Do you think being unable

[Walilamdzi]

to start university 3 years in a row is a justified reason for wanting to ctb? I think it has knock on effects for the rest of my life...

 

[Thin Chew]

to start university 3 years in a row is a justified reason for wanting to ctb? I think it has knock on effects for the rest of my life...

No. You still have a long journey. You know... University isn't a thing.

Haven't you heard news from those people who succeed told us about their life progress? Not everyone who went to university can be a successful guy in the future. Some who never went to university can be a rich person too. It's all about working hard

to start university 3 years in a row is a justified reason for wanting to ctb? I think it has knock on effects for the rest of my life...

Be strong and work hard. Don't give up easily. You ain't like me have a bad family, pressure etc. It's just university.

 

[Anima]

to start university 3 years in a row is a justified reason for wanting to ctb? I think it has knock on effects for the rest of my life...

Why do you want to go to university so badly?

We all have our reasons for wanting to ctb, and it depends on the individual psychological pressure. For me personally this alone wouldn't be a reason to commit suicide.

 

[alizee]

I think a person can get into selling real estate without needing a degree and make enough money to live comfortably. Maybe I'm wrong but the careers in selling high cost items does return worthwhile margins of profit. University is really unnecessary for many fields but society has just made it a requirement.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@Anima Originally, I wanted to get a degree and then go into teaching. I think if I'd been able to do the subject I wanted to do, I'd have met different people who were interested in similar things but instead I've been incredibly isolated. The only jobs available without university are not full time, minimum wage and in retail, which is hard because I'm so introverted.

I've found everything difficult since receiving a diagnosis of bipolar, although I don't really agree with DSM diagnoses and being hounded by medical people who can't actually offer me anything but just remind me of the fact that I don't have the autonomy I used to have. So I guess it's a combination of reasons and issues caused by not coping.

 

[Nifi]

Maybe you can try a different form of therapy like psychoanalysis who don't push diagnosis but look deeper into your life?

My reason for ctb right know would be my physical condition, i'm completely disabled because of it, and i don't want to live like this.

 

[Thin Chew]

Maybe you can try a different form of therapy like psychoanalysis who don't push diagnosis but look deeper into your life?

My reason for ctb right know would be my physical condition, i'm completely disabled because of it, and i don't want to live like this.

Whats your disability?

 

[Nifi]

Whats your disability?

PSSD + some other neurological problems (muscle weakness + spasm, unable to think and terrible confusion) + chronic pelvic pain (i'm already doing pelvic floor therapy) and emotional numbness. I can't study anymore or do a job or whatever. It sucks

 

[Thin Chew]

PSSD + some other neurological problems (muscle weakness + spasm, unable to think and terrible confusion) + chronic pelvic pain (i'm already doing pelvic floor therapy) and emotional numbness. I can't study anymore or do a job or whatever. It sucks

I'm sorry... Shouldn't ask

 

[Anima]

@Anima Originally, I wanted to get a degree and then go into teaching. I think if I'd been able to do the subject I wanted to do, I'd have met different people who were interested in similar things but instead I've been incredibly isolated. The only jobs available without university are not full time, minimum wage and in retail, which is hard because I'm so introverted.

I've found everything difficult since receiving a diagnosis of bipolar, although I don't really agree with DSM diagnoses and being hounded by medical people who can't actually offer me anything but just remind me of the fact that I don't have the autonomy I used to have. So I guess it's a combination of reasons and issues caused by not coping.

@Walilamdzi Seriously, don't get too upset by the DSM-Diagnosis. Ask 10 different psychiatrists, get 10 different opinions on what might be wrong with you. I know it's really hard, because you are feeling that you are not ok, but please don't let them define who you are based on some crazy medical bullshit.

Totally get that feeling. I went to university but didn't the degree I wanted. Thus I wasn't as dedicated as I should have been. Isolation sucks and it is so damn hard to fight it and not sink in even deeper. However, I am also very sure that there is more than one way of getting into certain areas of work. If I could start again, I would make it work this time.
Isn't it somehow possible to start working and get certificates or courses that bring you closer to your goal? University or something similar might very well work out if you get some working-experiences?
Just brain-storming, here. lol

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

I agree with @Thin Chew on this one. I remember a time I thought failing out of college was the end of the world. It wasn't. Then you start noticing that there are successful people who never even went to college. It's not that higher education isn't helpful or important, but it's kind of a scam how they sell degrees to young people. Education is a tool but it's not a necessity. It's hard to see things like this when you're younger but you shouldn't allow schools to define your self worth.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@EddieAllenPoe I guess I'm just disappointed because I destroyed a lot of myself to get into a course at a very prestigious place. I wanted the loan I would take out to be for something valuable, so I worked really hard and I've lost a lot in the process. It was in the 5 "best" universities in my country.

