Do you ctb constantly in your mind?

[Beachedwhale]

I am constantly playing out in my mind how I will ctb. Its like a video of my method on repeat constantly. Beachy head constantly in my mind and sometimes drinking SN. It gives me relief and it's completely taken over. Everything around and inside me triggers me and the thought of ctb is always at hand to provide relief. I am exhausted and feel trapped. I feel that I am coming closer and closer to the end, but I cant quite get there due to the prospect of salvaging a life. I am an asymptote.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yess, I've already ctb mentally thousands of times lol.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

Yes. Not my method, though. I usually visualize placing a revolver in my mouth and pulling the trigger or jumping from height and hitting the ground. My method is partial hanging, I only visualize this one when I'm really triggered.

 

[ExhaustedExistence]

Hell yeah! I always think about ctb by every possible method. Unfortunately I'm successful only in my mind.

 

[Freakazette]

It goes something along that famous song:

"Every breath you take, every move you make,
Every single day, every word you say."

....

 

[Meditation guide]

Yes all the time.

 

[BlankUser]

Yes I do it, not constantly though. Maybe few times a week. But it doesn't give me relief, it makes me scared and anxious. Because I don't know how well it will go.

 

[Pookie]

When I'm in a bad pain flare I constantly imagine jumping out of my window. But the window isn't high enough to ensure instant death.

 

[BloodyNobody]

YES 24/7! it comes natural at this point, there's just no controlling it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Yeah, I think about death and dying pretty much all the time. I even have dreamt about it. In my mind I have died by every possible method. It gives me relief really, knowing that there is always ways out, even know it may be hard to die. We are not trapped in this existence.

 

[Symbiote]

I always fantasize going full speed into a bridge pillar or electric pole when I start driving. Having my body ejected out the window and laying in a crumpled heap on the grass while onlookers take photos and post disparaging comments on theync(.)com

 

[Life_and_Death]

constantly.....no. i do have blank spots where i dont recall/dont think i thought about it but its definitely there and suicidal seems like something i would add to my list of character traits.. "oh yeah btw im suicidal, nice to meet you :) "

 

[EraseRewind]

Yes, everyday.

 

[LastFlowers]

Yes, often.
It is sort of a mental coping mechanism, if I am in a fit of anxiety or distress from my situation, I look all around me for a way to end my existence, no matter where I am:
a tall building, jumping in front of a vehicle, a bridge, a knife, a window to break.
And recently I've been imagining my way through the steps of taking my SN, and trying to prepare myself for the possible discomfort, it's not pleasant to think about but I feel I must do it.

 

[Bullit]

I often imagine myself jumping from a plane 10,000 feet in the air,to the rocks below!

 

[Deleted member 8579]

Kafka did this too, as these excerpts from his diaries attest:

"Always the vision of a butcher knife which, hurriedly and with mechanical regularity, drives into me from the side and cuts away paper-thin cross-sections that fly away almost curled up in the fast work."

"Being dragged in through the first floor window of a house by a rope placed around the neck and being dragged up bleeding and ragged without consideration, as if by one who does not pay attention, through all the ceilings, furniture, walls and attics until the empty noose appears on top of the roof, which also lost my remains only when breaking through the roof tiles."