CTB in a happy mood vs. sad mood?

[Vorty30]

Or somewhere in the middle?

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

For me, ideally want to do it while I'm happy. But inevitably I think, it will be a mix of emotions. I think I'll be nervous. My survival instinct is quite strong. I'll be sad, I loved living. But I've also been longing to leave this world, and when I'm in the act of doing so, by then, I can finally feel a genuine sense of achievement, comfort and relief.

 

[Vorty30]

Tell me about the SI dude... Like, every time I am about to set up my rope and chair and all of that mumbo jumbo included, I freeze like I have been paralyzed. That final step, that final element, I can never go through with it. :/
Sucks, big time! I've tried it neutral, more or less happy, I've tried it when I am in my utter misery and on my lowest, nothing ever works. This freaking Tuesday that passed, I was supposed to do it. K, cool. Problem - Place was... Empty, cold, beyond cold and silent. It was dark outside and raining like it never did before. That whole... Atmosphere can sometimes add the whole, I can't do this and SI kicking in I guess. I never figured it out... I thought some final elements in my life, setting them up would make me go through with it, but in the end, I am still stuck. The core element is still missing to go through. Feeling stuck in life and in DEATH is nasty!

And yeah, I am hearing you on that! It's been 17 years since my first attempt, nothing really changed all that much. I am still alone... While looking on FB towards posts of ex childhood friends and such, having moved on with their lives.

Anyways, sorry for the rant... Just pissed off that the last time I tried days ago, nothing went from it once more. But yes, achievement is in fact the proper word here! Thank you for that!

 

[Isolatedloser]

Happy I'm no longer extending my pain, sad that I don't know what happens next.

 

[Vorty30]

Happy I'm no longer extending my pain, sad that I don't know what happens next.

Hell, I hear you! We can never know the truth...

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

Appreciate you for sharing this.

Tell me about the SI dude...

The Human Survival Instinct cannot be under estimated and I learned that the hard way. Here's a story from one of my previous attempts 3 years ago.

This particular attempt was terrible. Or maybe I speak of it so negatively because I did the attempt during my lowest. I used a parachord, attached on a concrete vent above the doorway of my apartment bathroom (see image). Very secure anchor. My hair was long, I grew it for 5 years, no haircut but it was on the way when I'm putting the noose around my neck so i had to cut it. I chugged down 330ml of 80 proof alcohol to get drunk because I know I'm gonna panic.

I stood on the stool, about 2 feet from the floor, put the noose around my neck and hopped off the stool. Sudden intense pressure around the neck, most notably upon the windpipe. I hang for a second or two not being able to breath. It got unbearably uncomfortable, panic sets in and in a state of pure adrenaline and survival insticts, I was able to grab onto the vent, pull my self up and free my neck from the noose. Exhausted and in pain, I laid on the bed planning to make another attempt in an hour. But I was so exhausted and drunk, slept the rest of the day and someone found me after receiving my scheduled emails.

Ligature marks are present, minor wound on hands from gripping the heck out of the rough concrete. Neck, windpipe still sore for around 5 days. Probably sprained my neck. Discomfort sometimes is felt even after few weeks. Upset that I failed an attempt and had to cut my hair short for it. Never went for check up after. Had to to go a mental institution because, now I'm still alive and even more traumatized. 3/10 experience.


Noose

Spoiler: noose

View attachment 181626

So yeah, basically, it's not our fault that we're stuck. And hopefully, whatever choice or path we take, we will one day move on and find peace.

 

[Isolatedloser]

Hell, I hear you! We can never know the truth...

Yeah

 

[memento-mori]

on one hand i want to be happy before i die, on the other hand if i'm happy when I'm supposed to ctb it can make me change my mind.

 

[gottacheckout]

I hope to be happy, at least that is the plan. But it's just as likely it will be during one of my hallucination driven episodes.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I don't think it's possible for me to feel happy, even right before I'll be free from pain. Because I just feel like my entire existence was a tragedy, and death feels unnecessary. I could've just stayed nonexistent. I wish I could be happy that I'm returning to nothingness, but it still feels sad because everything I did in life was a waste.

 

[User111885]

Tell me about the SI dude... Like, every time I am about to set up my rope and chair and all of that mumbo jumbo included, I freeze like I have been paralyzed. That final step, that final element, I can never go through with it. :/

I had the same paralaysis type feeling when i almost shot myself.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm hoping for calm, resigned but determined. I suspect I will be sad and scared though. I think anticipating the imminent process of dying will dull any sense of happiness I might get.

 

[CicisDoingUnwell]

The fact that you are ignoring me on all socials was killing me. I thought you ctb. I am so angry. :) And I think I can be, Vik.

Hope you will get this this tho and will live good.

 

[Vorty30]

The fact that you are ignoring me on all socials was killing me. I thought you ctb. I am so angry. :) And I think I can be, Vik.

Hope you will get this this tho and will live good.

You have your reasons to be angry... It does not make it less painful for those around me that care.
It hurts dude... I am in so much pain constantly. Check your chat here and I will try to return to Discord soon.
As for the rest of the kind people writing here, I will reply later. Day is beyond tiring. Still dealing with the aftermath of what went on too.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

when i am killing myself I'll be happy I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago