Do you ever visualise how you will do it?

[Anonperson1]

I feel like when it happens it will be something spontaneous, not planned, no note, no messages. I dream about it now, and visualise it when I'm awake. I grab the captive bolt from my left, load a round from my bedside drawer on my right, pull the handle out and lock it in position, lie down, place the stunner just behind my ear, line it up with the brainstem and pull the release. Darkness.

 

[hamvil]

I do picture me jumping yes. I try to imagine how much time it would take to hit bottom. Would I be able to say a word? It is hard to get guns here, both I wonder if that would make things easier. I get panic attacks often. Last week I had a major break down because of an argument with my boss. If I had a gun maybe I would have shot myself.

 

[jodes2]

I visualise it every day! I wonder if I'm actually ready to do it, it's frustrating. Do you think you'll do it?

 

[ManicPanic2018]

I can picture how I want my room to be when I take SN. Laying on my bed which has fairy lights wrapped around the bedframe. Nice coloured lights on, laying on my comfy bed and under my favourite blanket. Going out peacefully on my own terms.

 

[Hollowillow]

I do picture me jumping yes. I try to imagine how much time it would take to hit bottom. Would I be able to say a word? It is hard to get guns here, both I wonder if that would make things easier. I get panic attacks often. Last week I had a major break down because of an argument with my boss. If I had a gun maybe I would have shot myself.

You're a jumper? Rare. Oh that's why you're a bunny. So depressingly clever and adorable I like it *hugs*

I feel like when it happens it will be something spontaneous, not planned, no note, no messages. I dream about it now, and visualise it when I'm awake. I grab the captive bolt from my left, load a round from my bedside drawer on my right, pull the handle out and lock it in position, lie down, place the stunner just behind my ear, line it up with the brainstem and pull the release. Darkness.

I visualuze hanging... And a weird metal whip with blades like claws on each sides. I swing my arm, wrap it around my neck, pull, and open the red river.

 

[hamvil]

You're a jumper? Rare. Oh that's why you're a bunny. So depressingly clever and adorable I like it *hugs*

I visualuze hanging... And a weird metal whip with blades like claws on each sides. I swing my arm, wrap it around my neck, pull, and open the red river.

LOL, well so far was the only method that came to my mind and that was available. Used to live in a tall building and visited the terrace often in the evening, once even with another person with me.

Ah, I also visualise doing it in a place like pegaos. I imagine having a beer with two sort of friends the day before.Saying goodbye. The day after in the bed turning the thingy that opens the poison. Would love to have a certain person there with me but she would not come. I am sort of romantic so I would like to listen to a nice music while a go.

 

[Anonperson1]

I visualise it every day! I wonder if I'm actually ready to do it, it's frustrating. Do you think you'll do it?

When I OD'd at uni it was spontaneous; I just chugged two bottles of Temazapam and after 20 min got nervous and told a housemate. It's one of the reasons I kept the captive bolt at work, to prevent something 'all of a sudden', but now I have no job and no future, I don't care about the preventative measurres.

 

[jodes2]

When I OD'd at uni it was spontaneous; I just chugged two bottles of Temazapam and after 20 min got nervous and told a housemate. It's one of the reasons I kept the captive bolt at work, to prevent something 'all of a sudden', but now I have no job and no future, I don't care about the preventative measurres.

You could get another job? If the idea of staying alive has any appeal?

 

[FuneralCry]

When I start to think about the more easily accessible methods I imagine all the ways that ctb can go wrong and this thought just causes me to suffer more. I think about trying to drown and how awful that would be and how the SI would kick in, preventing me from going through with it. However, I do imagine and think about how relieved I would be if I had N, I visualise peacefully passing away, falling into an deep dreamless sleep where I will finally be free from this prison that is existence.

 

[Anonperson1]

You could get another job? If the idea of staying alive has any appeal?