I just posted a thing venting which is also related. It's more the loss that I've experienced culminating in a complete apathy and lack of interest in doing anything that makes me want to ctb.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

@Walilamdzi Well I don't think it's a reason to CTB. That's my opinion. You have to grant the fact that I'm on the same site as you pondering doing the same things. Life is full of bullshit. If I actually killed myself ten years ago I would have missed out on a few cool things. I've been through divorce and a few failed relationships. Piled on some more debt. Been in the psych ward a few times. Lost a few jobs. Became practically homeless. Was all that bullshit worth living? It's debatable. But from my perspective, I wouldn't make wanting to CTB be for a simple reason... like not getting into a college. Or breaking up. I know for a fact you can live through it and you may actually miss out on some cool stuff if you die.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@EddieAllenPoe I value your opinion on that, a lot of people have said the same... but I've also been hospitalised a number of times recently, for entire months / multiple months, don't have any friends who stood by me during that, family view me differently since I went through a psychotic episode. Haven't had a day since then where there hasn't been a mention of "mental health" or doctors appointments, blood tests, something hospital-related. Been out of control, unaware of being in public, "dancing" in the middle of a train station then the police getting involved. It's very perturbing to have no control over your body and behave in a way that is so alien from anything you would consciously do.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

@Walilamdzi Oh, I understand. So I actually have bipolar... but... for several years I've managed it pretty well. I didn't have many dramatic highs or lows. I recently had a manic episode where I completely lost touch with reality and thought God was talking to me through YouTube. It caused me to lose my job.

I ended up going to the psych ward, got an antipsychotic injected... BAM... I'm back to normal and realizing I've completely lost my mind. It's truly weird feeling completely normal and remembering that you were acting and thinking crazy.

BUT... What's funny is the older I get the more I come to see that I'm actually surrounded by people who are just as crazy, if not more crazy, than me. Mental illness is not that uncommon. The human race can be kind of kooky. Believe it or not, even BEING CRAZY is not the end of the world.

For what it's worth too, I actually know quite a few people with bipolar who are successful.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@EddieAllenPoe That's also what they diagnosed me with. I've always been quite sensitive, but nothing remotely near to mania until a few things happened. Didn't have much structure for a year, it was time to start moving towards adulthood and having my own life, hormones raging and became infatuated with someone who took advantage of me and tried cannabis with people I didn't know well. I went from never smoking to smoking weed (maybe mixed with something, as I said I didn't know the people well) most days for 4 months and ended up thinking that shop signs/signposts were messages for me, that my discovery Spotify playlist could direct me where to go... I thought everything had a hidden, double meaning. I "got a sign" that someone was throwing a party for me and decided to get a cab into the middle of my town dressed in a prom dress. There was no party... I've had something that was mistaken for an episode since, and one other full blown mania. But both caused by specific things, but I then refused meds and was stable for a year after leaving hospital.

More recently I thought I was in some kind of movie that was being shot on secret drones, that everything was a set (buildings etc)... I accidentally took a... idk what you call it, but a bike pulling a cart. I jumped in one of those, with no money and said "take me to the busy part of the city! where everything is going on!" and the dude took me somewhere random, at which point I jumped off and ran into the night, alone with no idea where I was. I got followed by some man for about 15 mins but was basically being very weird dancing in the street. Then I somehow got in another cab, somehow managed to get back somewhere without any money. It must have been obvious that I didn't know what I was doing. I have no idea how I'm alive.

Why do you want to go to university so badly?

We all have our reasons for wanting to ctb, and it depends on the individual psychological pressure. For me personally this alone wouldn't be a reason to commit suicide.

I'm hoping it would allow me to work in something which I am both skilled in and enjoy. I want to study languages then teach.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

@Walilamdzi Oh yeah. I completely know what you just went through... it was a lot like what I experienced. I think it's called psychosis. It doesn't help when you're messing your brain up with other substances like weed. I only say that because I know it's true from experience and had to learn to give up the "fun stuff". You actually have to be careful too what the psychiatrist gives you... I've learned that the hard way. When I was younger I was a huge mess and psychiatrists were making it worse for me by giving me benzodiazipenes, lithium... It's kind of sad to say but I think psychiatrists can hurt people more than they help sometimes. In retrospect, for me, the most helpful medicine I was ever given was an antipsychotic for a mood stabilizer. I managed most of the time by just being sober.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU. Psychosis can be kind of fun. Scary? Yeah, obviously. Especially when you regain your mind and realize you were acting like an idiot. But I thought the world was absolutely MAGICAL when I was going through mania.

