darkdivine
Gelt
- Feb 8, 2022
- 18
I was raped again. 18 years later and it happened again. He wasn't violent, but he wouldn't stop, or take no for an answer. I tried to push him away and told him it hurt and he moved my hand and just told me I was nervous. I told him a few times to stop and that I didn't want while it was happening, and even when I was in pain telling him I was in pain, he just kept telling me to relax.
I didn't even realize it was what it was until after it happened. He finished, got up, cleaned himself up, and left. Haven't heard from him since. I don't want to, although I did see him in town walking to his job and it made me want to throw up.
I cried a lot the first few days. I couldn't stay in my apartment either. Everything smelled like him. So, I'm with my mother and probably moving in for awhile until I find another place. I had to go back to my apartment today for the first time in about 5 days and I couldn't even do it by myself. I had to have my mother with me.
My mind feels like it's ready to explode from all of the information I've been given. I saw two psychiatrists, had to go to the ER and get a kit done which was so embarrassing, and I've had appointment after appointment. I've got packets of information and resources, some support, and weed, but I don't feel like me anymore.
I feel dirty, depressed, tired, numb, angry, confused. Part of me feels like I'm an impostor because others have had it so much worse than my experience. Part of me is stuck reliving the moments of my past, mixed with my present now at all hours of the day. And then the last part of me is just so very, very tired of it all.
I feel negative, and hateful. Nothing feels good anymore.
Yet, I am so unbelievably numb.
None of it feels real.
My doctors and my mother keep trying to push me to group therapies or this resource or that one and I just feel like I can't even process what happened. I feel like I'm going to end up back in a state institution and that scares me so much. I'm so sick of everyone having so much control over my life. It isn't fair! I've looked up an old method for ctb. I don't want to go, but it hurts, physically, emotionally, psychologically. I'm just tired of the sickness that is humanity.
Anyways, I needed to get this off my chest to someone, somehow, someway.
I didn't even realize it was what it was until after it happened. He finished, got up, cleaned himself up, and left. Haven't heard from him since. I don't want to, although I did see him in town walking to his job and it made me want to throw up.
I cried a lot the first few days. I couldn't stay in my apartment either. Everything smelled like him. So, I'm with my mother and probably moving in for awhile until I find another place. I had to go back to my apartment today for the first time in about 5 days and I couldn't even do it by myself. I had to have my mother with me.
My mind feels like it's ready to explode from all of the information I've been given. I saw two psychiatrists, had to go to the ER and get a kit done which was so embarrassing, and I've had appointment after appointment. I've got packets of information and resources, some support, and weed, but I don't feel like me anymore.
I feel dirty, depressed, tired, numb, angry, confused. Part of me feels like I'm an impostor because others have had it so much worse than my experience. Part of me is stuck reliving the moments of my past, mixed with my present now at all hours of the day. And then the last part of me is just so very, very tired of it all.
I feel negative, and hateful. Nothing feels good anymore.
Yet, I am so unbelievably numb.
None of it feels real.
My doctors and my mother keep trying to push me to group therapies or this resource or that one and I just feel like I can't even process what happened. I feel like I'm going to end up back in a state institution and that scares me so much. I'm so sick of everyone having so much control over my life. It isn't fair! I've looked up an old method for ctb. I don't want to go, but it hurts, physically, emotionally, psychologically. I'm just tired of the sickness that is humanity.
Anyways, I needed to get this off my chest to someone, somehow, someway.
