Venting College makes me want to kill myself

[blahblahb]

I got here like a week and a half ago and I hate it so fucking much. I'm dorming, which is even worse since I can't really "leave" campus. I'm pretty far from home and honestly even if I went back, there's not much to go back to.

I just found out the people in my pod call my dorm the "mystery dorm" which makes me feel even more pathetic. It's called the mystery dorm because they don't know me or my roommates. It sucks cause I did introduce myself to everyone, I just don't think anyone remembered me. It didn't even really go that great when I introduced myself. I feel like I kinda just got ignored mostly and it was pretty awkward. I have no common interests with anyone here and it's so painfully obvious. The only meaningful thing people can say about me is that I'm "actually nice" (omg shock) and "super quiet".

Every day's another aura loss and it builds up. Maybe I'll trip one day over the stairs or I'll take too long in line at the dining hall the next. It's not really about any of that though. It's about the stares and the judgement that pierces through you when that kind of stuff happens. Like you just know people hate you in that moment. I wish I had any fucking social skills. Maybe I'd be able to find a niche of people who actually like being around me if I could socialize at all. But honestly, I don't think any group of people would like me.

My classes suck, my dorm sucks, everything fucking sucks. I wish I never came here. I can't give up and go home, but I can't keep doing this either. It honestly seems like suicide is the only way out of this. I thought about killing myself in the past, but not to this degree. Back in middle school and high school, suicide was like a call for help. Now it seems like a real genuine solution. Killing myself seems like the only possible way to get out of this. I just wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish I could have that college experience everyone talks about. This sucks.

 

[literallynoone]

Hey man that's painfully relatable, have you checked any clubs avaliable in your uni? You guys got a gym in your dorm? Size wise how many ppl go to your college?

 

[EmptyBottle]

one thing that helped me is walking around, eg thru a underpass at the train station and near some stores (where I got a tiny $3 brownie)

getting fresh air also helped, as well as jogging a little (eg to save a bit of time)

no idea how helpful or useless the above tips are, just sharing coz they helped me.

 

[literallynoone]

one thing that helped me is walking around, eg thru a underpass at the train station and near some stores (where I got a tiny $3 brownie)

getting fresh air also helped, as well as jogging a little (eg to save a bit of time)

no idea how helpful or useless the above tips are, just sharing coz they helped me.

This OP. I thought I rolled a d20 when I got a one person dorm in university but the level of isolation this has caused me has been insane. During weeks leading up to finals I spend 2 weeks straight in my shoebox size dorm only going out to get stuff from grocery store to cook food. My routine became wake up -> play a cs game -> go to store -> get back -> study till my eyes hurt from the white pdfs - > play cs with friends - > sleep. I was really and I mean really close to just ending it all but in a moment of clarity I went out, walked to a near kebab place, got food, came back and it dawned on me how fucking pointless this all was.

It's university, these people don't matter OP. I get it I used to be like you too, I am to some extend still. Caring about other peoples opinions, looking over my shoulder, dying of cringe if i did something stupid. But the moment you embrace it, you realize everybody around you has things that keep them up at night, you win.

I'll give you one of my things I did that keep me up at night: Met a guy on a bus few years back, chill dude turns out he lives close by. We were walking together and I get to my house. I turned around to him and said something to the affects of "I'd walk you back but I've got stuff I need to do" to which me laughed or looked at me weird said "Bye" and walked away. I got home talked to my mom and she just went "I get him, it sounded like you were hitting on him". At that point I thought I was gonna die of cringe. And you know what? I still do, but it doesn't matter. Even if he remembers it and everytime he walks past my house with his buddies he says "oh here lives that guy (probably used the f-word tbh) that tried to hit on me" what difference does it make? None.

The first point to not being a complete social idiot is to realize everyone is socially stupid to some extend and that's okay. Embrace it when you can, ignore it when you can't. It's hard but you'll get there, I believe in you.

 

[blahblahb]

Hey man that's painfully relatable, have you checked any clubs avaliable in your uni? You guys got a gym in your dorm? Size wise how many ppl go to your college?

They're having a club fair today actually, so I'm gonna check it out. We don't have a gym in the dorm necessarily, but I think there might be a planet fitness nearby. Either way, I'm not really the type to work out. I kinda don't have that motivation to. Around 17,000 people go to school here

one thing that helped me is walking around, eg thru a underpass at the train station and near some stores (where I got a tiny $3 brownie)

getting fresh air also helped, as well as jogging a little (eg to save a bit of time)

no idea how helpful or useless the above tips are, just sharing coz they helped me.

It's been really hot recently but that doesn't sound like a bad idea. I was honestly considering it so I appreciate the advice :)

 

[literallynoone]

They're having a club fair today actually, so I'm gonna check it out. We don't have a gym in the dorm necessarily, but I think there might be a planet fitness nearby. Either way, I'm not really the type to work out. I kinda don't have that motivation to. Around 17,000 people go to school here

Club fair is perfect then for 17k people you're defo gonna find something you find intresting and then it's gonna be alot easier. Especially if its some nerdy stuff, people over there will get you being socially inept.
I was thinking gym because just being there is a good way to socialize

 

[blahblahb]

To update, I went to the club fair which was nice. I found a club I really like so I'll check it out sometime. I still feel like shit though cus I don't know shit about what we're learning in our math class. I think I'm the dumbest one there. I'm probably gonna have to go to the tutoring center sometime and hope for the best, but honestly I don't even know if I have the will to atp.