Venting Disappointed that I can’t hang on.

[dropdeadfred]

I hate myself for it. It's been an off & on battle in my mind & with my body for over 20 years. I don't think I can truly give myself permission to go, but I find it to be logically necessary... before everything becomes worse & worse & worse. Everything began to spiral out of control a few months ago, almost seemingly out of nowhere.
Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I failed & die with it, instead of trying to push against it by attempting to convince myself of something else. I tried, but I failed.
Sometimes I wish I felt nothing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

This brings me some comfort. Maybe it will bring some to you, too:

"To strive with difficulties, and to conquer them, is the highest human felicity; the next is, to strive, and deserve to conquer..."

- Samuel Johnson

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I gotta live for tomorrow. My cat has an vet appointment. Unfortunately, I have to hang with my ex to get this done.

That's my excuse. I'm sorry for all the resignation I displayed today and felt today.

I concede...

 

[Meditation guide]

I gotta live for tomorrow. My cat has an vet appointment.

Blessings to you for taking good care of your cat. That has always come first with me.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I hate myself for it. It's been an off & on battle in my mind & with my body for over 20 years. I don't think I can truly give myself permission to go, but I find it to be logically necessary... before everything becomes worse & worse & worse. Everything began to spiral out of control a few months ago, almost seemingly out of nowhere.
Maybe I just need to accept the fact that I failed & die with it, instead of trying to push against it by attempting to convince myself of something else. I tried, but I failed.
Sometimes I wish I felt nothing.

Brother I feel this and I feel you with what you've written here.
Naturally I don't know the details of your conundrum but I can honestly relate to your running battle over many years.
I'm for your pain my brother and the way you can't shake it one way or another, I wish there was something I could say or do to assuage the challenges you have.
From one keyboard on the other side of the world to another, I honestly and sincerely hope that if there is a way some light can shine for you and I'm sending (for what it's worth), all my love and light to you and I hope you can find peace in what you're looking for.
Love and respect my brother.
DBD