Do you still enjoy any part of your life?

[justlookinforanswers]

Do you guys literally spend all day thinking about/mentally preparing to CTB? Or do you find yourself distracted by certain aspects of your life (maybe temporarily not having the desire to CTB in those moments?)

 

[HappyForever?]

Yes. Having fun with friends, playing video games, browsing Reddit and SaSu mindlessly. As long as I'm not reminded of my undesirability I feel okay. But when it hits me I start contemplating CTBing.

 

[toasterbath]

most of my day im crippled with deep depression wanting to CTB but feeling too tired and drained of life to collect all the materials. and for part of the day i do try to just distract myself with food, youtube, online forums and what not. i get a sense of calmness knowing i won't be around for much longer that my time here is limited and there's no more expectations for myself.

 

[protocorpse]

i like music a lot. and petting cats and eating ice cream with a flavor chunks in it

 

[houseofleaves]

i don't think about CTBing at all, i just know that i'll do it. i've got my SN kit ready and i know that when i want to use it, i'll use it.

 

[FML_]

It goes up and down for me. Now that I'm free from school for the summer I can finally spend my time doing what I feel like. It feels good in the moment, but no matter how much I try to distract myself, I will always eventually get confronted with reality again. Literally the smallest most unrelated things will remind me of why I want to CTB in the first place.

 

[AloneInCollege]

I'm definitely distracted by some aspects of my life, I'm not sure if I enjoy them though.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I'm not actively thinking about suicide 24/7, but the thought is always in there, somewhere. I know this because of how easily it creeps into my consciousness when I'm not distracted.

While I'm working or watching a TV show, I can think of other things. But I would say the desire to ctb is a primary mindset for me.

 

[Painless_end]

No

 

[pleasehelpme]

No, I don't, I just keep thinking about death and that's it...

 

[LifeIsRekt]

If you want to keep going but still having a hard time, you have to find ways to distract yourself and keep your mind busy. Life always creeps up on us so I keep the demons away by talking with friends and family, playing video games, physical exercise and cooking a good meal!

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I'm not sure I would use the word enjoy… But in the evening I don't feel so bad but I'm laying in bed and it's dark outside… Or when I'm eating something delicious… That's about it

 

[☆AwaitingEntropy☆]

I think about it a lot. When something bad happens, "well, at least I can ctb." When something good happens, "oops, this is probably one of the last times this'll happen to me since I'm dying hopefully soon."

Honestly, it can be difficult. I'm on new meds and for the time being they've helped some of my depression a bit, so there are things in life that excite me. I love writing and drawing. I love my friends and family. I love it when it rains or when I wake up well rested from a nap. I enjoy daydreaming about vacations with friends... Ones that I'm certain I'll never see. Because, in spite of these genuine joys, I still want to die.

I almost cried tonight because my friend said when she buys a house in a few years, I could live with her. I laughed and talked about painting my room. But in reality, if things go as I've planned, I won't last that long. And, as much of a relief as that will be...it still hurts, sometimes. A part of me misses the life I'll never live.

 

[eternalflame]

Unfortunately only eating, internet and masturbation so i don't really have perspectives.

 

[Hope:-)]

No

 

[swab]

Trying to keep myself distracted with games, videos/shows, talking to people online and fantasizing about a better me with a better life. So basically trying to not be away from real life as long as possible until I suddenly realize I can't escape from it and think about cbt again.

 

[8evergo]

Not enymore

 

[Portor25]

No matter what I do I just think I don't want to be here I just want to go and take the chance I be with my wife again

Only thing that stopping me at the moment is insurance suicide Claues don't become active for 10 months need to make sure my kids are taken care of and my brother has enough money to get a bigger place for them.

I am actively try to destroy my body I don't eat or take care of my self if I have a heart attack or die natural or accidentally before the 10 months my family will get paid out.

 

[FuneralCry]

Not at all. All that I think about is dying. Living could never be an enjoyable experience at all, every second of my life is suffering. It is unfair how it is so difficult to leave. Life is extremely cruel and horrifying and the best thing I could possibly do is leave this world as soon as possible. As long as I am alive there is the chance that things could get so much worse. I see consciousness as being a form of torture.

