Discussion Does anyone else have to resort to torturing people in their head to cope with criticism/ rejection

[achingthroat]

The criticism or rejection doesn't have to be direct or mean and I'll still have to hurt this person in my mind to make me feel okay afterwards and in control.

For example, my psychiatrist is chill and seems to be fond of me but this one instance where it sounded like she was invalidating or more so questioning my diagnosis, it made me feel anxious and I was quick to "defend" myself or make myself clearer about what I really meant to clear out misunderstandings. This triggered a feeling inside me that when I got home all I could think about was how this made me feel like some fraud even though I know it's not true and as a result needed to imagine me torturing her in the worst ways in that office to calm myself.

I do this shit with other people too when I feel a sense of criticism/ rejection against me. I'm also the type to feel overly irritated when I hear my family members talking in the house or being in the same place causing me to shut myself back in my room because I hate being around people too much and being observed and perceived and depending on how I feel or other factors, I also torture them in my head and if that's not enough then I want to hurt myself.

I feel it so strongly that any sort of disagreement even in good faith towards me feels like a personal vendetta against me.

 

[PimpHand]

Yes, I do imagine that too.

I also imagine myself doing other bad things but I can't say it here.

Fortunately I feel bad even by killing a cockroach. Once I had to mercy kill a rat because my dog didn't kill it properly, it was so painful, I still think about it...

 

[achingthroat]

Yes, I do imagine that too.

I also imagine myself doing other bad things but I can't say it here.

Fortunately I feel bad even by killing a cockroach. Once I had to mercy kill a rat because my dog didn't kill it properly, it was so painful, I still think about it...

I don't really have a problem with killing insects as I would put salt all over slugs on purpose to see them die because I hated them and I still do but it's because they freak me out.

I remember hearing the screams of a rat after being caught by a rat trap, it freaked me out a bit because of the noise. I never had to take the life of a mammal, it'll freak me out to do so if I had to for mercy :/

 

[PimpHand]

I don't really have a problem with killing insects as I would put salt all over slugs on purpose to see them die because I hated them and I still do but it's because they freak me out.

I remember hearing the screams of a rat after being caught by a rat trap, it freaked me out a bit because of the noise. I never had to take the life of a mammal, it'll freak me out to do so if I had to for mercy :/

Yeah man it's horrible, I had a broom in my hand and i had to take the poor rat with a strike in the head. Thankfully it worked and the poor soul rested.

I don't kill anything unless it is a threat to my life and my health, so I kill animals that cause disease. Mostly it's just cockroaches, sometimes rats and rarely slugs and spiders.