Conflicting character

[whatevs]

I'm a conflicting character in the grand charade of life. Like many, I don't appreciate existence/society/the whole ordeal very much, but I don't want to end my life either. I feel like my chronic illness is really forcing my hand inch by inch, though. This ambivalent position of mine was aptly summarized by RichieFromBoston as "you are like the guy to goes to a party, complains about the drinks but doesn't leave" looool

I also don't get all the people in here talking about how peaceful and comforting that death is. Regaining my health would be comforting. Suicide would just be a desperate solution, like deleting a saved game because you distributed poorly the attribute points of the protagonist in a RPG. I understand you should come to terms with death since it's going to happen anyway, but I am not there.

 

[jimmy7754]

"I didn't write a good story.. to my life."

 

[whatevs]

"I didn't write a good story.. to my life."

The thing about people that would never even dream of posting in this forum is that, even though the majority of persons are closer to a failure than a success, they have robust self-defense mechanisms and coping reflexes. I have noticed self-loathing is very common among the suicidal, while among normal people you see that they (logically and healthily) have an aggrandizing bias regarding their worth/role.

I would want to have that healthy, slightly-deluded self-image. I mean, we already have a delusional self-image that is too negative in here, from what I have seen. I want to be able choose the right delusion, y'know?

 

[jimmy7754]

I almost had it. But I've been walking on egg shells for sometime now and fell apart.

Suicide is so difficult and I feel depression has a lot to do with being very, very confused. The thing that pushes people like me to the edge is getting in your 30s not being married and making enough money.. and being independent. My dad passed away and my mom is having health problems. My grandparents are all dead. My support system is falling apart. I didn't integrate with another family through marriage and did not solidify a job with benefits. It's the same story you hear all the time. I wasn't a dumb, bad person but when the world starts beating you down you become bitter, confused and angry. I don't know what to do.

I could try and think things through again but I am self-loathing. I hate it. But now it's real pain.. because I could be homeless.

 

[Pluto]

I have noticed self-loathing is very common among the suicidal, while among normal people you see that they (logically and healthily) have an aggrandizing bias regarding their worth/role.

Studies typically show that the average person regards themselves as above average. This is sometimes referred to the above average effect, or illusory superiority. Most people here show the opposite, which in some cases could a product of time spent around purportedly 'superior' people (i.e. bullies, narcissists, etc.) during formative years.

Interesting to note that these perspectives are delusional regardless of whether they are positive or negative. Could be used as a segue to a more profound introspection!

 

[Painless_end]

I understand what you mean. I feel the same way. What kind of chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind sharing ?

I have an aversion towards doing a job and becoming financially independent. Well it's not that I wouldn't like those things, it's just that there's something that makes me feel unsatisfied deeply and it has to do with a core part of my personality being weak and unstable. Due to this, I missed out on doing something that I should have done.

Now I am 32, unemployed, living with parents.

I want to die but I can't make myself do it.

 

[whatevs]

Studies typically show that the average person regards themselves as above average. This is sometimes referred to the above average effect, or illusory superiority. Most people here show the opposite, which in some cases could a product of time spent around purportedly 'superior' people (i.e. bullies, narcissists, etc.) during formative years.

Interesting to note that these perspectives are delusional regardless of whether they are positive or negative. Could be used as a segue to a more profound introspection!

This is an illuminating explanation for at least some of our cases. I really think at least one of my parents is a narc or has the beat-you-down routines of one. I didn´t suffer a lot of bullying in my childhood, but often people would pick up that I was both very vulnerable and very belligerant and it would tempt then to strike me down almost effortlessly and amuse themselves with my reactions. I suffered the standard amount of rejection and isolation that anyone with an actual "mental health problem" has to endure.

That leaves me alone with my parents. Was it them? Was the child sexual abuse by my cousin, minor compared with actual rape, but traumatizing enough for me to supress the memories until I was 17 years old? Was it the lack of support and preoccupation by my parents and extended family once I started talking about it? I had to fight with my parents for months until they started recognizing that it might have contributed to me becoming a fuck-up, and it was only because my sister supported me in that battle.

Yes, I have noticed many times now that something is very off with my parents, but they really tried their best, they aren´t willingly harmful. It´s some kind of deficit of empathy and a feeling that you are supported financially but not emotionally.

