Yeah , honestly, fucking agreed. I said a little more than a week ago that I want a bit out from the forum, I was a bit out , I even cut of my exposure to bad things that happen in real life and on the internet internet for quite a while now; but today in real life, I've heard shitty things spoken and I've seen shitty things online this night and I got a feeling that I haven't gotten in a while , it was like being a powerless kid, like having a pit in my stomach, reading or hearing shit that I can't unread or unhear, knowing that some bastard is out there in real life or online , doing or talking their sick shit and the appropriate thing to say is " let them have some fun or let them live their life because it doesn't hurt someone?" FUCK THAT.
The pieces of shit that live in permanent bliss and ignorance that shush away any bad thoughts because their empathy can be selective, fuck those people. I have to permanently shield myself from everything by getting back into being as suicidal as detached as possible to be able to even process reality without wanting to cry or feeling like a powerless child; if I don't do this I end up feeling insanely shit like it happened now.
It's like I'm exposing myself to a friend only to end up being violated. The feeling I get is like I'm powerless, I'm like a deer in the headlights, it's not even a pit in my stomach it's just a feeling of "you read that or you heard this person say this and there is nothing you can do, you can't do anything against it" fuck that feeling, I can do anything I want about what pisses me off. That feeling of being powerless I don't want to experience it ever again.
This all happened because for 2-3 weeks, I tried to "get better", I tried to limit my exposure like some therapists suggested (I still have some of the "strategies" written down) and what ended up happening? I felt powerless , more powerless than before, I forgot to hate, I forgot to think about the shitty things that happen in everyday life. For 2 weeks , I've tried limiting my internet access (and to an extent real life too) and it made me feel like shit when I got exposed to the harsh reality. I just need to get back into thinking about awful shit and it won't affect me anymore, I won't get hurt again, I will get angry again, that will be good; anger never failed me in this regard.
I literally opened SaSu for the reason of talking or searching for a subject about this.