NSFW Dealing with S/A vent/advice request?

[nightmare-receiver]

Hi guys I didn't really know what thread to post this in. I guess I'm kind of looking for advice, but SA might have to be under nsfw? TLDR: Any advice for dealing with fallout from/healing from sexual assault? I'm desperate.

Spoiler: The Details

I'm 22, and I was raped at 14 by my boyfriend. He convinced me to stay with him through a combination of abuse, manipulation, and isolation. I kept it a mostly secret for 7 months before my best friend at the time told someone. It became a legal thing, I didn't have enough to press charges but I had enough for a temporary protection order against him for "sexual violence." It only lasted 3 months. It's my only concrete piece of proof, and sharing it with anyone is a legal gray area.

My best friend at the time told a bunch of people, and it got around quick. He told people about it too. I had to be home from school for 3 months, and when I came back he followed me everywhere after I finally had the courage to officially break up with him. I went to another school and I hoped it was over, but when I graduated and went to college he followed. His cousin went to my school, so now he was hanging out with him in my dorm building, and they're both hanging out with the only friends I had made. I lived with these friends, and they thought I was overreacting, and that I was upset with them over nothing while they voluntarily ran in the same group as my rapist. I moved again and switched schools.

My new college was hours away, and the only place I ever felt safe. I felt like my life and metal state were getting so much better. I graduated and came home, and it feels like I'm right back where I started. It happened in my house, so everywhere I look reminds me of it. He still lives so close to me. He has a stupid band, which sounds like shit, but is still finding gigs. It hurts so bad to watch him receive so much attention because it's so dangerous for anyone who gives it to him. Multiple girls have contacted me saying the same thing or similar happened to them. I feel so much guilt, like I didn't fight back hard enough to make him feel like it wasn't easy to do again or something. I've reached out to a girl in his band, because that's how he got me, but she was awful about it. I have to hear about him playing at all these local venues, and he started working at one of the only stores I go to. I feel like I'm stuck in a time loop where every few months or years he shows up and nobody believes me or cares.

I don't really see the point in continuing most of the time. I've done therapy, and I feel like it never helped. I tried group therapy, and was assaulted by a guy there, bad luck I guess. Medication doesn't help this. I feel like if I were going to heal, I would have made some kind of progress already in these 8 years. I've seen people who have been through similar things heal and grow, but not me. It is the driving force of me wanting to CTB, and I can't ever see it getting better. Please help, if you have anything to say that might.

 

[SASU-KE]

Seems like you've been struggling for a long time. If therapy and meds haven't helped,Have you had any relationship after that? Friend or a partner who was supportive?

What about parents? Are there people who you can speak with about these things IRL? It's mind boggling to think that some of the girls you're trying to reach out to aren't willing to listen.

Kudos to you for actually reaching out to people and trying to warn them. It's very kind of you to do that.

 

[rotthjärta]

Im sorry about the piece of shit people around you, the system for just giving him a 3 months protection order, those who didn't believe you or treated you as you were overreacting, you are not overreacting at all. You are not doing anything wrong as a matter of fact. Don't let that get to your head. You being able to voice discomfort or voice who or what had wronged you is a form strength, it might sound a little cheesy but it is true and I hope you don't lose the ability to speak up or say when things are wrong.

I don't have life changing advice. But changing up your space can help and I mean everything as in the furniture in your room too where its all placed i mean. It's one of the ways to allow yourself to look at your own place as a new personal space. Even just throwing out old things or clothes that you don't need. For me it helped when I wanted to sort of "cleanse" my mind, give myself a form of "new beginning". It's your house and it's your space, somewhere personal should feel safe.

The only other way to get out of that loop is to leave that city or town, it would be really hard to yes but if you are looking for a job or something try to get something outside of there. I think you can feel better, when you went to your new college a bit further it was a bit better, right. So there is a possibility, there is hope, i understand contemplating ctb but don't cut short when you have a chance or even that small bit of hope to live life comfortably, happy and far from this. I don't have advice on what steps to take or where to go but i hope you live the life you deserve, its angering seeing how such a disgusting person can go on to live like nothing ever happened.

With cutting off friends, find other friend or people who wont doubt you, in real life it may be difficult, try making connections online. You need people who are good friends to keep your mind away from the negative. Someone to encourage you to look in a different direction in life.

Be good to yourself.

 

[nightmare-receiver]

Seems like you've been struggling for a long time. If therapy and meds haven't helped,Have you had any relationship after that? Friend or a partner who was supportive?

What about parents? Are there people who you can speak with about these things IRL? It's mind boggling to think that some of the girls you're trying to reach out to aren't willing to listen.

Kudos to you for actually reaching out to people and trying to warn them. It's very kind of you to do that.

Thank you so much, that means a lot to me. I've had friends that are supportive, and my parents are too. I'm so grateful for them, but every time I talk about it I feel like a burden haha

Im sorry about the piece of shit people around you, the system for just giving him a 3 months protection order, those who didn't believe you or treated you as you were overreacting, you are not overreacting at all. You are not doing anything wrong as a matter of fact. Don't let that get to your head. You being able to voice discomfort or voice who or what had wronged you is a form strength, it might sound a little cheesy but it is true and I hope you don't lose the ability to speak up or say when things are wrong.

