Venting DEAD ENDS

[angel164]

I Have been constantly living in a state of agonizing existence.
a torture filled one. every time I put any effort to get out, I get slammed by a dead end in the face
"Finding hope" feels more like a coping mechanism rather than a human survival instinct.

I am done finding reasons to stay because I have none. I am still here because I need more time to make sure when I go, I don't fail again.
but this time in between here and death is so agonizing. And the worst part of it all is how lonely it is!!

its lonely because, even if you have someone, you can't tell them you will kill yourself. and if you want to have someone new, why the fuck would you? you're going to die anyway! what's the point?
it will just add more people to stop you from going.

but god being lonely in this is so terrible, I feel this awful dread of being alive, where nothing is me. my body isn't me, my mind isn't me, my face isn't me, my family are not mine, my place is not mine.
everything feels so wrong and I feel so alienated ALL the time.

plus even when I try to vent to Someone close, They always have a worse day than mine so I shut up.
I always feel guilty for venting, because they always seem to have it worse somehow? it feels like a joke, like I am being played by evil people on the 7th dimension,
and you know what's funny.. I cannot blame them, evil and good are earth things. maybe in their dimension they don't even know what evil and good is.

we are just silly little emotional beings who make up stories and ideas about the meaningless shit they are alive in. nothing means anything, we give it all the meaning.
and our meaning giving ability is so so so cruel. i wish nothing meant anything, then i can go die now.

I feel like I am still 7, trying to fit in and stop bad things from happening, and just like when I was seven.. I still want someone to kill me.

and its more agonizing knowing that you all here are going through terrible things too.. why is this so cruel? why do we do this? why is it happening?
I don't know about all you but I would love for a mass extinction event right about uhm.. now.

 

[babyblueeyes]

dude im going through the same thing wtf!!! i tried talking to someone recently and they told me about things that make my life look so easy. it all feel very pointless to do anything and i feel like im so behind that there is no point in trying to connect with others. it all super lonely just like youre saying. idek if im making sense but you shouldnt compare your pain to others because youre valid like anyone else having these thoughts and i hope you can gain the confidence to reach out to people once again in the furture.

 

[angel164]

dude im going through the same thing wtf!!! i tried talking to someone recently and they told me about things that make my life look so easy. it all feel very pointless to do anything and i feel like im so behind that there is no point in trying to connect with others. it all super lonely just like youre saying. idek if im making sense but you shouldnt compare your pain to others because youre valid like anyone else having these thoughts and i hope you can gain the confidence to reach out to people once again in the furture.

damnnn, I am sorry ur going through that too!! YES it feels so pointless, its so sad. you make perfect sense, and I hope you too also have the unconditional support you need.

to me everyone's pain is valid too, and everyone should have support, but not everyone thinks the same sadly . I grew up on "always put others first" and I learned from a very young age how to help regulate others and make them feel better, and now I realized too late, that there is no one to do the same for me. all my energy goes on supporting others and at the end of the day, I am left alone with everyone else's problems on top of mine.

sending good wishes and hugs to you.

 

[babyblueeyes]

damnnn, I am sorry ur going through that too!! YES it feels so pointless, its so sad. you make perfect sense, and I hope you too also have the unconditional support you need.

to me everyone's pain is valid too, and everyone should have support, but not everyone thinks the same sadly . I grew up on "always put others first" and I learned from a very young age how to help regulate others and make them feel better, and now I realized too late, that there is no one to do the same for me. all my energy goes on supporting others and at the end of the day, I am left alone with everyone else's problems on top of mine.

sending good wishes and hugs to you.

yeah i grew up the same way. people are more lenient with me now but its very hard to connect with other in a productive way for me.

growing up and being dismissed really messes with how people process these emotions when theyre adults. especially when they want to help other while their heart is in so much pain. if you need someone to talk about a shitty day just dm me bc everyone deserves to have someone to listen to them even if its a stranger!

good wishes and hugs to you as well i hope you have a good day.

 

[angel164]

yeah i grew up the same way. people are more lenient with me now but its very hard to connect with other in a productive way for me.

growing up and being dismissed really messes with how people process these emotions when theyre adults. especially when they want to help other while their heart is in so much pain. if you need someone to talk about a shitty day just dm me bc everyone deserves to have someone to listen to them even if its a stranger!

good wishes and hugs to you as well i hope you have a good day.

I feel you so much! I agree, this selfless way of living really runs a toll on some people, and there is no way out without confronting being perceived as "bad". I hope things get better for you.
thank you for your responses, I appriciate knowing there are others who feel the same way.
my DMs are open too when you need it as well. I hope you have a wonderful day too :)