Story CTB tomorrow

[seasons4changing]

I grew up in the worse parts of Los Angeles . Was SA'd multiple times, abused, beaten, robbed blaming myself for my own weakness.

Told myself those times I was SA'd by strangers and family it was because I wanted it.

Suffering with my mind telling me my thoughts were all individual people. Diagnosed with autism ,dissociative identity disorder, bi polar 1 and PTSD struggling my adult life only thing I did was help contribute to making the most wonderful children I could ever imagine. I'm so proud of them.

Each therapist I had said "time will heal, it will get better." Or "don't ctb because what you're going thru is "temporary". Well I given it a try…year after year after year telling myself my mental health will get better and to see it only got worse. I'm tired of waking up each day not knowing if I'm in reality because the meds fucked me so hard.

Now I'm All checked into my hotel. Plan to ctb tomorrow with SN. I originally planned the morning but it might be pushed to the afternoon my son wants me to watch his YouTube video and I promised I would . I Had some beautiful last moments with my family. Laughed and took a trip down memory lane. Showed my kids all the cool stuff we did together over the years things they could not remember back when I was a better parent . Kids are off to their responsible parent and Now I'm sitting here in the hotel enjoying my last day…it feels surreal. Just been crying all day. Sad and wish my brain was better, wishing I was stronger, wishing I could manage.

All I see is little me crying. Crying because existence is pain and ctb is scary.

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm so sorry that you have suffered so much. This world is cruel, you deserved a better life. All I can hope is that you finally find your peace. I am wishing you all the best

 

[seasons4changing]

Thank you so much for your kind words

 

[SufferingNSilence]

I'm so sorry Honey, that life dealt you such sh*tty cards like many of the rest of here.
*I REALLY HOPE that ALL YOUR CURRENT WISHES & DESIRE'S COME TRUE IN THE BEST WAYS POSSIBLE~~~~*

 

[seasons4changing]

I'm so sorry Honey, that life dealt you such sh*tty cards like many of the rest of here.
*I REALLY HOPE that ALL YOUR CURRENT WISHES & DESIRE'S COME TRUE IN THE BEST WAYS POSSIBLE~~~~*

Thank you for your kindness

 

[SmilingNoMore]

Glad you got to spend those moments with your family and sorry about the journey that brought you to this point. You sum it up so well, existence being painful, the surrealness. I hope that your wishes may come true and that you could find a way to stop the tears. Sending you love.

PS. I like your profile pic, the inner beauty radiating from within

 

[I_go_in]

People who SA especially to children should be redacted

 

[GoSan1]

I grew up in the worse parts of Los Angeles . Was SA'd multiple times, abused, beaten, robbed blaming myself for my own weakness.

Told myself those times I was SA'd by strangers and family it was because I wanted it.

Suffering with my mind telling me my thoughts were all individual people. Diagnosed with autism ,dissociative identity disorder, bi polar 1 and PTSD struggling my adult life only thing I did was help contribute to making the most wonderful children I could ever imagine. I'm so proud of them.

Each therapist I had said "time will heal, it will get better." Or "don't ctb because what you're going thru is "temporary". Well I given it a try…year after year after year telling myself my mental health will get better and to see it only got worse. I'm tired of waking up each day not knowing if I'm in reality because the meds fucked me so hard.

Now I'm All checked into my hotel. Plan to ctb tomorrow with SN. I originally planned the morning but it might be pushed to the afternoon my son wants me to watch his YouTube video and I promised I would . I Had some beautiful last moments with my family. Laughed and took a trip down memory lane. Showed my kids all the cool stuff we did together over the years things they could not remember back when I was a better parent . Kids are off to their responsible parent and Now I'm sitting here in the hotel enjoying my last day…it feels surreal. Just been crying all day. Sad and wish my brain was better, wishing I was stronger, wishing I could manage.

All I see is little me crying. Crying because existence is pain and ctb is scary.

So sorry to hear you go through all of this, it's depressing and cruel. I hope you find peace and light, whatever you choose to do.

Just remember, you are strong. You've been going for so long, that takes massive bravery!

 

[Gone soon]

Best wishes

 

[maniac116]

I'm so very sorry that your life has brought you to this point.
Whatever decisions you make, I hope that peace & love find you

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm so sorry life has been so cruel to you. I wish you could stay for your children but I understand how extremely painful ongoing mental illness can be. Wishing you peace in your decision.

 

[SA1994EC]

It is heart-wrenching to see you have had such hardships in your life and have to make the decision. You are still trying to leave a good memory to your children. even under the circumstances. I wish I had some words to ease your pain, but I don't.
Cry as much as you need. No matter what you decide to do, and whatever comes next, I wish your pain would be erased, and your soul would be at peace.

 

[AnderDethsky]

It hurts to realize that you could have expected any improvement so much that life decided to wait until you were completely exhausted.

You have suffered enough and deserve a rest.

I wish you freedom from pain and peace, whether here

or there.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

hoping you find the peace you seek go with love.

 

[toxicjester]

Even in the end you still want your family to be happy, and it absolutely breaks my heart to see someone so kind in so much pain to the point that it drives you to this. I struggle with writing replies to goodbye threads, it's always so gut wrenching and my empathy goes on overdrive and wants nothing more than to reach out and make things okay, or at the very least ease your pain.

I know this is something that must be difficult. But I hope your find your peace, however that may look for you.

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish for you finding rest and peace finally. And going to sleep secure in the knowledge that, though no one is present with you, you are not alone in that we understand, grieve with you for what you are driven to and empathise.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find peace from suffering.

 

[exhumed101]

I grew up in the worse parts of Los Angeles . Was SA'd multiple times, abused, beaten, robbed blaming myself for my own weakness.

Told myself those times I was SA'd by strangers and family it was because I wanted it.

Suffering with my mind telling me my thoughts were all individual people. Diagnosed with autism ,dissociative identity disorder, bi polar 1 and PTSD struggling my adult life only thing I did was help contribute to making the most wonderful children I could ever imagine. I'm so proud of them.

Each therapist I had said "time will heal, it will get better." Or "don't ctb because what you're going thru is "temporary". Well I given it a try…year after year after year telling myself my mental health will get better and to see it only got worse. I'm tired of waking up each day not knowing if I'm in reality because the meds fucked me so hard.

Now I'm All checked into my hotel. Plan to ctb tomorrow with SN. I originally planned the morning but it might be pushed to the afternoon my son wants me to watch his YouTube video and I promised I would . I Had some beautiful last moments with my family. Laughed and took a trip down memory lane. Showed my kids all the cool stuff we did together over the years things they could not remember back when I was a better parent . Kids are off to their responsible parent and Now I'm sitting here in the hotel enjoying my last day…it feels surreal. Just been crying all day. Sad and wish my brain was better, wishing I was stronger, wishing I could manage.

All I see is little me crying. Crying because existence is pain and ctb is scary.

Hello