viljalauss
he/they 21
- Aug 22, 2023
- 145
tl:dr: sasu user realises they really don't wanna live. also fuck seizures all my homies hate seizures
i wish i was just talking about getting old at some point. though that itself is uncomfortable - not the idea itself that i will age (unless it's in a female body; then it is so over), more, if anything, the idea that people are in their 'prime years' around the age i am right now and that i'm either wasting them or not living to potential (or both).
rather, there are certain problems with my physical health, some that just won't go away and others that have been getting worse recently. [ok i didn't realise i would be writing this much so.. venting alert.)
tmi and gross but i've long since had
multiple toenail infections which i didn't see a doctor for, partly because i so often thought i'd be dead soon enough not for it to matter, and partly because i thought it was a blood circulation issue and it would go away. it didn't. finally saw a doctor over a year ago, who recommended smth that only works in mild cases [as in the packaging clearly says only use for mild cases], and my case is is not that. i had to go to multiple appointments and multiple iterations of the same process because doctors weren't communicating, then was told i could get [medication that would actually work] after a blood test to check liver function, liver function came back fine - then i was told i had to use the thing they recommended for a year before they'd give me it (note: 1) someone i know taking the same thing got it instantly, and was insistent that i'd be able to 2) it's not addictive or anything). apparently the initial thing they recommended is meant to show a difference in 6 months.. no dice.
ok.. that catty rant aside - after all, it's not getting worse; it's just very bad and stops me from doing certain things. but it is easy enough to hide. my teeth are rapidly getting worse, due to gi issues, zero sugar energy drinks and probably also nicotine teaming up to fight me. i can see my gums receding and it's scary as fuck!! and it hurts sometimes.. i brush twice a day (sometimes more), use mouthwash, try to floss at least once a week, and have had a dentist appointment recently. i definitely need to go again asap but to do that i would have to re-register with my family doctor which is the exact opposite of what i need rn (am trying to move away)
and then. i've been diagnosed epileptic since some months ago after having two TC seizures (and maybe 2/3 absence seizures as well in between them), which itself is not nice to sit with :/ i was fine up until i forgot to take them up till like a week or two ago and they (or at least seizure-like movements) became more frequent. one of them, i couldn't speak for almost 2 hours and had to take a day to recover. had to up my dose and hope for the best. i'm scared of them getting worse. and even now i already hate how they feel (i was fully conscious for the last bad one :/) and just want it to be over whenever it happens and get either very annoyed or very fearful whenever it starts.
i think that's it. i mean, gender dysphoria is a whole different kettle of fish but i think i am okay with waiting for hormones/surgery - social transition and being able to bind (and so mitigating the by far worst physical problem), at least when i can, has helped immensely. unfortunately that does mean environments where i can't bind or be out are unbearable..
but yeah. even if everything else that drove me to here in the first place were to fall away (transphobia included), i don't really want to live with any of these physical problems and their worsening either. unfortunately i cannot really communicate these physical problems and their impact even with people who know i want to ctb apart from the seizures as i would scar them and they would never see me the same. i only feel comfortable here because no one knows me irl
i wish i was just talking about getting old at some point. though that itself is uncomfortable - not the idea itself that i will age (unless it's in a female body; then it is so over), more, if anything, the idea that people are in their 'prime years' around the age i am right now and that i'm either wasting them or not living to potential (or both).
rather, there are certain problems with my physical health, some that just won't go away and others that have been getting worse recently. [ok i didn't realise i would be writing this much so.. venting alert.)
tmi and gross but i've long since had
multiple toenail infections which i didn't see a doctor for, partly because i so often thought i'd be dead soon enough not for it to matter, and partly because i thought it was a blood circulation issue and it would go away. it didn't. finally saw a doctor over a year ago, who recommended smth that only works in mild cases [as in the packaging clearly says only use for mild cases], and my case is is not that. i had to go to multiple appointments and multiple iterations of the same process because doctors weren't communicating, then was told i could get [medication that would actually work] after a blood test to check liver function, liver function came back fine - then i was told i had to use the thing they recommended for a year before they'd give me it (note: 1) someone i know taking the same thing got it instantly, and was insistent that i'd be able to 2) it's not addictive or anything). apparently the initial thing they recommended is meant to show a difference in 6 months.. no dice.
ok.. that catty rant aside - after all, it's not getting worse; it's just very bad and stops me from doing certain things. but it is easy enough to hide. my teeth are rapidly getting worse, due to gi issues, zero sugar energy drinks and probably also nicotine teaming up to fight me. i can see my gums receding and it's scary as fuck!! and it hurts sometimes.. i brush twice a day (sometimes more), use mouthwash, try to floss at least once a week, and have had a dentist appointment recently. i definitely need to go again asap but to do that i would have to re-register with my family doctor which is the exact opposite of what i need rn (am trying to move away)
and then. i've been diagnosed epileptic since some months ago after having two TC seizures (and maybe 2/3 absence seizures as well in between them), which itself is not nice to sit with :/ i was fine up until i forgot to take them up till like a week or two ago and they (or at least seizure-like movements) became more frequent. one of them, i couldn't speak for almost 2 hours and had to take a day to recover. had to up my dose and hope for the best. i'm scared of them getting worse. and even now i already hate how they feel (i was fully conscious for the last bad one :/) and just want it to be over whenever it happens and get either very annoyed or very fearful whenever it starts.
i think that's it. i mean, gender dysphoria is a whole different kettle of fish but i think i am okay with waiting for hormones/surgery - social transition and being able to bind (and so mitigating the by far worst physical problem), at least when i can, has helped immensely. unfortunately that does mean environments where i can't bind or be out are unbearable..
but yeah. even if everything else that drove me to here in the first place were to fall away (transphobia included), i don't really want to live with any of these physical problems and their worsening either. unfortunately i cannot really communicate these physical problems and their impact even with people who know i want to ctb apart from the seizures as i would scar them and they would never see me the same. i only feel comfortable here because no one knows me irl
