Venting Decided to give random attempts to ctb by hanging, as part of practicing it

[Everybody_yells]

So....... I realized recovery is not meant for me, apparently !

Accordingly I decided to practice my partial hanging at random days with the hope of one of the attempts to get me to the overlords. Why random? Because I don't want to die, but neither can I prolong here, in this world, with so much pain. But I guess that is the consciousness conundrum !

I will miss my childhood memories such as playing soccer with my friends
I will miss the time I could perform songs of Chester with my college band
I will miss my friends, my colleagues who at one time made me feel good and even my family, who..... never mind !

But the loneliness has crippled me. I isolated myself without me even knowing it and now I have no one. Not one fucking person. I can see these friends and colleagues hanging out without me and they looks so happy.
My career is also on the line with me not able to move on from my current job ( thanks anhedonia and depression).
I think it would be in everyone's best interest if I just leave and not burden anyone anymore.

All this said, this is definitely not any sort of Goodbye threads, because like I said it could be that I am here tomorrow too because my attempts are rather random (including tonight's). And it is also plausible that my SI may bring out the Coward in me, I don't know. We are only humans aren't we ?

Anyway I just wanted to vent out, I guess. Thanks for hearing me out.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much. I know that this life can be unbearable when you are in so much pain. It really is such an awful world we live in. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I find it hard to think about how some people are having a good time, and seeing it is worse. It was easy for me to slip out of some people's lives without being missed since they had their lives together. I often wonder what that would be like. It became hard on me to feel I was forcing myself where I didn't belong by remaining in their lives, but isolation is hard no matter what - after all we end up here.

I often think it would be in everyone's best interest if I left as well. It would barely make a difference if I was here or not, so it's hard to remain in the state I'm in. I feel for you struggling with so much as well.

Best wishes with partial hanging, I've never got it to work so if you get better at it I'd honestly appreciate tips or hearing how things go. I hope you can avoid hurting yourself too much in the process.