I was actually convinced that there were "secrets" in public advertising and coupons that allowed me to "unlock" free stuff. It was kind of similar to feeling like you were in a movie, but I was convinced I was living in a video game. I was actually convinced that I could "unlock" free food and money and stuff like I was living in a game. The crazy part? I actually did score a lot of free food in restaurants. But that was only because the people working thought I was funny and charming. I don't think they realized I had lost touch with reality.

 

[Walilamdzi]

@EddieAllenPoe Yeah, it was a sort of psychotic mania. Did you have a bad experience with lithium? I think if I can completely avoid cannabis, avoid drinking I'll be fine without medication. I have an aim to get back into shape and try to exercise again, but I don't have any energy currently. They put me on lithium, but I don't want to have constant blood tests. They seem to always want me to have seroquel, but I hate that. Because I refused lithium the second time, they put me on carbamazepine, but I don't think those do anything. I just stopped taking everything and I've been very low, but I think that's due to everything that's happened...

That's true. It's hard that other people don't understand it. I've found that some people I used to consider friends view everything like that story "Boy Who Cried Wolf" as in if anything odd happens to me, they think I'm imagining it. It is strange what happens during mania! One time, I decided to run around delivering books I thought my friends would like through their doors... I went four days without sleeping and was having a bizarre experience. Didn't help that everything was to a very high energy soundtrack, I was going everywhere with my headphones.

That's fascinating, must have been surreal! People found me charming too, which exacerbated my grandiosity and lead to weirder and weirder situations. When I first experienced psychosis, I was visiting this lover and ended up psychotic for a number of days. He took me to an airport and I thought I could either choose to go to a city, or if I got on a different flight, I would fly to space in a rocket ship. I got seized by the security and thought I was in a game, because... idk the guards were all uniformed, and I thought I had to fight my way out, like a boss in a video game. That didn't work! They sedated me..

It's really helpful hearing from someone who shares these experiences. I can see a lot of similarities in what you've articulated.

 

[EddieAllenPoe]

@Walilamdzi Lithium made me feel worse. But... it's honestly not a once size fits all thing. It's just trial and error. I do think some obvious things that help is giving up "substance abuse". Weed, alcohol, other drugs... they don't help. This is hard for a lot of people at first... Especially when you're young and you want to party. It's tempting to want to get high or drunk but you have to remember your brain is fragile.

I actually did a terrible job of avoiding alcohol for several years... I was a workaholic and I used alcohol to cope with anxiety. It's a terrible trap to fall into. I was using alcohol to self-medicate and I'm pretty sure it contributed to my latest bipolar mania. I was also isolated a lot and I don't think modern technology helps. My only real social interaction came from my phone and the only people I "knew" were on YouTube. This is sadly common... It's weird seeing people hang out in public with their eyes glued to their cellphone. I don't think people were designed to be "social" with their phones. I think it contributes to mental illness.

Anyways. When I was younger? I did more than just drink... I was absolutely out of my mind because I was smoking weed, popping pills, and abusing other substances. It's just stupid. I was also highly intelligent, so I appeared to be "functional" but I was really a trainwreck waiting to happen.

As far as psychiatric drugs? I don't want to say that all psychiatric medications are "bad" but I kind of suspect... most of the time... most people don't need them. There just might be certain times when they're helpful. I'm not a psychiatrist, but... I also don't think you should blindly trust doctors. They are only human and don't know everything. That doctor who recently gave me antipsychotics? That dude knew what he was doing. But let me tell you... MOST OF THE TIME... I've had several doctors fuck up my life with medicine they gave me and they didn't care... it was just a paycheck to them. So you do HAVE to be skeptical and learn about the medicines they give you and how they affect you.

If you're having a psychotic episode and don't know it? Sadly you just have to trust the doctors when you're in the psych ward. That's just how it goes.

I think there is a lot of value in learning to just "live healthy" too. Get a good sleep schedule. Try to eat healthy. Psychosis is very real and not everyone understands it. I don't think it means you are somehow broken. I've learned that most people have mental "quirks" that would manifest as absolutely batshit crazy behavior given the right conditions. You're not an oddball. Trust me, mental illness is more common than most people realize.