Venting Ctb this weekend

[GT Darkarage]

It has been too much. This year was more than I can handle.

I have been in therapy and taking meds. I thought letting go the antidepressants was a good idea but it didn't.

I'm actually sitting at a park near my residential. It is in the middle of a little forest I used to play in with my friends when I was a child.

I'm watching the birds, the trees. I wish I was one of them. They born, they live and once they die no one notices it. It is a good life. They just follow their nature.

I don't want to return to home yet. I hate being trapped in my room. But I will have to. I don't have an easy method. My chosen one is psh. God I wish I could just disappear.

Why nature is so comfortable. In other times if you were suicidal you would just go and jump off from a cliff or eat venous plant. Die in the middle of nowhere and maybe no one would find you.

But this is not the case. Now we even do to much more harm to our families by staying at home, at a hotel.

This are the risks of our time.

I have been suicidal since I have memory. Depressed just from a decade ago (maybe if not since I was a kid).

I don't have access to heavy drugs. Yes I have friends that are drug addicts but they for any reason are functional. I'm not.

I will wait till weekend as this week has been another story. An uncle died too.

My family will loose a son too. An uncle, a brother. I hope my parents will resist. I hope they lie for a moment and pretend I died from a disease. If not, that my brothers that are normal, can take care of them.

I hope they can blame me, hate me for what I'm about to do.

I can't pretend I don't care but I do. Yes they damaged me at some point. But it was not their fault. The were not aware of what this illness can do. I really want to cry, I wish I could blame some else but no.

It is me, I'm born broken.
I enjoyed a few things in life but now it is not worthy anymore.

I never thought this time would come. But the main fact is that. I don't really want to try anymore.

I'm like a injured animal. I just want to lay down until death comes. It is ok. It happens all the time.

I wish people understand this feeling. Not for bad. Just because it is real...

 

[purrpetrator]

I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you. I know you said you love nature - please take all the time in the world to just go outside and enjoy the scenery and beauties of life before you go. The sunlight hitting your skin, the birds chirping, the smell of the dew, maybe even playing your favorite music while you explore. Take care my friend. Looks like we will be leaving this Earth around the same time. I don't know what you believe in, but may we see eachother on the other side.