I don't have life changing advice. But changing up your space can help and I mean everything as in the furniture in your room too where its all placed i mean. It's one of the ways to allow yourself to look at your own place as a new personal space. Even just throwing out old things or clothes that you don't need. For me it helped when I wanted to sort of "cleanse" my mind, give myself a form of "new beginning". It's your house and it's your space, somewhere personal should feel safe.

The only other way to get out of that loop is to leave that city or town, it would be really hard to yes but if you are looking for a job or something try to get something outside of there. I think you can feel better, when you went to your new college a bit further it was a bit better, right. So there is a possibility, there is hope, i understand contemplating ctb but don't cut short when you have a chance or even that small bit of hope to live life comfortably, happy and far from this. I don't have advice on what steps to take or where to go but i hope you live the life you deserve, its angering seeing how such a disgusting person can go on to live like nothing ever happened.

With cutting off friends, find other friend or people who wont doubt you, in real life it may be difficult, try making connections online. You need people who are good friends to keep your mind away from the negative. Someone to encourage you to look in a different direction in life.

Be good to yourself.

This means so much to me that it made me cry a little, thank you so much. Everything feels so unfair, and it means a lot to have that acknowledged. It's so hard to feel like I didn't do anything wrong, but hearing (or seeing lol) it helps a lot. This helped me finally decorate my room, and I feel a little less awful and out of place. Thank you so much for the advice, I'm hoping to get out of here asap, and I'll try and reach out to some friends and stop isolating myself. Thank you so much again, I hope things go well for you and I appreciate your words a lot.

 

[BlueberrySylv]

:< im so sorry for the things you had to go through.
i personally havent been through a full on SA but i can say i have been touched without consent as a kid more than once...
those memories are dark. hurtful and genuienly scare me everytime i remember them.

i hate them with the deepest part of my heart and i know that this defininitely ended up making me more depressed. is one of the reasons im so diffrent and defininitely one of the reason im so generally more sexually active than the average person.

though it wasnt as bad as yours...i can say that as long as you try to avoid the person as best as you can. going away from the place.

though i genuienly dont have much helpful tips i just wanted to say i understand how bad it can be. even if slightly...
(also that i love your pfp x3)

 

[Night Walks]

Im so sorry this has happened to you. Sending love

 

[judestfrancis]

Learning to grow after multiple assaults isn't easy, but you're doing the right thing by reaching out. Therapy and support from people can only ever do so much, since sometimes it feels like they dont fully get how debilitating those memories can be. But, theyre also good crutches in times where it is overwhelming. I can assure you that no one who matters thinks you're a burden for talking about it. My irl friends always say "a burden shared is a burden halved" and it is true in a lot of ways. Your friends and family love you and want to know when youre struggling, even if youve struggled before.
Its hard to step out of those memories sometimes and remind yourself that you are more than the worst things that have happened to you. But you are :) The fact youre in the recovery forums is a good sign.
If you do really feel like you cant talk to anyone about it, I have a little ritual I like to do to try to take it off my mind. Write everything you can stomach about the event, in as much or as little detail. then, once its written, take it to a safe space, say out loud "This holds no power over me." and burn it.

 

[nightmare-receiver]

:< im so sorry for the things you had to go through.
i personally havent been through a full on SA but i can say i have been touched without consent as a kid more than once...
those memories are dark. hurtful and genuienly scare me everytime i remember them.

i hate them with the deepest part of my heart and i know that this defininitely ended up making me more depressed. is one of the reasons im so diffrent and defininitely one of the reason im so generally more sexually active than the average person.

though it wasnt as bad as yours...i can say that as long as you try to avoid the person as best as you can. going away from the place.

though i genuienly dont have much helpful tips i just wanted to say i understand how bad it can be. even if slightly...
(also that i love your pfp x3

i'm sorry for what you've been through as well. your pain is just as valid as mine, and i hope things get better for the both of us. (and thank you :3)

Learning to grow after multiple assaults isn't easy, but you're doing the right thing by reaching out. Therapy and support from people can only ever do so much, since sometimes it feels like they dont fully get how debilitating those memories can be. But, theyre also good crutches in times where it is overwhelming. I can assure you that no one who matters thinks you're a burden for talking about it. My irl friends always say "a burden shared is a burden halved" and it is true in a lot of ways. Your friends and family love you and want to know when youre struggling, even if youve struggled before.
Its hard to step out of those memories sometimes and remind yourself that you are more than the worst things that have happened to you. But you are :) The fact youre in the recovery forums is a good sign.
If you do really feel like you cant talk to anyone about it, I have a little ritual I like to do to try to take it off my mind. Write everything you can stomach about the event, in as much or as little detail. then, once its written, take it to a safe space, say out loud "This holds no power over me." and burn it.

thank you so much, i'll give that a try. i think i'll start writing more in general too :)

 

[NoName8]

Hey, I know this is an older post, but it made me quite sad to see you blaming yourself so much. You never did anything wrong, at any point. I know self blame or negative self talk is common in abuse victims, but I hope you take the time to remind yourself that you never did ANYTHING wrong and nothing that ever happened to you regarding SA was your fault.

Also, it's so awful that you were taken advantage of while trying to get help through group therapy. I can't imagine how you felt after you were already so vulnerable :(

Please take care of yourself.