Does anybody think of ctb to calm down?

[Sslsh]

I have a habit of imagining my ctb plan in intricate detail whenever I'm in a shitty situation, to kind of calm myself down. Like reassuring myself that I have a plan to end all this if things don't get better. The downside (or upside?) to this is that I now don't have any fear of ctb. Feel like a ticking time bomb.

 

[Volo vent]

Yeah i have the same feeling every time i feel trapped into some situation and i cant find a way out.
Its a cope mechanism

 

[$nowLeopard]

I have I sense of calm when I realise I can end my life on my own terms. Any day I could just do a partial hang

 

[Bone]

yeah it can help stop me cycling

 

[happy1234]

yea it makes life feel almost like a video game you can just quit

 

[...]

all the time. just need to think something suicide related to keep calm. it's why people who are against this site are idiots. it's literally better than any therapy the state or some private company could give me. just need to consume content on suicide in order to remind myself there's a way out and i don't always have to feel panicked.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

Yes. So much so that I used OD to cope and it hurts to wake up alive after that.

Next stop - SN.

 

[DocNo]

I have a habit of imagining my ctb plan in intricate detail whenever I'm in a shitty situation, to kind of calm myself down. Like reassuring myself that I have a plan to end all this if things don't get better. The downside (or upside?) to this is that I now don't have any fear of ctb. Feel like a ticking time bomb.

about 10 years ago i imagined sometimes my ctb and i also noticed a calming effect. i guess it's maybe cause with this imagination everything else is set into a new relation and maybe also the realization that worst case i die and so the things which dragged me down looked less menacing.

i don't know if you were already actively suicidal. cause as i experienced it that is another cup of tea compared to just fantasize about it. so i wouldn't see it as a downside. but maybe cause i already had no problem with death. it's more the process of dying which gives me headaches ^^

i once did read that nietzsche also talked about this imagined ctb and how it had a calming effect.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
Nietzsche

 

[Deleted member 8579]

I'll just quote an older comment of mine:

«Je ne vis que parce qu'il est en mon pouvoir de mourir quand bon me semblera: sans l'idée du suicide, je me serais tué depuis toujours.»
- Cioran, Syllogismes de l'amertume

(I live only because it is in my power to die when I please: without the idea of suicide, I'd have killed myself right away.)

I used to think like this as well, and still try to some extent, until I chanced upon several first hand accounts from users of this website who were grimly determined to follow through with their plans of suicide, only for their attempts to be thwarted by that seemingly all-powerful survival instinct.
It is not dissimilar to the case of a man who calms himself with the certainty that he has enough money in the bank to get through difficult times, only to discover at the crucial moment that his bank account is empty.
I try to take comfort in the thought that I always have the option to "die when I please", but with each passing day, I cannot help but feel more and more like a gambler who tells himself that he could always win back what he lost if he only tried, despite knowing full well that it is not true.

The thought of suicide used to calm me down, but the more I dwell on it, the more it does the opposite: I reach for the emergency brake, but there isn't one there.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, thinking about my death is comforting. Ctb is the one way to be free of all pain and suffering and to finally be at peace. Whenever something horrible happens, it is a relief to think about ctb, knowing that I can end it all, even know it is difficult, but of course it is always possible. Death is what I look forward too, knowing it will be the end of everything and I will not have to experience anything ever again.

 

[Samsara]

Yes, it reminds me that all of this will end

 

[Ectaxy]

Yes, but at the same time I think about everything that I won't be able to do if I do ctb, my head is torture, it's 100% all day long, I can't stand it anymore

 

[ClownMe]

Sometimes when it gets really bad ill tell myself that the suffering is only temporary and once your dog dies then you'll be free to ctb anytime.