I live and work in a country where I don't speak the national language. I left my home country in 2008. Due to the nature of my job, opertunities are limited, and dependent on confidential references from former employers which I won't get due to an abusive boss.
I was earning ok money, but nothing else here will allow me to pay my mortgage and live ok. I'm nearly 40 and won't be able to retire...one day I'll be done.

you know, I spent years on the road to move back here eventually, and now I'm here, the dream became a nightmare. A doctor gave me Xanex last week....it's the first time in years I've actually been chilled.

 

[Hollowman]

I have aphantasia I can't visualize anything.

 

[hellispink]

I always fantasize about drowning in water, hanging myself with my hair falling down long and beautifully, jumping off to set myself free, cutting myself and I also imagine myself in bed lying dead beautifully dressed in black waiting to get cremated.

 

[AnxietyHangover]

Yes, I do visualize myself lying in bed, arms wide open, after I took the poison. Then closing my eyes and waiting for the inevitable to happen... Suddenly feeling very sleepy, then falling unconscious... I dream often about this. Also, my sleep is so deep that I think I know how it would feel to pass into nonexistence. Right now, I'm at my final attempt to "salvage" my life, if it fails then I'll leave all fright behind and order the SN since the other more humane ways to die are way too out of reach.

 

[atdeathsdoor]

I 100% wonna go but to scared to do it....my survival instincts are the only thing holding me back!!

 

[Tired_again]

I consider myself a coward when it comes to ctb. I have never attempted cause it is just scary to me. All the unknowns of what's after death although I heavily lean to after death to be the same as it was before I was born. nothing. I also feel like I wouldn't go through with it as my depression is inconsistent many times. I also don't want to leave my body too mutilated for my family's sake. I've opted to go for gunshot to the head as its instant and I likely wont be hospitalized or suffer much pain and a mortician can likely fix the damage for a funeral. and so I can do it anywhere I want. I want to spend my last day just hiking and reaching the top of a mountain at a national park somewhere with a great view over the mountains. I want to listen to Money Trees by Lamar and do it at my favorite part of the song.

I have no idea if this is what what will really happen as there are lots of steps but I just want to be happy in my final moments. I guess that's all I wanted all along. To be at ease.

I have aphantasia I can't visualize anything.

Just searched up what that was and its quite insane to think about

 

[Sick of it all]

I spend a lot of time visualizing my end. I take each method I'm interested in and run all the possible scenarios through my head.

 

[AloeGarten]

i always picture the process, how itd feel to die, how people would find out and react. its kinda scary when you actually think about it, actually experiencing the feeling of your heart slowing down, slipping out of consciousness knowing itll be the last time youll ever be awake. my plan is SN+heroin (+benzos and alcohol) so hopefully the anxiety wont be present, itll just be bliss until i fall alseep. its kinda interesting how, even when suicidal and seriously wanting to die, the survival instinct is still somewhat present, making us fear death

 

[Capsaicin78]

Picturing it everyday. Still unable to decide :(

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I spend a lot of time visualizing my end. I take each method I'm interested in and run all the possible scenarios through my head.

I do the same thing, usually when I'm lying in bed after I wake up in the morning... sad that I'm awake and have to face another day. I lie there playing all of the scenarios over and over again until I finally convince myself to get up and deal with life for at least one more day.

 

[Sick of it all]

I do the same thing, usually when I'm lying in bed after I wake up in the morning... sad that I'm awake and have to face another day. I lie there playing all of the scenarios over and over again until I finally convince myself to get up and deal with life for at least one more day.

Yea it occupies my thoughts almost constantly. The only relief I get is my dreams when I sleep. But when I'm awake I always have it going on in the back of my head. I just broke a glass on accident and I've been staring at it, wanting to grab a shard and start going for my arteries. I also constantly think of my shotgun in my closet. Walk 5 feet, take it out of the case, load it and boom, it's over. Stupid SI always keeps kicking in. I wish I had an easier way to do it. I envy those who have N or a gas setup. Quick and painless, not to mention not messy like a shotgun.

