Do your CTB desire fluctuate?

[Nirrend]

Hi everyone

I'm going to make it simple, currently I'm caught up in obligations and only these obligations (getting my degree this year). This is the only thing that motivates me to act in the life.

This degree is a promise I made to someone. Only, apart from this diploma, I don't have any taste for anything anymore, I find that life is just an illusion, I feel lonely, i hate myself...

Only, my desires to CTB fluctuate. A few weeks ago, I was literally ready to do it every night and I wasn't doing anything anymore. And now, seeing that I have things to come (handing in files, finishing my contract, exams...), I'm motivated again, but just for that. Because beyond my diploma, I just see my end and nothing else.

Do you often feel like that ? I'm losing sight of my desire to CTB, I don't want to idealise life and renounce to the past, it scares me

 

[CommitSudoku]

I go through phases of different levels of passively being suicidal to getting bad enough off it becomes active. Or I get close to breaking down and dive in to alcohol or something, or a numbness settles over me and nothing has meaning. I find I rarely like any of the states I'm in. It's very hard to contemplate giving our all to follow some other route in life when early death is the only end we've ever desired. I can relate to that, I'm scared to ever commit to trying to do something else wholeheartedly. Plus my suicidal desire will return full force and I know I'll get to a point to act on it. It just adds to all the stress there already is.

I'd say to try not to worry and if possible enjoy the moments you can still find motivation. In a way, we can always return to this path so long as we haven't taken it and are gone. Once successful it's permanent, but until then you can do whatever you want so you don't have to rush unless that's what you chose to do yourself. So long as you're not successful, in some ways it's always an option.

Do you enjoy what you worked to get your degree in? There's nothing wrong with getting it and seeing it you could enjoy working in the field. It's your life so I hope you can continue to do what you feel is best for you. I really do relate on a lot of what you wrote though and I cannot guarantee that anything will be worth anything so it's up to you what you want to do and try. Best wishes whatever you decide to do and an in-advance congratulations on your degree.

 

[Al Cappella]

Oh constantly, usually depending on how much stress there is. Things moving along somewhat smoothly it's way down. Partner leaves, there are wildfires I have to flee from, lose job—all in 5 months—ya, then it's much more intense…

 

[HappyForever?]

All the time. When I'm at my best I can almost forget about CTbing. When I'm at my worst I can't do anything but fantasize about CTbing.

 

[sadnessnsuicide]

Yes, on the daily. Recently, I travelled to another city in my state and head an awesome time. It reminded me that there will be experiencces I will miss out on if i ctb. Unfortunately, I've decided this is the path I simply must take. I don't think at the end of the month these good days will outweigh the many, many bad days I have experienced and continue to experience.

 

[sparky10]

No it is there all the time. My life is over as I'm so retarded with no hope

 

[Sadness20]

Lets say, i'd never have an issue with getting hit by a bus. But i only sometimes actively do something

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case, I want to die all of the time, I never want to live. I think that for me, thoughts of suicide are perfectly rational and are what makes sense for me. I simply do not see my life as being worth living and I want to escape from decades of suffering which I will have to experience if I stayed alive. I see the world for what it is, a miserable place filled with so much pain. All that I want is to escape it.