I understand what you mean. I feel the same way. What kind of chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind sharing ?

I have an aversion towards doing a job and becoming financially independent. Well it's not that I wouldn't like those things, it's just that there's something that makes me feel unsatisfied deeply and it has to do with a core part of my personality being weak and unstable. Due to this, I missed out on doing something that I should have done.

Now I am 32, unemployed, living with parents.

I want to die but I can't make myself do it.

I have unrefreshing sleep, which might be heuristically referred to as "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome". This means: no concentration, no memory, no sense of humor, no libido, no energy, and a haggard, sad look.

I also have crippling social anxiety and such low confidence that I have never learned to drive.

Right now I am finishing a programming course of two years and if I do all that I am supposed to I will land in a job that will likely be from home, but I am crumbling under the pressure. I am not sure what I want to do with my life. If I continue to sleep like this my life won´t be worth living, regardless of becoming "a money-making adult" or not.

 

[LADY007]

The thing about people that would never even dream of posting in this forum is that, even though the majority of persons are closer to a failure than a success, they have robust self-defense mechanisms and coping reflexes. I have noticed self-loathing is very common among the suicidal, while among normal people you see that they (logically and healthily) have an aggrandizing bias regarding their worth/role.

I would want to have that healthy, slightly-deluded self-image. I mean, we already have a delusional self-image that is too negative in here, from what I have seen. I want to be able choose the right delusion, y'know?

I think the phrase "I hate myself" is a quick way of expressing immense frustration. There is always a situation, fear, a thought that something is threatening them or hurt that is the root cause of hate. I think deep disappointment is behind many hate statements. The person wishes they could of succeeded more or had a better nervous system that allowed them to be more than they turned out to be, etc.

 

[Pluto]

Yes, I have noticed many times now that something is very off with my parents, but they really tried their best, they aren´t willingly harmful. It´s some kind of deficit of empathy and a feeling that you are supported financially but not emotionally.

I have the low energy thing too. I sleep a crazy amount when I have a chance. But that part is probably just common or garden depression.

Assessing childhood is very difficult for a number of reasons. There are thousands of factors that contribute to the end product, yet we can only really process one at a time for analytical purposes. We rely on comparisons with others to define what is 'normal' or 'acceptable', and yet there is also the subjective factor since different individuals will cope differently with an otherwise identical challenge. It definitely helps to have some sort of external point of reference though, especially considering we are all inherently prone to grossly distorted perspectives about ourselves.

 

[jimmy7754]

I understand what you mean. I feel the same way. What kind of chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind sharing ?

I have an aversion towards doing a job and becoming financially independent. Well it's not that I wouldn't like those things, it's just that there's something that makes me feel unsatisfied deeply and it has to do with a core part of my personality being weak and unstable. Due to this, I missed out on doing something that I should have done.

Now I am 32, unemployed, living with parents.

I want to die but I can't make myself do it.

Seems like we're both in the same boat. I'm in NY and it's bad because we're "young." I can't believe 10 years ago was my bachelors and I'm in the position I'm in now. It's frightening and upsetting.. has to do with my personality and my instability. On top of all this my father died midway through my 20's. Life isn't fair and it only satisfies those who are go getters. If your like me you didn't take a chance at getting somewhere better for your own well-being.

 

[Painless_end]

Seems like we're both in the same boat. I'm in NY and it's bad because we're "young." I can't believe 10 years ago was my bachelors and I'm in the position I'm in now. It's frightening and upsetting.. has to do with my personality and my instability. On top of all this my father died midway through my 20's. Life isn't fair and it only satisfies those who are go getters. If your like me you didn't take a chance at getting somewhere better for your own well-being.

Yes. Very similar. Sorry to hear about your father.

I should have taken a once in a lifetime chance to do something that I cannot do now.

I live on the edge of a blade now.

 

[jimmy7754]

Yes. Very similar. Sorry to hear about your father.

I should have taken a once in a lifetime chance to do something that I cannot do now.

I live on the edge of a blade now.

I'm 32 and barely employed. What was it that you missed?

 

[Painless_end]

I'm 32 and barely employed. What was it that you missed

Something that would have taken my career in a new direction forever. Something that would have changed my life forever.

Something that is no longer available to me.

I feared and had to let it go. Now I am in a rather difficult position directly because of it.