Venting Do i really want help?

[smh]

I want to get better. Or do i? I mean every single therapist that ive been with has said the same, "you dont accept help", and for therapists i mean psychologists, psychiatrists and every single person that has tried to seriously help me. I mean i do want help so what do they mean with that? I feel like its a problem nobody can fix but me and people trying to help me cant do anything but tell me things that worked for others and hope i do something about it, but at the same time i dont feel i have the energy, motivation, resources and just overall the will to do anything that requires minimal effort so is it really my problem? That i, in the end, dont "want" help? I feel frustrated, angry and simply tired, tired of this life. I dont want a better life i just simply dont want to live at all. I dont want to wake up tomorrow and studying for being able to study more for being able to work for being able to buy a shovel to be able to dig a hole deep enough for me to fall in when i die. I simplydont see a point on living anymore and i wish i did. I wish i was happy. I wish i found something that made me wake up every single morning with a smile but i dont think there is. At least not for me. The only thing i want to do is be an absolute useless piece of shit and just spend days after days wasting my time on the internet with videogames porn and whatever gives me some endorphins, i know this is wrong and i know i should change it but i also know that if i want to be better i will need to find the strenght to change something and really i just find suicide easier than whatever i have to do to be better.
If youre reading this, thank you. My english isnt the best and theres probably a better way to express what i wanted to say than mumbling some meaningless shit, theres no point in this post appart from saying something to someone. I really want to have someone. Its not like a suicide forum is the best place for making friends but can i really ask for something more?. Introducing todays sponsor; Nord VPN, nord vpn is not only usefull for specialoccations where you want to privately browse, its also usefull on everyday activites such as... blah blah blah i really am losing my mind

 

[derpyderpins]

Telling someone they don't want help is a trap we fall into. You've got one person who wants help, and the other is trying to give it in the only way that they know how, and the easy way for the helper to explain the failure is to blame the help-ee.

It's tough, and I'm sorry you're having to struggle with this. Because we know it's true to a point, right? If we do nothing, no one else can fix whatever is wrong. But that doesn't mean we aren't trying. Everything gets difficult. There are many barriers we're pushing against. It's not like everything is perfect except the one solution we're being offered and we're rejecting it, we're straining ourselves to carry our additional weight, and can't always put full effort into the proposed solution.

I have to admit I'll think something like that when I'm trying to help someone; but I've made a determination not to say it to them if possible, because it's my ineptitude as the person offering help, not the fault of the person struggling. I still slip up. It's hard. I don't want it to be that there are no answers. I don't want to see the cracks in my worldview. I want results probably to feel better about myself and the world, and to believe that if we're just compassionate enough everything will be okay.

You have your habits not because that's who you are, but it's necessary in some way to cope with your struggles. I'd say the fact that you're thinking about it this much means you do want to improve your situation. It's just not always that easy to just "do."

 

[EvisceratedJester]

and for therapists i mean psychologists, psychiatrists

Psychiatrists aren't therapists...

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. I think it's brave and proactive to talk to someone in the first place though- it takes guts to open up to a stranger.

Still, this is why I don't think I'd bother with it at the moment. I'm not in a place where I'm willing to try and challenge my thinking, or change my behaviour so- I just don't think I would allow it to help me. It would be like going to a lecture, only vaguely listening, not taking any notes and, not doing the homework! I don't think it would work for me in my current frame of mind. It's like that saying: 'You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.'

That all said, in my own experience, sometimes things people have told me that I initially kind of refuted, did actually sink in in the end and I acted on some of them. So- who knows? Maybe what they are talking about with you will feel right to act on one day. It sucks how much effort it takes though. I'm sorry.

 

[ladylazarus4]

I relate a lot. I WANT to get better, I WANT help, but I'm not sure it's possible for me. My therapists/providers invariably tell me that I am treatment resistant, I burn people out, etc etc. My current therapist is good, and I'm trying. But depression is killing me. It's so hard to try to get better, everyone has different reasons. But I wish you all the best. It sounds like you still are hanging onto life. If that's what you want, I hope you can find something that gives your life meaning. What I'm trying to say, I guess, is that I hope your suffering eases.

 

[smvrtsa]

oh man, i have so many overwhelming feelings about this post. are you me? haha. i feel pretty much exactly the same, like one foot in the door, can't commit to recovery but can't commit to suicide. i don't have the brainpower to put my thoughts into words but i am sending you validation and empathy

 

[selfeater]

I laughed at the nordvpn part lol. But I understand a little I have no will to fix myself or get better and I don't feel like life is worth living but I still see my therapist cause I guess I have a little hope they can restore my will to live lol… or at least until an hour ago cause I no longer have a therapist… guess I finally lost all hope

 

[smvrtsa]

I laughed at the nordvpn part lol. But I understand a little I have no will to fix myself or get better and I don't feel like life is worth living but I still see my therapist cause I guess I have a little hope they can restore my will to live lol… or at least until an hour ago cause I no longer have a therapist… guess I finally lost all hope

twinning i quit therapy last thursday but she said she would hold my spot for the next 4 weeks in case i change my mind… idk if i've lost all hope yet bc i might go back but idk! hope is a small silly fickle thing, if nothing else i hope i find the peace im looking for in one way or another and i hope u do too

 

[SoulBroken]

I relate alot to this, and your English is really good.

It's not that I don't want help, I just don't believe in help anymore, it's been years of sadness and I just want to die, it's really hard for me to believe in or accept help when I just want to die, I only believe that life is a really horrible place and I just want to peacefully exit.

I have absolutely no energy or motivation to try new things or try to "help" myself.
I feel like something inside me has already died, I feel so disconnected from life and I don't believe I can be helped.

There was someone who I've been talking to for over 6 years, he was the only person who really listened to me. He knows how long I've been suffering for.
Yesterday he told me I just don't want/accept help, he told me that I'm being a burden, and he blocked me.

I don't blame him at all, I know it's my fault, for years I've only been dumping all my feelings, emotions and sadness onto him.

I can't be helped, unless you can make me blind to the harsh truth that life really is a horrible place.