Dead inside:dissociative disorder

[Fucking loving it]

I want to CTB so bad. I am trying to hold off due to my son. I am feeling dispare, that is when I feel. Otherwise I'm an empty shell. Dead inside. Shut down broken beyond repair.
I'm fighting urges to mutilate. I have already made huge black bruises and slices all over my legs.
Can anyone relate? Or give any advice on how to hang on. Anything here.

 

[sillyusername69]

I've been dissociative as far back as I can remember. I've self harmed intentionally since I realized it was a thing, and unintentionally before that. Before I realized eating disorders were a thing i would starve myself as a child just "because". I felt I deserved it. I still binge and starve myself but never got into purging (puking).

I don't slice myself but I scratch. I also am a mother. I've gone through phases of being able to fit in, but I have to pretend I'm my own video game character. If I was a character, how would I dress? How would they act? What would they say?
In a weird way, the dissociation let me act as a third party to use my body (the character) so i could still "act" happy and normal.

It never lasts though. Things slip and I can only maintain this character image for so long. It still feels fake. The friendships and bonds are fake and temporary. No one is actually able to bond with the real me, just a fake version of myself.
So yes I can relate. I've reverted to just staying inside, doing my motherly duties, trying to be emotionally available for the children and have given up on outside interaction aside from going to a bartender occassionally when I run out at home.

As far as advice I would suggest something similar, where you maybe think of how you "want" to be and try to play that role even if it isn't how you feel truly. Maybe eventually the lie will become the reality. If you haven't, seek therapy. I would not mention the self harm or wanting to mutilate personally. But you can mention you believe you are dissociative. Or maybe mention self harm in a past context (when you were younger ect).
Anti depressants briefly helped me. Maybe they will more permanently help you.

 

[Allpainnogain]

I feel dissociative too. Sometimes I wonder if it's all the meds contributing to the constant mental fog and lack of feeling. Of course my psych says no. I'm sorry you fel this way it is awful

 

[BlueMeanie88]

I relate on so many different levels. I am also a mom and feel like a terrible mother. I am writing this as my daughter puts her hand on mine and tells me I am awesome. I am terribly afraid of damaging her beyond repair. I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I'm also sorry because I don't have any advice as this is my daily struggle. All i do is put on my plastic smile

 

[netrezven]

I've been dissociative as far back as I can remember. I've self harmed intentionally since I realized it was a thing, and unintentionally before that. Before I realized eating disorders were a thing i would starve myself as a child just "because". I felt I deserved it. I still binge and starve myself but never got into purging (puking).

I don't slice myself but I scratch. I also am a mother. I've gone through phases of being able to fit in, but I have to pretend I'm my own video game character. If I was a character, how would I dress? How would they act? What would they say?
In a weird way, the dissociation let me act as a third party to use my body (the character) so i could still "act" happy and normal.

It never lasts though. Things slip and I can only maintain this character image for so long. It still feels fake. The friendships and bonds are fake and temporary. No one is actually able to bond with the real me, just a fake version of myself.
So yes I can relate. I've reverted to just staying inside, doing my motherly duties, trying to be emotionally available for the children and have given up on outside interaction aside from going to a bartender occassionally when I run out at home.

As far as advice I would suggest something similar, where you maybe think of how you "want" to be and try to play that role even if it isn't how you feel truly. Maybe eventually the lie will become the reality. If you haven't, seek therapy. I would not mention the self harm or wanting to mutilate personally. But you can mention you believe you are dissociative. Or maybe mention self harm in a past context (when you were younger ect).
Anti depressants briefly helped me. Maybe they will more permanently help you.

i'm a man, but can relate completely. Used to play this 3rd party game in my life, it wasn't bad, it went away, it keeps me remembering what i can do if i want to. Don't harm myself. Don't want anyone to know what is going on with me. One thing i learned from life is to never show weakness and specially in front of "closest" ones. I had some point in life where some people forgot who i am and really enjoyed my need for momentum help. Well some didn't and keep them with me.
I really think that a person can die inside, lose every trust, love, fun, naivety. This happened to me 4-5 years ago, and still will never go back to the person i was. Some people can leave scars or kill you inside. And sadly those are the people we mostly trust and love. For me it depends on the person you are. I let all of this to happen to me and effect me this way. It killed what i was. Made me hate what i was to that point. Well lately since an year i take new hits one by one, almost constantly. Again i hate what i was and now what i'm, because this time i have no idea what to change. My new me for sure won't let me love again anyone besides my kids and really feel some form of hate, witch is something i never expected to people i used to love. I simply wait for the moment when i'll turn out to be a completely empty shell with some virtual autopilot playing the "video" game. At least i might look like a winner in other's shells eyes. Or stop taking trust, relations and feelings so deep and have fun.
Where i'm going appears to be the moment, when i had put myself in such a sh*t, that i'll have to ctb, or forget all this and fight back.

 

[sillyusername69]

i'm a man, but can relate completely. Used to play this 3rd party game in my life, it wasn't bad, it went away, it keeps me remembering what i can do if i want to. Don't harm myself. Don't want anyone to know what is going on with me. One thing i learned from life is to never show weakness and specially in front of "closest" ones. I had some point in life where some people forgot who i am and really enjoyed my need for momentum help. Well some didn't and keep them with me.
I really think that a person can die inside, lose every trust, love, fun, naivety. This happened to me 4-5 years ago, and still will never go back to the person i was. Some people can leave scars or kill you inside. And sadly those are the people we mostly trust and love. For me it depends on the person you are. I let all of this to happen to me and effect me this way. It killed what i was. Made me hate what i was to that point. Well lately since an year i take new hits one by one, almost constantly. Again i hate what i was and now what i'm, because this time i have no idea what to change. My new me for sure won't let me love again anyone besides my kids and really feel some form of hate, witch is something i never expected to people i used to love. I simply wait for the moment when i'll turn out to be a completely empty shell with some virtual autopilot playing the "video" game. At least i might look like a winner in other's shells eyes. Or stop taking trust, relations and feelings so deep and have fun.
Where i'm going appears to be the moment, when i had put myself in such a sh*t, that i'll have to ctb, or forget all this and fight back.

Just recently I was betrayed by someone who used to be my best friend. There was no motive or real reason for the betrayal. They had been in my life in order to betray me (literally divulging my secrets/life happenings to my past abuser/stalker)

I can't comprehend why. What did I do to deserve that type of person intruding on my life? One more scar. I don't understand.