Most of the reasons behind me thinking of ctb have to do with finding a career, providing for myself etc. I have massive trouble focusing on school which makes me think of ctb because of how linked it is to being able to provide for myself. If we lived post-scarcity I could live out my life, maybe not happily, but without constant anxiety. Right now I live in constant anxiety. It makes me want to ctb to escape it all. Fear of what it would do to my family makes this nearly impossible, but I know they won't like me around doing nothing either. I so wish I could just disappear. I don't want to exist and I can't bring myself to die. I'm trapped in this torture chamber of an existence. This is the only place I can voice these thoughts. Outside people just tell me I'm lazy or look at me like I'm stupid whenever I voice any of these thoughts. Even the people who are supposed to "help" you. Especially those people.
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