CTB date set - goodbye

[PersonBeforeLife]

My mom does not deserve my effort and also does not care about my asking her to change as long as i can remember. I have been telling her to stop being mean to me in various levels of detail and maturity since i was probably 3 years old and every time i have ever asked ive either been met with "im not doing anything" or something that moves the blame to me

However, it would be kinda cool to go on the 10th anniversary of Chris doing it, its next year, kinda cheesy for me though, i dont want to wait

If you don't mind me asking id like to understand your situation better. How is she mean to you?

 

[Playingwiththedead]

If you don't mind me asking id like to understand your situation better. How is she mean to you?

I hate getting asked this by therapists/psychiatrists because it triggers something in me and i can never respond with as much detail as i would like to. Look up narcissistic abuse and the way those abusers act, she checks every box, &maybe watch mommy dearest, that movie gave me a panic attack the one time i watched it. I cant remember most of my childhood and my brain still actively blocks her out as much as it can since im still living with her! but ill try. Imagine having an advanced psychological game being played with you without you knowing since you were a toddler, having the entire scope of a 40 year old brain that itself has been through narcissistic abuse weaponized against your child self who doesnt understand any of this, having everything you say invalidated/met with hostility, having a screaming match started with you + the threat or act of being humiliated to family or whoever else was around any time you didnt do things absolutely perfect. If i ate too much im going to get fat like mama june, if i havent eaten enough for her liking in a day i better not be getting anorexia, if i played with my toys wrong she would take them out of my hands and show me the correct way to play with them, if i wasnt watching or listening to something she liked (not about age appropriate, just preference) she would talk over it as long as it was on about how much she doesnt like it and why, if i was doing homework and not using the correct book to write over she would take the book/whatever else im using and put the correct book underneath (& that was just the start with schoolwork), if i was getting bullied at school and i told her how she would tell me things like well if you didnt eat so much or if you didnt look at them that way or if you hadnt have been late this morning or if you had ate your lunch or if you didnt get the school lunch or if you hadnt walked over there or if you had not talked to ___ friend, having whatever you showed interest in/ was obligated to do like schoolwork co-oped by her so she could watch closely for any little "mistake" and then yell at and question you intensely for the rest of the day make it feel like the end of the world when you dont do them her way, some things if i did them at all (eventually with schoolwork we would get into knock down drag out arguments over it to the point where i would break down and give her the work like she asked, then once i started giving her my schoolwork she would start a huge fight with me whenever i asked to do it myself, to the point where i just gave up on school had to drop out and get a ged, i went from being an A+ "gifted" student in my earlier years of elementary to C D then F once i became too triggered by school to do the work because of this) When i got to my teen years she would find my crushes and start stalking them online scanning for any defect and then bitching to me about whatever she thinks is wrong with them that i shouldnt be having feelings toward him because of, There is so much i just cant explain out of either fear of being told she just loves you and "wants the best for you" like every single person ever or because i get in a triggering spiral when i think of one thing and then immediately forget it because ive gotten so anxious my brain pushes it down. Ill never be able to explain it fully i dont think. But she is the only person ive lived with for years and i want to kill myself, have nightmares every time i go to sleep with her as the center, am triggered by just her presence, get ridiculously startled and panic at any little noise if my brain interprets it as her, etc, its not my dad like she loves to say because he was never there and its not "genetics" like she also loves to say because nobody else in my family including on my so fucked up dads side is as bad off mentally as me, not one other person has full on cPTSD, when she says "genetics" from my dads side shes making the alcoholism of him and my grandpa into something way bigger

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

I hate getting asked this by therapists/psychiatrists because it triggers something in me and i can never respond with as much detail as i would like to. Look up narcissistic abuse and the way those abusers act, she checks every box, &maybe watch mommy dearest, that movie gave me a panic attack the one time i watched it. I cant remember most of my childhood and my brain still actively blocks her out as much as it can since im still living with her! but ill try. Imagine having an advanced psychological game being played with you without you knowing since you were a toddler, having the entire scope of a 40 year old brain that itself has been through narcissistic abuse weaponized against your child self who doesnt understand any of this, having everything you say invalidated/met with hostility, having a screaming match started with you + the threat or act of being humiliated to family or whoever else was around any time you didnt do things absolutely perfect, having whatever you showed interest in/ also what i was obligated to do like school co-oped by her so she could watch closely for any little "mistake" and then yell at and question you intensely for the rest of the day make it feel like the end of the world when you dont do them her way, some things if i did them at all. There is so much i just cant explain out of either fear of being told she just loves you and "wants the best for you" like every single person ever or because i get in a triggering spiral when i think of one thing and then immediately forget it because ive gotten so anxious my brain pushes it down. Ill never be able to explain it fully i dont think. But she is the only person ive lived with for years and i want to kill myself, have nightmares every time i go to sleep with her as the center, am triggered by just her presence, get ridiculously startled and panic at any little noise if my brain interprets it as her, etc, its not my dad like she loves to say because he was never there and its not "genetics" like she also loves to say because nobody else in my family including on my so fucked up dads side is as bad off mentally as me, not one other person has full on cPTSD, when she says "genetics" from my dads side shes making the alcoholism of him and my grandpa into something way bigger

Have you considered asking her to speak to a psychologist together with you? You might love the result and finally have a sense of validation when the psychologist chews her out Infront of you and admits her to mental health support treatment. But beyond that it's probably the best thing in this situation that you can do for both yourself and her.

 

[Playingwiththedead]

Have you considered asking her to speak to a psychologist together with you? You might love the result and finally have a sense of validation when the psychologist chews her out Infront of you and admits her to mental health support treatment. But beyond that it's probably the best thing in this situation that you can do for both yourself and her.

(I updated my post with more specific examples of her behavior btw) i have done this and with almost every one of them they would spend the whole time giving us non answers like try to be nicer to each other more considerate think before you speak just stupid therapist speak, only one time did i ever have someone that recognized what she was doing and my mom started screaming at her just like she used to scream at me, i got so anxious i started crying and of course i never went back to her, and if i continued to she would find a way to stress me out about going beyond belief until i could break and not go anymore

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

(I updated my post with more specific examples of her behavior btw) i have done this and with almost every one of them they would spend the whole time giving us non answers like try to be nicer to each other more considerate think before you speak just stupid therapist speak, only one time did i ever have someone that recognized what she was doing and my mom started screaming at her just like she used to scream at me, i got so anxious i started crying and of course i never went back to her, and if i continued to she would find a way to stress me out about going beyond belief until i could break and not go anymore

Wow... Is there no way you can get out of that environment?... Seriously get in touch with a suicide helpline for them to get you in touch with a social worker who can go over your options with you but I realise that not every country has social welfare that... Actually isn't awful.