Connections with others feel impossible

[byec560]

Hello everyone. Shit has been looking up for me recently, but I've just been so unmotivated even though I have some pretty pressing deadlines coming up. I violated the golden rule tonight and looked at photos of my ex. I found a video where we were in bed and she noticed she was on camera and smiled at me so genuinely. A year later she left me for somebody else and said that she had wanted to for a while. I didn't get her like I thought I did, and I probably still don't. I went crazy for a while and had delusions. Turns out I didn't know myself either. I talk to friends. They don't know shit about their wives, family, or other friends and they don't care to know. Sometimes I tell people some details about my last bad mental breakdown, but they genuinely just don't give a fuck. I sit and I listen as people tell me their problems, but I know if I'm struggling they won't pick up the phone.

If you don't do things for people, they think you're an asshole. If you do, they just start thinking about how they can take more from you. The amount of hatred or otherwise indifference people have for each other is overwhelming. I feel like a rat in a maze, or like I'm in an aquarium watching everyone else from behind a pane of glass. Every time I think I'm getting close to somebody I'm always wrong and end up feeling stupid. But nobody is close to anybody, really. It's all just so senseless. Idk why I bother.

 

[CatGoMeyow]

Are you saying your friends don't know shit about their wives family or others? I kinda had this same realization, but it gave me a lot of hope actually, the opposite effect. I realized basically that married people don't fuck and they don't long for each other. It's sort of like lazy domestication. It helped me recognize that what I'm lacking is actually not a solution and nobody has anything I don't have access to myself. I guess it made the entire world permanently broken for everybody and made me a sibling. Not that that's any consolation prize, but at least I didn't have to feel like I was specially ashamed. I struggle everyday immensely that relationships are broken and connection is busted AF and that really sucks esp. with regards to sex and love which makes you have this howling desire for others but its basically impossible and permanent fucking impossible.

 

[Celerity]

I feel you. You get to feeling lonely and feel terribly sorry for yourself. Then, you look around at your options for company and realize that loneliness is the lesser of two evils. This poem by Charles Bukowski was posted on here a few years back, and it gets a lot of mileage from me in these moments.