GASLIGHTER7000
august
- May 1, 2025
- 50
I feel as if my entire life revolves around happiness and trying to achieve it. I spend every waking day thinking about how happy I am, when my next "period of happiness" will arrive. I find that my life tends to go in an up and down cycle, when it improves (either by itself or through my own effort) before it starts going down hill again. I tend to categorize periods of my life by how happy I was during that time. I'm so fixated on my depression, it feels like it's shrinking my brain. I'm jealous of normal people whom strive for actual achievements, like self improvement, studying, finding a job. I just wish and wait to be happier. My highschool was a STEM focused highschool, so many of my peers were smart people who had genuine interest in STEM and find enjoyment from it. I remember being so jealous of them, and wishing I was similar. I do find enjoyment in some of my interests like games, shows, etc. and I get temporarily hyper fixations on them, but they fade quickly and then I'm back to being depressed and waiting for something else to make me happy. It's such a draining way of life, and it makes me hate myself. My days are blurred- spent waiting for something to bring some spark back into it. I almost think it would be better if I had the ability to just give up and accept being depressed, but thinking back to the times of my life where I was really depressed I couldn't bring myself to feel that way. I'm deluding myself into thinking my life will eventually improve. Maybe it will, but I hate the waiting game I'm playing- and I hate that once that time comes it might be temporary. I'm 19 and the thought that my life could continue this way until I'm older is unbearable.
