Do you remember a time where you didn't want to CTB? What was different then?

[JadedBeing]

My parents divorced when i was 13. Before that i was the happiest little shit.
When i was 20 i was in my first relationship. I was truly happy for like 3 months and didn't want to CTB. Then when i met my second gf i was happy too for some time but still suicdidal.

Overall i wanted to Die 85% of my life. What a fucking joke. So many years of suffering. Just a waste. It's just sad. If i just died on my first attempt when i was 18 it really would have been a good thing. I wouldn't have to suffer everyday for the next 10 years.

 

[vitbar]

For me it comes and goes. Nothing else is substantially different beyond the depression and related thoughts, feelings, and behaviours.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I was a little kid and didn't know that all my hopes and dreams would be ripped away or destroyed.

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

When I look at my old photos, it's like looking at a completely different person. Back then, I thought it would never ever come to my mind to even think about hurting myself. I can't pinpoint where it all 'flipped'. The change was gradual, but it was devastating.

 

[darksouls]

strangely I never had suicidal thoughts as a child even though I was severely abused and felt very bad.
I always wished to be invisible

 

[Custos]

I was on the blue pill.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was 10 when I first started having them. For me, there's a before and after a (suspected) narcissist's bullying.

It was a mixed childhood before really. There were happy times. I was lucky to have received love. But, also a lot of bereavement/ loss. Three close family members had died by the time I was 10. I also already had social anxiety before then too. I can remember being worried and unhappy. Just not enough to be suicidal yet I guess.

I've never thought about working out the percentage of my life I've been suicidal... For me, it's 78%. I hope you don't mind if I steal the idea for a new thread. I think it's interesting.

 

[Pluto]

 

[avalokitesvara]

I used to have glimpses of light, love, connexion, expansion, deep spiritual joy. Brief and fleeting but they happened. When that was possible, I believed in life, the universe, and myself. Since they've gone away, I've lost my faith in those things. I am nothing, the world is empty, god is gone, love is a myth I used to hear about, the universe is unyielding indifference, the future holds nothing, and I'm unable to feel joy or pleasure.

I've accepted I will always be suicidal now, so it's just about getting through each day until circumstances align to allow me to go.

 

[itsgone2]

I have stretches where the thought was distant. Mostly with job security. Generally I've always wanted life over with but job loss brings actual attempts.

 

[FuneralCry]

No, I'd never wish for something as futile and torturous as existence, to me existence will always feel like a mistake, all I want is to be gone, I just want to never suffer again, for me non-existence is just all that's positive and desirable and more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed.

I find it the most terrible tragedy how this existence was imposed causing all this harm, cruelty and suffering as a result, existence to me will always be an abomination and I find it so deeply undesirable to exist in every way possible, I find it so horrible and dreadful how a human can suffer for decades longer with no limit as to how much they can be tortured just to die in agony from old age.

 

[Defatigatis]

Yes, when i was younger and ignorant. In my head the world was a much better place.

 

[Forveleth]

Life hut me in middle school. I had been sheltered my entire childhood. I was also told the usual bullshit of being nice is rewarding and people are helpful and generally good. Then in middle school, I stopped fitting in with my peers. I found out trying does not always get you what you want and that people are assholes. School also started getting challenging to me, something I had not yet experienced. This lead me to fall into depression. My depression was then compounded by unsupportive parents despite them having been very loving up until that point.

It was the trauma of the end of my childhood innocence that brought on my depression and, thanks to getting zero support for it from those closest to me, it has deepened ever since.