Help Confusion

[lostintheloop]

I'm so confused.
I'm pretty numb and out of it (exhaustion and maybe a bit dissociated?).
It feels like time to ctb. When I woke up I was sure but now doubts already.
Not sure I have the energy but I feel too detached to feel scared or sad about ctb so would be good time.
I have very limited time to reset the system or the world falls apart.
If I don't ctb in time, the world collapses.
There is nothing for me in this life and I'm not really here. I just have to destroy this body and it'll be like I never existed.
Idk what to do, I know only I can decide, but I need to hurry.
I hate their method but at least it'd be quick.
I am so sick of this back and forth in my mind.
I'm sure you're all sick of my back and forth posts.
I feel so done.
So why am I still uncertain.
Idk what i'll do.
Part of me wishes I was in hospital so that the responsibility isn't mine.
But that's naive and selfish.
That's a stupid part of me as I've been sectioned before and never want to be again.
There is no solution other than to stop being a coward and ctb.
Yet I waste time with pathetic, self- centred vents.
And i continue to string MH services along when I know I'm not ill.
So evil.
Sorry for all this.

 

[lostintheloop]

Part of me wants to email my care co and explain how desperate I am. How much I can't cope with the voices and pressure. That I'm ready and just deciding if/when to head to the location.
But scared of the consequences . In short term she could either involve crisis team or family without my consent (I currently don't consent to family involvement but she could go against that if believes high risk).
In longer term, many deaths could happen for my cowardice.
What can she do though ? At the start I was told the team could help me protect people but now she says she can only help with my 'distress' .

I just don't want to die so alone, in fear and in a way that traumatises (and risks) others . I know it's wrong but it's also for the greater good. I'm so torn and it really is my last chance soon.
Before, they gave me dates to ctb but now they given me the date the world starts to collapse if I don't do this.
How can I be so self serving and selfish to ignore that ?

 

[NoPoint2Life]

No one thinks you are a coward, selfish, or is wasting our time on here. We just all wants to see you feel better. I can only say if you have doubts then don't do it. We are here for you.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I don't have much to add on, but I completely agree with NoPoint2Life. No one thinks you're a coward or is judging you in any way. As people have pointed out in the other threads you've made, if you're not ready, you're not ready.

I don't mean to come off as brash or anything, but is this possibly an episode of psychosis? I think you should reach out to the care co, even if they can only help with your distress as she said. You seem very distressed as it is.

 

[lostintheloop]

No one thinks you are a coward, selfish, or is wasting our time on here. We just all wants to see you feel better. I can only say if you have doubts then don't do it. We are here for you.

I don't have much to add on, but I completely agree with NoPoint2Life. No one thinks you're a coward or is judging you in any way. As people have pointed out in the other threads you've made, if you're not ready, you're not ready.

I don't mean to come off as brash or anything, but is this possibly an episode of psychosis? I think you should reach out to the care co, even if they can only help with your distress as she said. You seem very distressed as it is.

Thank you both so much for your understanding.

@ThatStateOfMind My care-co is already aware of the pressure to ctb soon (but not exact date) and also aware of why i have to etc . Just maybe not how it's getting worse, how close and the details. So idk what else she can do really other than support i'm already getting. Probably just make things worse.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Thank you both so much for your understanding.

@ThatStateOfMind My care-co is already aware of the pressure to ctb soon (but not exact date) and also aware of why i have to etc . Just maybe not how it's getting worse, how close and the details. So idk what else she can do really other than support i'm already getting. Probably just make things worse.

I understand. It's completely understandable and up to you whether you reach out to them. I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything if you don't want to.

 

[Whale_bones]

I'm glad to see a thread from you! Though very sorry you're dealing with such feelings of confusion and guilt. It's understandable given what you're going through.

If psychiatric units were places that could be counted on to be safe, I'd say that could potentially be a good thing for you; a way to give you a break from all the pressure of making the decision, a way to take it out of your hands for atleast a bit, and maybe give you time to reset in a way.

It's a huge shame that going into a psych unit, even fully voluntarily, takes away nearly all your rights. It's such a gamble, as we've talked about both having experiences with great and awful MH providers before.

I've heard of "peer respites" in the US, which are actually voluntary, home-like environments that are staffed by other people with lived experience of mental illness, trauma and/or the mental healthcare system. But I can't find a UK version of that; maybe they exist, just with a different name for them. If your current MH provider is easy to reach out to, maybe call or send her a message and ask if she knows of something like that in your area?

I think it shows you're damn strong to be going through this and consistently trying to do the right thing. Even considering something like the psych unit when you've had a really bad experience in the past. That takes a strong will. And you may not be able to give yourself credit for it, but I will

 

[lostintheloop]

Still here like a disgusting virus .
Sorry

I am so fucked though. Well & truly.
It's all going to go bad
Someone at least has to
Idk what or where or who or how or what is happening
This has to come to a stop somehow
Shit
Sorry
It's almost here
No turning back now

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

I wish the healthcaresystem worked better and had more to offer. All I can say is I DON'T want to see you leave.
It's still your call, and always will be. Either way I'll support your choice, even when it's with pain in my heart.

And you aren't a virus. Never had a virus ask me how I was doing !

 

[2messdup]

I'm glad to see a thread from you! Though very sorry you're dealing with such feelings of confusion and guilt. It's understandable given what you're going through.

If psychiatric units were places that could be counted on to be safe, I'd say that could potentially be a good thing for you; a way to give you a break from all the pressure of making the decision, a way to take it out of your hands for atleast a bit, and maybe give you time to reset in a way.

It's a huge shame that going into a psych unit, even fully voluntarily, takes away nearly all your rights. It's such a gamble, as we've talked about both having experiences with great and awful MH providers before.

I've heard of "peer respites" in the US, which are actually voluntary, home-like environments that are staffed by other people with lived experience of mental illness, trauma and/or the mental healthcare system. But I can't find a UK version of that; maybe they exist, just with a different name for them. If your current MH provider is easy to reach out to, maybe call or send her a message and ask if she knows of something like that in your area?

I think it shows you're damn strong to be going through this and consistently trying to do the right thing. Even considering something like the psych unit when you've had a really bad experience in the past. That takes a strong will. And you may not be able to give yourself credit for it, but I will

In the UK, crisis teams have crisis houses which sound very similar to your peer respites. It's voluntary and you are relatively independent. The crisis team visit daily to help the people living there. It's time limited ie you go there just for a break from everything.

Thank you both so much for your understanding.

@ThatStateOfMind My care-co is already aware of the pressure to ctb soon (but not exact date) and also aware of why i have to etc . Just maybe not how it's getting worse, how close and the details. So idk what else she can do really other than support i'm already getting. Probably just make things worse.

I'm sure she can do more if you ask. Please tell her. Give her all the details including the date. How can you know what she can do for you if you don't ask?

 

[Whale_bones]

In the UK, crisis teams have crisis houses which sound very similar to your peer respites. It's voluntary and you are relatively independent. The crisis team visit daily to help the people living there. It's time limited ie you go there just for a break from everything.

Peer respites are specifically run by non-clinicians, people that have never worked in the mental health system and are just fellow people with lived experience. I haven't gone to one personally, but my understanding is it's intentionally done so it's a non-clinical environment, there's no diagnosing or assessment, no monitoring or questioning or recording. Peer respites are the only thing I've heard of that's actually people with lived experience simply offering emotional/mental support to each other, and it's often very effective.

Timetodie has mentioned many times that the crisis team is particularly triggering for her, something that makes things worse for her and not something she's willing to consider. I know she's well aware that's an option, so I was trying to think of something new/different and that's why I mentioned peer respites.