abruptum
Lost
- Jan 10, 2021
- 167
Its been a bit since I've posted, to explain how my situation has been briefly I was looking to transfer to a state school for college. Not that I needed to or anything just because I wanted the financial ease rather than stretching myself thinner than I need to as of right now. However I'm not a very attentive student and I'm already not good in a classical classroom and online learning has just felt even more of a bore to me so I of course didn't have the most spectacular grades. My highschool gpa and test scores still topped almost any school I was hoping to transfer to but because my 1 year of college has left me with a 2.3 gpa I was differed from all of the big universities. This was a massive blow to my confidence and myself as a whole, I had never felt more stupid in my entire life and yet it gave me a chance. A way for me to prove my worth and solve the problem. It felt like the side of me that cant accept failure just took over and I was in a state of complete problem solving. Now I'm in a college on a 1 semester plan to move to the University I was hoping to attend and have secured an apartment for the next year of my life. This is a step down from studying abroad like I hoped but its only a semester away from the University I'm looking to enroll in come spring sem.
Anyways this all happened and maybe took 2 weeks and it was pure exhaustion, during this I was also handling a lot of other stuff and I was honestly being more productive than I have been the last year. But now that its all over and figured out all of my motivation is gone and I feel that void and darkness coming back to my body. I'm afraid to sleep even with the exhaustion that rules my body because I know the dreams of me dying will return. Its never a fun death like the ones I day dream about, its always gruesome and torturous. My motivation is lacking and I know people will soon go back to being disappointed in me and unable to see me as any worth. On top of it all I have Covid-19 (although not feeling too sick).
It just feels like such a shame, all of the darkness and depression inevitably returns. It always does, I fear it always will.
Anyways this all happened and maybe took 2 weeks and it was pure exhaustion, during this I was also handling a lot of other stuff and I was honestly being more productive than I have been the last year. But now that its all over and figured out all of my motivation is gone and I feel that void and darkness coming back to my body. I'm afraid to sleep even with the exhaustion that rules my body because I know the dreams of me dying will return. Its never a fun death like the ones I day dream about, its always gruesome and torturous. My motivation is lacking and I know people will soon go back to being disappointed in me and unable to see me as any worth. On top of it all I have Covid-19 (although not feeling too sick).
It just feels like such a shame, all of the darkness and depression inevitably returns. It always does, I fear it always will.
