, I've grown up in a family of mentally unwell individuals for whom I have been the mediator, caregiver, legal representative (when they were minors). They... Manage, now. My death could easily derail them from whatever stability they have.
Also, death is costly financially wise. To be honest, even though I've had multiple OD attempts, I don't know how I'm going to pass and I couldn't bear to put my already economically strained family through more hardship.

That sounds really heavy. You probably had to grow up fast. That is a lot to put on a kid. Seems like you feel really responsible for your family's wellbeing. Yes, Its crazy how expensive dying is.

 

[crabclaw]

a while ago, a family member of mine ctb. I didn't even really know her, but it was really sad and made me not want to ctb, especially seeing how it affected her immediate family. At the same time, I feel that I understand why she did what she did, and I know she didn't want to cause anybody any pain. When I am suicidal, I think all the time "I want people to feel relieved for me, because they know that I am not in pain anymore". She isn't suffering anymore, and for that reason, I am happy for her. Learning that somebody has ctb is still such a heavy thing, definitely makes me feel conflicted with my own suicidality.

 

[praythestars]

Not at all, which is worrying and actually why I just clicked on this part of the site today. Yesterday I was in a CTB thread, and I seek them out pretty regularly, and will even read old ones if nothing is happening in real time.

It's been awhile since I've been on here until recently, and I guess just the total lack of feeling anything at all from it...can't say it unnerves me, but I know logically it should. I don't really feel anything at all anymore about anything. I can still joke and laugh and things when someone is around, but I don't actually feel it, same as I don't feel anything when I watch a video or read a thread.

Doesn't make me want to CTB more, doesn't make me want to less, the most I can muster up is a 'I hope it really was the right answer for them' and that's it.

 

[NZkiwi]

Closing loop for my own peace

Yeah I was pretty amibelent for most people until I saw another New Zealander (it's a small country) post a good bye thread

The thread asked for music suggestions so I dm'd them and gave them my favorite song, I
The repleid saying "oh great to connect with another kiwi", "loved listening to it while packing my bags before heading out to my hotel.

I messaged the person, user (let's call them D) before their attempt, with some nice things to say and to like come to the recovery forum if they change their mind.

Didn't hear back from them but D was in my thoughts over the last few weeks.
Saw them active on Sasu a week so flicked them a gentle, how are you doing message, hope you're okay etc.
Didn't get a reply

Got a message earlier today (I don't share DM but I think this is an exception - this is abridged )

Kia ora, this is D's sister [...] Her entire whānau are devastated, and my husband and I [...] found this forum while trying to look for answers. Thank you for reaching out to my sister when you did. Wishing you much peace. Ngā mihi nui.

(whanau means family)

This breaks my heart reading this.
I know this is social media, but there is a person behind every post, and even if we don't think it, a lot of people that love them.

I would have gone to the funeral if I knew them irl

Don't know how to really process it
But yeah, to answer the question @StarsAbove , it does effect me when I see others ctb


****


I'll end this with maori whakatauki (proverb)

He aha te mea nui o te ao
What is the most important thing in the world?
He tangata, he tangata, he tangata
It is the people, it is the people, it is the people

Wishing everyone love and peace x

 

[bluupup]

A couple weeks ago when I was in a worse place, it may not have, I saw it as liberation. Now that some of the depression has lifted, It really did, more than I knew it would. I was following someone else's thread leading up to ctb and knew they did it because they stopped posting. I cried for someone didnt know. I respect everyone's decisions and no judgment here, it is our lives and our right to do what we will with them, but it still messed me up

i dont know if you mean seeing it in person or not, but I've seen this old guy jump off a building in my town in person when I was in 7th grade and it has stuck with me forever. I wasn't sad per-say but I was disturbed. I think about the actual physical things like how he died from a fall like that. it wasn't very high, around two stories maybe? it was from the town sign. straight onto concrete. he was old, so I guess it makes sense though. I feel like when I see people CTB, if they're old, I feel such a sense of understanding. I plan to CTB when I hit 45, so yeah. I wouldn't wanna grow old either!

 

[3rdworldsadness]

I feel strange but at the same time they are in peace so I feel good for them. Nobody should suffer and they are in peace that's all that matters.

 

[sneab]

A couple weeks ago when I was in a worse place, it may not have, I saw it as liberation. Now that some of the depression has lifted, It really did, more than I knew it would. I was following someone else's thread leading up to ctb and knew they did it because they stopped posting. I cried for someone didnt know. I respect everyone's decisions and no judgment here, it is our lives and our right to do what we will with them, but it still messed me up

I'm always a bit envious. Even when I'm not in low times it just serves as a reminder of what I can't do. I usually mourn for them one way or another. It kind of gives me hope too. As if I reminded I can still do it should I chose to.

i dont know if you mean seeing it in person or not, but I've seen this old guy jump off a building in my town in person when I was in 7th grade and it has stuck with me forever. I wasn't sad per-say but I was disturbed. I think about the actual physical things like how he died from a fall like that. it wasn't very high, around two stories maybe? it was from the town sign. straight onto concrete. he was old, so I guess it makes sense though. I feel like when I see people CTB, if they're old, I feel such a sense of understanding. I plan to CTB when I hit 45, so yeah. I wouldn't wanna grow old either!

Omg I have selected that exact age too! I've said to myself if natural causes don't take me I will take myself. I feel like I won't have much longer to live anyways and I might not have to self dispose.