Playingwiththedead
Lilah
- Jun 8, 2025
- 116
Quickly coming back on here because im struggling with a lack of people to talk to about everything that wont respond irrationally, the mods caught onto whatever weakness i have that everyone seems to notice and started bullying me, they took away the chat room on my account& are starting on my posts because i stood up for myself so i dont really want to use this website, but some people here still might understand me.
Tomorrow im getting some money and will be able to use it to get a hotel and hang. This is a long time coming that, just begins, with the years of trauma my parents (mostly my mom) gave me that led to me developing C-PTSD. Everyone that has known me for any decent amount of time have all said the same thing, that i seem to get constantly put down by people. I have had to fight my whole life to get just an ounce of empathy and respect whether it be from my family, teachers, friends, boyfriends, "mental health professionals", kids my age when i was in school, any random person, you name it, the default for me has been to get laughed at and not taken seriously. I have been to many different therapists and psychiatrists over the years, all of whom have invalidated anything i couldve possibly said that was wrong, and jumped at the chance to put me on whatever pill was the first one that came to their mind, none of which worked of course, while never fully acknowledging my mother as the reason for most of my mental health issues and helping me get away from/ learn how to deal with her.
I have had suicidal ideations since i was 12 years old, and had also been trying to escape from my toxic household since then. I believe if i had been able to escape when those thoughts first started, maybe with a friend from school, or a boyfriend later on, i couldve ended up living and more easily working through the trauma i had already developed. But i was never "saved", like i so desperately wanted to be, and when i finally got to leave earlier this year, i noticed my PTSD symptoms seeming to get worse than ever. Everytime i fall asleep i get nightmares of me getting killed in various different ways, sexually abused, verbally abused, watching others get killed in the most gory ways, etc, so bad i am developing insomnia because i am scared of experiencing another one. I have such bad anxiety that i am in physical pain as well, mostly in my stomach where i get horrible cramping, and i am in "fight or flight" mode 99% of the time which gives me bad brain fog/makes me feel barely sentient when i get moments of lucidity and realize how much of reality my brain is suppressing.
Eventually i came back home because i realized at this point i am basically doomed and i did not want to put the burden of how i am outwardly on my now-ex. Everywhere i take myself my mind comes with me including the voice of my mother that has implanted itself in my head, so that even when she isnt around i can narcissistically abuse myself.
I do not want to, nor have the energy left in me to try and get whatever kind of therapy is required to heal and not be living in my mind's hell even when im with someone else. I forgot to mention one of the main triggers of my PTSD is school/work and my brain completely shuts down when i attempt them, i cant ever get myself even close to a good enough mental state to work to get a place on my own/start to afford EMDR or whatever. If i did get EMDR id have to get my mom to pay for it and do it while im still living with her which defeats the entire purpose. And i really just want to hurry up&go back to not being in pain.
I hope this silences all the people that essentially told me because im 19 i cannot possibly have experienced real trauma to warrant my "CTB" and that its probably because i must have just went through my first wittle bweakup
I have been failed by nearly everyone and for the few that havent failed me i am sorry, because i am going to fail them.
Tomorrow im getting some money and will be able to use it to get a hotel and hang. This is a long time coming that, just begins, with the years of trauma my parents (mostly my mom) gave me that led to me developing C-PTSD. Everyone that has known me for any decent amount of time have all said the same thing, that i seem to get constantly put down by people. I have had to fight my whole life to get just an ounce of empathy and respect whether it be from my family, teachers, friends, boyfriends, "mental health professionals", kids my age when i was in school, any random person, you name it, the default for me has been to get laughed at and not taken seriously. I have been to many different therapists and psychiatrists over the years, all of whom have invalidated anything i couldve possibly said that was wrong, and jumped at the chance to put me on whatever pill was the first one that came to their mind, none of which worked of course, while never fully acknowledging my mother as the reason for most of my mental health issues and helping me get away from/ learn how to deal with her.
I have had suicidal ideations since i was 12 years old, and had also been trying to escape from my toxic household since then. I believe if i had been able to escape when those thoughts first started, maybe with a friend from school, or a boyfriend later on, i couldve ended up living and more easily working through the trauma i had already developed. But i was never "saved", like i so desperately wanted to be, and when i finally got to leave earlier this year, i noticed my PTSD symptoms seeming to get worse than ever. Everytime i fall asleep i get nightmares of me getting killed in various different ways, sexually abused, verbally abused, watching others get killed in the most gory ways, etc, so bad i am developing insomnia because i am scared of experiencing another one. I have such bad anxiety that i am in physical pain as well, mostly in my stomach where i get horrible cramping, and i am in "fight or flight" mode 99% of the time which gives me bad brain fog/makes me feel barely sentient when i get moments of lucidity and realize how much of reality my brain is suppressing.
Eventually i came back home because i realized at this point i am basically doomed and i did not want to put the burden of how i am outwardly on my now-ex. Everywhere i take myself my mind comes with me including the voice of my mother that has implanted itself in my head, so that even when she isnt around i can narcissistically abuse myself.
I do not want to, nor have the energy left in me to try and get whatever kind of therapy is required to heal and not be living in my mind's hell even when im with someone else. I forgot to mention one of the main triggers of my PTSD is school/work and my brain completely shuts down when i attempt them, i cant ever get myself even close to a good enough mental state to work to get a place on my own/start to afford EMDR or whatever. If i did get EMDR id have to get my mom to pay for it and do it while im still living with her which defeats the entire purpose. And i really just want to hurry up&go back to not being in pain.
I hope this silences all the people that essentially told me because im 19 i cannot possibly have experienced real trauma to warrant my "CTB" and that its probably because i must have just went through my first wittle bweakup
I have been failed by nearly everyone and for the few that havent failed me i am sorry, because i am going to fail them.
