CTB and Anger

[couragetodie]

anyone here find themselves angrier since they began more seriously considering ctb? Or in general experiencing a lot of emotional shifts — anger, deep sadness, anxiety, and even calm.

 

[Redt2go]

Lots of emotional shifts, no anger but I've always been a mild mannered person...

The most sadness I feel comes when I reconsider living. Lots of things about a future I'd live make me sad... even just considering 4 more years ...

The most calmness and happiness comes with getting rid of my shit and preparing to ctb...

 

[AhG]

anyone here find themselves angrier since they began more seriously considering ctb? Or in general experiencing a lot of emotional shifts — anger, deep sadness, anxiety, and even calm.

Yes, I've experienced these feelings for a bit, and well I still am. It's okay to feel these things when planning your route. But when it's all set and done, with these emotions you feel, you'll decide what you'll want to do.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

Yes I get the emotional shifts very frequently. I have been much angrier after the last recent event that happened in my life to push me over the edge. Since I have decided that I author my own life and when I go, it has brought a calm to me as well.

 

[Crimsonskye]

Sadness and anger in wishing I hadn't already ctb. I'm just wondering when I can finally break the seemingly endless cycle.

 

[First loss]

Yes. Sometimes i start crying or raging for no reason.

 

[Funkbunny]

Very much so. A hell of a lot of anger. Crying at anything, anger or just plain flat. Those are the 3 states I live in.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Yes. I'm riding the ctb emotional roller coaster and one of the loops is anger.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Mainly anger
Wish it wasn't but.. oh well

 

[Crazy I]

Yes. Sometimes i start crying or raging for no reason.

Yeah me too, back then i almost never get angry over some small things. Right now it feels like i began to lose control on my emotions. Sometimes i get angry, then cry, and laugh for no reason. I wonder if theres something wrong with me.

 

[lululoo]

Yes. Anger at not getting things I always wanted and at not being loved and supported. Sometimes then relief. Sometimes almost giddiness. Sometimes fear that I won't do it. Sometimes total acceptance --I mean, I'm gonna die at some point anyway right?

 

[TAW122]

I'm mostly go from deep sadness, dread and anxiety, and occasionally rage. The rage and anger stems from the fact that there are so many ignorant people around and they don't know what is going on and shit, then they spew a bunch of platitudes and are generally unhelpful.

 

[Donewith_]

I find myself angry sometimes with no specific reason, or I was unable to know the reason. I experience emotional fluctuations and I completely feel numb sometimes. I don't really have control anymore. I get frequent headaches due to thinking about this and some other issues in my life. I try to distance myself from people if I feel like I am not in a right state of mind, can't think clearly.

 

[longingforrelease]

I found this place last October~ searching around for anything I could find on making suicide look like an accident so I could,try to spare my Daugher the additional and more complex,grief that comes when a parent of a young child kills,himself. I wasnt 100% percent certain I wanted to ctb, but finding such an amazimg community of sympathetic, non-judgement all fellow, aufferers. And it was,like I wasn't as lonely and isolated as I'd been for the previous 2.5 years. So I very quickly started telling my story of amphetamines and a horrific bipolar journey that cost me everything. But telling more,and more of m story in all its sordid detai;s two,things happened at the same time:as I learned more about the ways I could go it started givimg me some sense of control over my life that I hadn't felt in ages. So, i,start taking some steps I learned fromgood,people, here like write a journal that could be given to her when I'm gone - a clever solution someone gave me here to my dilemma of writing my final good bye to her which obviously i could not do if it's accidental or leaving with out sayimg a final I love you. So as learned these things I became more committed to. My certainty was growing that I could do this. That I didn't have to carry all that shame and remorse and Fegret and that fucking black hole of loss I carried around, and then something happened. I started feeling. better! Just vomiting all that bile left me feeling a lot better. Like well, maybe I don't want to ctb anymore. Maybe I'm can just really make a new start of it here in Thailand. So my desire to ctb started to drop. And then something unexpected happened.. a friend vack in the states noticed before I did. I started to mourn. I mean like there'll process of mourning all that loss. Life crashed so hard and fast that I was just going through the motions of life — feeling nothing but shame guilt etc. but. Ow I had gotten rid of some of that and it allowed me to look more clearly at what happed and I started getting sad. I mean I had long been lonely, shamed all that. But not really just sad — like you should feel when you lose someone you love -,or in my case my wife, my daughter, my career, and all that had given meaning to my life. And I was getting really sad about it fir the first time. So I'm in mourning for the beautiful life I lost. Sadder than when I came her nowmcinfused about the ctb thing.

 

[LongSeason]

I am feeling so fucking angry I want to destroy everything and myself right now.
I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like I'm exploding.
I want to die.

 

[Gray Wounds]

Just anger, so, yeah. I think it's normal though.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

Angry at how stupid I am for wasting time prolonging it.

Knowing that life is a ripoff, yet continuing on anyway. Only because I care about what people think. "He killed himself" makes me ashamed still. How stupid is that? I'm mad that I still have more work to do to conquer this.

Proving to everyone that my life is over and I'm truly miserable is the only way. Hell, I think I've done it. It's time to get going. Hell yes, I'm angry. Life is over. It's time to get the hell out.