Venting does anyone else lay in bed for as long as they can?

[eggsausagerice]

i know it's not good for me. i just don't seem to want to do anything at all. it's tiring. i could pick up driving lessons because i have a month before i kill myself again, but i don't know if it would be worth it because i would dissociate behind the wheel and my mom would keep asking if i learned how to drive after i came home from every driving lesson. no one's able to actually help me with learning how to drive besides a driving school because the people i know live far away or doesn't know how to drive either. i've been relying on ubers to get around for a while even though it's expensive, since my dad is the only one that can pick me up places. i just don't really feel like doing anything besides laying down in my room if my mom would hold anything she does for me over my head. i could've started driving lessons this month, but i didn't, because i thought this month would end up being when i died. but it feels like i always think that now.

i don't like being around my mom because she stresses me out, but because i'm at home all of the time since i dropped out of college i'm pretty much always around her. she contributed a lot to my childhood anxiety and guilt around being born that i feel now. even if i know laying in bed every single day and watching stuff on my phone isn't good for me, it makes me feel like less of a burden than if i was doing something because doing something means i have to impact others. i don't know how to explain it to other people that don't understand, since they think that i'm just being lazy because i like it or that i'll eventually go back to wanting to live again. this feels like the worst period of my life because i can't see any way out besides suicide. i just feel really awful, but on the surface it looks like i'm completely relaxed because i have no responsibilities. i feel stressed even when i don't have responsibilities because i know that if i told people what i do all day they would just think i'm a loser and a bum living with my parents.

i don't think i deserve to be alive, but i postponed my suicide date to make someone happy because they wanted to go to a convention with me. my life is still aimless even if i agreed to go there with them instead of kill myself in a week. i think i regret it now, even though i still want to make them happy. they were looking forward to it and were telling me they wanted to go with me, so i figured that me killing myself before they went to the convention would ruin it for them. i don't know if there's anything for me to be proud about if i'm not in school, working, or have any talents. i'm just alive, but no one really cares if you're only alive. unproductive people like me end up dying or getting kicked out eventually. i don't really know how to cope with the perpetual feeling of being useless anymore lol

 

[CrawlingInMySkin]

I do the same thing... I have a just a couple things that put my mind to rest and lying in bed is one of them. And I get postponing your date, too. It's just kind of an impulse to do anything to make things easier for others. Love and peace, mate. Hope you can live the rest of your time happy

 

[Luchs]

I sleep for 12 hours a day, even when I wake up I don't get out until my parents kick me out. I don't feel like interacting with anyone or anything because me simply existing around other people feels like an affront or straight assault towards them. Everyone is a useful person with others that care about them and a future, I'm just a complete drain. I can't ctb because it'd destroy my parents but I feel like staying alive is unfair to them too. I'm too clumsy, stupid and mentally rotten to do anything of value. There's no reason for me to do anything because everything that needs to be done has someone who can do it better than me, deserves the work more than me. Nothing I could fo or say hasn't been done or said before, most definetly by someone smarter. I'm obsolete. I wish I could just sleep the whole day. Dreams are nice.

 

[lavenderlilylies]

Yep. I often sleep till i get a headache and my whole body feels sore from laying down. I slept through all of my classes back in school im genuinely surprised i was able to pass. got a bit out of character in uni and I would stay awake for multiple days. But now that I graduated I'm back to my old habits. I pretty much only work and sleep.

it's my favorite way to escape. I'm always either asleep or daydreaming. I don't think I've ever been fully present. I think that's what's keeping me somewhat sane

I do the same thing... I have a just a couple things that put my mind to rest and lying in bed is one of them. And I get postponing your date, too. It's just kind of an impulse to do anything to make things easier for others. Love and peace, mate. Hope you can live the rest of your time happy

Totally unrelated but cherry wine is my favorite song

 

[violetforever]

i somehow want to die more from actually being productive compared to when i was able to just lay in bed all day for years of my life. maybe i kind of lost touch with reality and could ignore fully existing back then unlike now with the responsibilities of school and a car. i thought doing anything instead of wasting away in my room was supposed to help but its not. i still plan on killing myself eventually.

 

[TooMuch.]

Yes

 

[eggsausagerice]

i somehow want to die more from actually being productive compared to when i was able to just lay in bed all day for years of my life. maybe i kind of lost touch with reality and could ignore fully existing back then unlike now with the responsibilities of school and a car.

i get that. i kind of stay dissociated for most of the day to cope with how meaningless my life feels, but if i was back in school or had a job for the first time instead of being depressed at home, i would feel anxious about keeping it up because i can't just lay in bed and sleep until i get a dehydration headache or need to pee.

i dropped out college for my own good because being around people make me nervous since i knew they were normal but i felt like i was always on the verge of ripping out my hair or banging my head into a wall. i feel jealous of most people, even though my friends aren't doing that much better than me since most of them haven't moved away from their parents' houses or learned how to drive. i know my life is easier at home because i can manage my anxiety better, but the dread of knowing i'm not contributing anything to society won't go away.

 

[lifesnotfair]

Same here. My day is so boring I look forward to sleeping 10 hours.

 

[hihi2027]

I sleep as much as I can although these days I can't indulge as much. My life is unfortuantly demanding action right now and there's basically no time for sleep outside of the end of the day when I'm totally worn out from hours of suicidal thoughts and dread of life plus other obligations. It's like a double edged sword though. One one edge, I experience what it's like to be dead and what absolute nothingness is like. But nighttime lends itself to inactivity, and a mind with nothing to keep itself busy with is the devils playground. Old traumas, past embarassments, mental scars. I tend to ruminate on these things. There's a reason why alot of suicides happen during the early hours 2-3am. But sometimes I do get a cool dream as a totally different person. It's like a reality where all of the things that make me wish for ctb just don't exist anymore. Other dreams are more nonsensical, but I'd take those any night over this living nightmare we face everyday. Of course there's the dreams where you wake up screaming bloody murder in a cold sweat. I luckily have these rarely but it sucks when I do. But yeah, it's not a wonder why people one here enjoy sleep. Why it's their favorite part of the day. After all isn't that what the end goal of suicide is, to sleep forever?

 

[Passenger4224]

As this year has been going by it just gets harder and harder and harder to get out of bed. I'm often laying in bed for hours after I wake up, and when I'm off, not getting up till the late afternoon when my cat starts yelling at the door...

The cycle of deciding on a ctb date, then postponing, then regretting it ... it's so tiring, I imagine the regret makes everything more painful. I believe you can make it through this extra month. You got this