Venting CTB closer than ever

[Polyxo]

I bought aquarium strips to test my SN. I'm pretty confident my stuff is the real deal.

The closer I get to actually catching the bus, the more I become aware of the things trying to keep me alive. Online friends wanting to voice call. Or maybe a vacation next year. Makes me sad thinking that maybe my loved ones will think that I did this to specifically hurt them. Ive never hated anyone in my life except myself.

None of it matters anymore.

I've been pretending to live and the trick isn't working anymore. I was confronted recently as to why I don't have any friends, why Im not eager to have life and experience things. I told them I blamed the pandemic(??? xD). Mentally healthy people will want to pin the blame on external forces. Truth is I don't want any of it because I'm suicidal af. It comes from within me, the desire to die. Ever since I was a kid I've been pretending to live only so others wouldn't see how I feel on the inside. Now that I'm an actual grown human being my deficiencies are so obvious and it's burdening people.

Steeling myself against SI. I wonder how difficult it will be.

 

[cowlover1252]

Your loved ones will not believe you did this to punish them. They will feel hurt. They will feel angry. They may even feel resentful and think that what you did is selfish. But most importantly, they will not stop loving you for being gone. When people CTB, it does not seem spiteful unless they go out of their way to make it look personal.

If you can, spend as much time with them and show them that you love them. If you choose to write a note, that is your chance to reassure them this is about yourself only, while acknowledging regret for what it will put them through. I'm sure somewhere on this forum is a guide detailing how to write a note that will minimize the impact on your loved ones.

To end YOUR own pain and suffering, refusing to live a life YOU don't want to live, is not selfish. They will feel immense pain but they will understand that their emotions are a consequence of your death, not the intention of it.