Day 3

[new.solution1]

This is day 3 of feeling better. It has never happened like this, 3 days in a row. Deep down, I am on edge like never before. The longer I wait to CTB, the worse I feel. The worse my state of mind becomes. I am starting to lose grip on waiting, I just want to do it because I know it is the only true final solution.

I may be more steady, but all my feelings are still there, thoughts still there, getting worse. Recovery is not possible. I would not even know what to do to recover, where I would start. I would just be grabbing at air. It is like my mind is the color blue, and the color green got mixed into it. How can you remove the color green? It is impossible.

I am not willing to live compromised like this. It is the worst feeling in the world.

I would have to get better 100%. Even 1% is like a splinter that would drive insane and make life unbearable.

One of my gripes is lost time. Another is emotional baggage.

This world has also changed into something I do not like. Today's media....

It is hard to breathe.

I guess...I guess...I guess....I can hope that I get better to the point that this all becomes bearable. Then, I can wait until the point that I stop getting better. Then I can CTB. I am afraid of coming across more excuses to live and keep trying if I do reach that point. The denial.

I just wish I had a concrete schedule. The time ahead is now all like limbo.

I am tired of my thoughts. They are the same everyday.

I have to constantly lie to myself to make myself not angry. If I were to accept reality, who knows what would happen.

I look forward to a new life, with changes that are made that are not possible in this one.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You say you're feeling better and that's great. That's not a negative. Take it for what it is. What you do with it is up to you.

I would not even know what to do to recover, where I would start.

You could start in the Recovery Thread here on SaSu.

I would have to get better 100%. Even 1% is like a splinter that would drive insane and make life unbearable.

I think you would have to exercise some type of patience, as nothing comes all at once 100%. I think "better" would come in dribs and drabs.

One of my gripes is lost time. Another is emotional baggage.

We all have regrets. Learning to live with the disappointments is the key. Maybe it would get easier as things got a little better over time?

This world has also changed into something I do not like.

I agree the world does suck. We can't change the world. It has always sucked.

Good luck on your recovery if you decide to pursue it.

 

[new.solution1]

It would be nice if a lot of things in my past were different.

But what I really need is compensation for what happened later on.

I need a real solution. I am hungry, and I need food. I can not just eat something that isn't food and trick myself. It has to be real food.

If there is one thing I learned in this life, it is that you should not be tricked. People tell you what is the truth, how to frame it, how to be a good person, when deep down you know what the truth is already. I have forgotten, and let myself be swayed, buying into other people's knowledge, until it has driven me insane. Maybe this was the purpose of this life. To learn that lesson, so in the next life I can be steady in the next one.

Don't let other people tell you how to feel about things. You already know. Someone tells you not to get pissed off, then they run into the same situation as you and get pissed off themselves. I am tired of seeing this happen. Very annoying.

I see living like this as important, and also having the ability and time to make progress in life. Both are important.

I am having trouble accepting life is unfair. There must be some kind of justice that will occur. You can't expect somebody who is helpless to help himself, can you?

I am tired of being angry.

You say you're feeling better and that's great. That's not a negative. Take it for what it is. What you do with it is up to you.



You could start in the Recovery Thread here on SaSu.


I think you would have to exercise some type of patience, as nothing comes all at once 100%. I think "better" would come in dribs and drabs.


We all have regrets. Learning to live with the disappointments is the key. Maybe it would get easier as things got a little better over time?


I agree the world does suck. We can't change the world. It has always sucked.

Good luck on your recovery if you decide to pursue it.

Thanks for your reply. Patience is not a factor in my situation. Imagine telling a person who is set on fire to be patient. Maybe that analogy is not the beet. I understand you don't know my situation.

It is not only the disappointments but the effect they have on the rest of your life, rendering it unbearable. I did not elaborate enough to let you know what I mean.

I don't think the world sucks, I just think it has changed for the worse.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound really tiring what you are going through. I'm sorry that you suffer. I wish you relief.