 

[london3]

Most of the small joys in my life such as food, music etc are severely dulled by the overwhelming anxiety and depression. Distracting myself does help to some degree but i know it is just temporary relief and i will eventual return to my default state.

 

[outrider567]

Do you guys literally spend all day thinking about/mentally preparing to CTB? Or do you find yourself distracted by certain aspects of your life (maybe temporarily not having the desire to CTB in those moments?)

Preparing? Been prepared since April 9th when I finally got my filled Nitrogen Tank----Otherwise minor distractions mean little when the CTB desire trumps all else--Only time I feel like i exist is when I eat and when I take a shower and when I'm exercising--Otherwise I'm in a blue haze funk punctuated by occasional teary eyes

 

[Klophy]

I'm constantly fantasizing/dreaming about a better life, i also try to distract myself with other forms of media (TV, movies, books, music) though that no longer works as well.

 

[Rogue]

Do you guys literally spend all day thinking about/mentally preparing to CTB? Or do you find yourself distracted by certain aspects of your life (maybe temporarily not having the desire to CTB in those moments?)

I still enjoy my coffee

 

[Messgram]

Not at all. All that I think about is dying. Living could never be an enjoyable experience at all, every second of my life is suffering. It is unfair how it is so difficult to leave. Life is extremely cruel and horrifying and the best thing I could possibly do is leave this world as soon as possible. As long as I am alive there is the chance that things could get so much worse. I see consciousness as being a form of torture.

if you hate everything about life why/How are you still here? Before you talk about SI, come on, even that has limits. It seems quite contradictory to me not being able to experience any pleasure and having an extremely nihilistic philosophy like yours and yet not ctb.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I don't enjoy anything. imo any food or other "pleasure" is just bait. If I take the bait then At any moment I could fall into a nightmare of constant unending unbearable pain/suffering/torture : that is the trap of life bait and switch imo

For example for me is watching that youTube video worth a brain stroke, homelessness or cancer? No

 

[FuneralCry]

if you hate everything about life why/How are you still here? Before you talk about SI, come on, even that has limits. It seems quite contradictory to me not being able to experience any pleasure and having an extremely nihilistic philosophy like yours and yet not ctb.

It is because I have limited access to methods and I have the fear of failing ctb, so I just try to pass the time each day and one of the ways that I pass the time is posting about how much I dislike living. Dying really is so difficult and I think that the fear of many on here is ending up in a worse condition after attempting. If it really was easier to leave, I would already be gone.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Only the parts where I'm distracted from thinking about my life and focused on the lives of fictional characters in shows, movies, or sometimes PC games/video games where things seem more hopeful than they do in reality. Maybe there's still a part of me that wants there to be a reason to live, and that's probably why I get so invested in those things.

 

[sourokraandfish]

On my "hyper" days, I read, go to the gym, study at a cafe from day to night, and plan a shit ton of other things, On really bad episodes, I just sleep, eat, mindlessly consume media, and resume planning my CBT plan.

I wouldn't say anything I do to cope or distract make me feel better or "happy". Honestly, I've forgotten what true happiness feels like. Thoughts of hopelessness, hating myself, self-mutilating, CBT, and all that sort are always still there. Some days are just more intense than others.

The only thing that makes me feel somewhat at ease is hanging out with my friends. And it is also contingent on what I feel like at the time. Most of the time, I feel too ashamed of myself to go out. But I went to dinner with my friend yesterday. I was able to let myself loose and be temporarily distracted from the usually nagging feeling of emptiness and despair. I genuinely enjoyed our conversation. It made me realize how much I love her and remind me of the happy times we used to have together (something I consciously know but do not feel on a daily basis because I kinda feel numb towards affection nowadays)

Sitting behind her on her Vespa, and feeling the chilly wind hitting my face made me feel at peace for the first time in a long time. It is during these fleeting moments I think to myself maybe life is not so bad after all.

 

[Messgram]

Dying really is so difficult and I think that the fear of many on here is ending up in a worse condition after attempting. If it really was easier to leave, I would already be gone.

I'm sure these people still experience pleasure, and that's one of the reasons they don't ctb.
But you take it to the extreme. Someone like you who experiences only suffering and sees no meaning in anything at all is contradictory to stay alive because of fear.

 

[Bandinho]

No,i just keep thinking about death. There nothing else left what i makes me happy in this life.