Do you ever wonder how you made it this far?

[Lost Magic]

Do you ever say to yourself, how on earth have I managed to endure all these decades? If it wasn't for survival instinct and my mother (she's gone now) then I would have tried to end it years ago. And then Society has its standards of success and failure. Then I guess, I failed then. You want to try and save me from the crimes you committed against me by locking me up or throwing pills down my throat to keep my quiet? No chance! I'll go out on my own terms. I would rather die a good death than continue to live a miserable existence.

 

[Hope:-)]

Recently I have wondered, yes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know exactly why I am still here, it's because suicide is difficult for me personally. I fear failing the method and in general, I have limited access to methods so I just continue to exist. If suicide is easier then I would already be gone. I think that if suicide is easy then there would be no endless method discussions on here. I do feel like I have been alive for far too long even know I am only 21. It's unfair how we live in a world that tries to force us to suffer until we die of old age. Existing really is so tiring.

 

[Poor Stargazer]

Everyday my friend.

 

[lessonlearned]

yes

 

[Lost Magic]

I know exactly why I am still here, it's because suicide is difficult for me personally. I fear failing the method and in general, I have limited access to methods so I just continue to exist. If suicide is easier then I would already be gone. I think that if suicide is easy then there would be no endless method discussions on here. I do feel like I have been alive for far too long even know I am only 21. It's unfair how we live in a world that tries to force us to suffer until we die of old age. Existing really is so tiring.

Damn, 21. You are still so young. I remember having so many hopes and dreams back then despite having mental issues. Sadly, those dreams are mostly shattered. Everybody's path is different though. I guess, mines was just meant to be the grim one.

 

[y'ffre]

It's surprising but I know the answer. I still fear death like Jack Sparrow :)

 

[Euthanza]

Same story with mother.
So how do I manage still breathing? Just wasting my time and often gets myself into trouble, that's all I ever do and gonna do until the time feels right for me. I'm an useless eater

 

[rationaltake]

Yes. I'm also wondering why?? I made it this far.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Great topic. I'm frequently wondering about this. It's probably the idea of not hurting your family, and the difficult process of going to the other side. When there's nothing left to lose, no speck of sanity left, then the obvious must be carried out.

 

[noname223]

When I was younger I thought committing suicide was way easier.
And I would have never believed that I could endure the hell which I am going through.

I thought when something horrible happens (I had kind of the feeling that something might happen) I could simply kill myself.
But this was just a stupid myth about suicide. My mom told me when I was pretty young one could simply kill oneself by taking some random medication. And in the media for example fictional series they depicted it in a similar way. If it was that easy I would be already dead a long time ago.

But if this shit repeats which will likely happen I cannot endure this once again. I have reached my limits.

 

[Forever Sleep]

When I was younger I thought committing suicide was way easier.
And I would have never believed that I could endure the hell which I am going through.

I thought when something horrible happens (I had kind of the feeling that something might happen) I could simply kill myself.
But this was just a stupid myth about suicide. My mom told me when I was pretty young one could simply kill oneself by taking some random medication. And in the media for example fictional series they depicted it in a similar way. If it was that easy I would be already dead a long time ago.

But if this shit repeats which will likely happen I cannot endure this once again. I have reached my limits.

I thought this too- that you could just take a bottle full of pills and drift away. Think it was partly informed by celebrity suicides/accidental deaths like Marilyn Monroe and Elvis. It's not till you're older that you find out what type of drugs these are and how difficult it is to obtain them. Also wonder if their constituencies have been changed to make them less lethal if overdosed on.

Sort of still feel like there are things our there that kill quickly and maybe painlessly- there have been the odd serial killer psycho doctor/nurse that have killed their patients. It's just that we can't get our hands on them.

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

 

[Hystearical]

Yes. But that's inertia for you. If a ball rolls down a very long slope it's not going to stop rolling until something stops it. Similarly I may not have wanted or expected to make it to this age but since I didn't do anything it was inevitable with time.

 

[HelloIMustBeGoing]

I wonder this all the time. Since I was 15 a day has not gone by where I haven't thought about, planned and dreamed about when I can finally kill myself. Every night when I go to bed I think about drinking the SN or putting my head in a noose as a way to make me relaxed and at peace so I can fall asleep. Sometimes it feels like events conspire to prevent me from going through with it. The guilt of doing this to a parent that was disabled and alone was too much for me. I decided to just hold on until she died ... I had no idea that would be 30 years time. A week before she died, a stray cat started following me around on a walk and I assumed she would be chipped and I would find her owner ... so I took her home. Turns out she had no owner and I fell in love with this kitty and now I cannot imagine killing myself while she is alive. So here I am, age 57 ... still alive ... mostly miserable every day of my life and living like I am doing a prison sentence. But someday the time will finally be right.

 

[Hurt]

I think it's a miracle that I'm still alive. Life is so hard..

 

[NeverEndingPain]

I see a lot of your posts and never thought you were only 21.
It's weird only seeing posts and trying to picture who's at the other end writing it.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I made it here by financial subsidy and fooling enough people along the way… But reality has a way of catching up with you

 

[Lily (Osako)]

Constantly. There are definite circumstances and situations where I shouldn't have survived, not even including the suicide attempts when I was younger.
Life is weird.

 

[again_noidea]

I wonder this all the time. Since I was 15 a day has not gone by where I haven't thought about, planned and dreamed about when I can finally kill myself. Every night when I go to bed I think about drinking the SN or putting my head in a noose as a way to make me relaxed and at peace so I can fall asleep. Sometimes it feels like events conspire to prevent me from going through with it. The guilt of doing this to a parent that was disabled and alone was too much for me. I decided to just hold on until she died ... I had no idea that would be 30 years time. A week before she died, a stray cat started following me around on a walk and I assumed she would be chipped and I would find her owner ... so I took her home. Turns out she had no owner and I fell in love with this kitty and now I cannot imagine killing myself while she is alive. So here I am, age 57 ... still alive ... mostly miserable every day of my life and living like I am doing a prison sentence. But someday the time will finally be right.

i'm 40 now, and i'm afraid that ill be 60 and still alive. However, the older i get, the more realistic it seems to just "wait it out" because you somehow get used to the sadness, the pain and the surrealism of life, you just truck on because you are not shocked anymore by the pain... i can imagine that there is a point where you just say "well, lets see how far i can go with this shit" of course, severe sickness would help me quickly to end it, but who knows. I'm at a point, where i truly don't know if i hang myself next week or if i keep going, i just don't know, it almost seems as if there is no real difference. i know, objectively, there is i huge difference, but subjectively it feels as if it doesn't matter that much. it is probably just a phase and i'll be more motivated in due time.