 

[cordolium]

its all i think about anymore. but then i picture my parents finding me and everyone being heartbroken. its a hard decision

 

[sprinkles]

I feel like most of my thoughts nowadays involve playing the scenario out in my head, putting the barrel of my shotgun in my mouth, pulling the trigger and hopefully obliterating my brainstem. But I also picture myself waking up soon after in the hospital to "What a miracle, you survived! Unfortunately you're now paralyzed from the neck down"

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I visualize on a daily basis how I am going to ctb, with the hope that when the time comes, it will be so second nature to me, that any SI will be nonexistent.

 

[makethepainstop]

Think about it?! Yes several times each day. How ever as I don't know how I'd explain rubbing my hands and cackling with glee. Would be hard to explain....

 

[Hope:-)]

Sometimes I visualise how I will deal with the pain.

 

[sadstuffie]

i like to imagine that I'll either slowly drift off in my bed while suffocating or...maybe I'll have a bad reaction or something & I'll fall from my bed & start shaking & it will be terrible oh gosh. i also sometimes imagine that maybe i could be on the phone with someone im close to while i do it because idk might be comforting to share those moments, maybe not who knows.

 

[scenery]

Yes, every single day and night. I don't even remember exactly when this started, but it was definitely before 2015. There used to be a time I prayed every night before bed, asking to die in my sleep. Every morning, I would be in a state of despair until I put back my mask on and pretended everything was fine.
I also have several nights of tears thinking about how my final act would affect my family and peers. I try not to imagine it… This is the one thing I need to put myself first. But it's also the only thing holding me back.

 

[Jimblue]

I am just doing my checking list at movement. I will choose OD, I want to get N if it's possible. I am still searching. If I can not get N, other pills will do like P and C. I think I just need to take lots of them.

And I have calculated how much money I need to CTB, travelling cost, hotel fees is not going to be cheap.

I do have the pics in my mind now. My idea last day will be have a nice meal, have few nice drink, then go back to hotel and take pill before bed. I will leave a note and my ID on the table. Telling people please don't rescue me if I have been found earlier than expected. And further investigation is unnecessary and I would like to thank you all the people who supported me with my illness. And it's entire my personal choose, please don't blame anyone else. And I truly apologise for the inconvenience that I caused for hotel hosts.

 

[Maravillosa]

Yes, oh yes. I have an elaborate suicide fantasy/plan. Just before a landmark birthday of mine (60, 65, 70) after my mother is dead and my novel is published, I would like to go to a lovely resort hotel on the beach and enjoy myself for a couple of days. I would have had my hair cut and styled, my eyebrows threaded, my nails manicured and pedicured, and so on — I would make sure I was all dolled up. On the morning of my birthday, I would dress prettily, put on some makeup, wear an adult diaper under my dress, and hang myself in the bathroom (to make it less messy). It would probably be a partial hanging unless I could find someplace to hang myself by full suspension. I would leave a sizable tip for the maids, who would discover my carcass a few hours after my death. Of course, I would have written several suicide notes (I think I would use the line "Please try to be happy for me since this is something I have wanted to do for a very long time"). I would want to have a Catholic funeral Mass. I would not want the ligature mark on my neck disguised by makeup or hidden by a scarf (Iet them know I hanged myself!). They would bury my ashes in a columbarium in a Catholic cemetery, and I would have a nice grave marker.

Of course, I don't intend to carry it out yet, but it is strangely consoling to imagine it. May God forgive me for all this.

 

[LivideLamb]

It's quite a comforting thought for me. I'm a control freak and visualizing all of it helps me plan it even better. But overall, it's somehow a very comforting thoughts/ visualization process. I mostly imagine myself taking the car on a very late-night drive, listening to a special playlist I would craft for the occasion, and ending my days one way or the other. I wanna go out in a big boom.