permanently tired
it's never enough
- Nov 8, 2023
- 264
I'm not sure if it has a name, but unprovoked I have this unstable sense of superiority. I could be alone in my room and my brain tempts me with ideas of how to successful I could be, how great it would feel to be acknowledged by society's metrics, and that I could claim it for myself if I acted. I don't know why it happens as I said, it just does and quite frequently. The rational part of me tells me it is merely fantasizing and that is partially true. I've fantasized about other scenarios before, but this is different. It remains with me for some time whereas when I'm done fantasizing abt smth it normally ends there and I stop thinking abt it. The lingering effect emboldens me and not in a good way. I can be dismissive of other ppl, tear them down and step on their feelings. I can choose not to let it influence my words/action if I'm with someone but it's not easy. I can't think properly when I'm prioritizing how to not say smth arrogant. I couldn't find anything abt it. Has smth to do with the ego, but it seems normal for it fluctuate. I'm questioning if it's more bc of how frequently it disrupts my life. I've always known I react disproportionately to situations bc my mother has said it many times growing up and I recognize it too. Things that would irritate ppl at most anger me. I'm not sure if my short temper has smth to do with it. Inversely, I also become "depressed" (in comparison to wtv it is I'm normally feeling) quickly though it's usually not from other ppl, but me ruminating and it just leads me down a dark hole. Maybe I should try to see a psychologist, but I don't rlly want to bc I feel compelled to lie or I'll let out too much and land myself in the grippy sock factory again. Am I just going crazy?
