Christmas is the Worst

[Kobusu]

I know that we all know it, but Christmas is just awful. I don't even know when I started hating Christmas personally, even when I was in my most unstable situations as a child, I felt excitement and solace in the buildup. Lately it's just felt like I have to prepare. I think my urges to ctb come in waves, and the hardest is Christmas for me. At the start of December I start to almost "build up the breakwaters," in a sense. It feels worse when it feels like there should be nothing to be so despondent over. Inevitably the waves end up reaching a dangerous point anyways. I know many people have it just as bad, if not worse. I hope everyone is okay this holiday season.

When I was young I used to love the Winter. Now it just feels like another thing stripped of joy.

 

[monetpompo]

i feel the same. i think the loneliness from knowing that all my friends are hanging out with their family or their loved ones instead of me is just going to make me extremely depressed. i hate my family and we never do anything on any holiday. i thought that the winter would make me happy because of how much i hated the heat of the summer, but now i just seem to hate every season because i know that i have no one to make plans with or to be excited to see. everything's just pointless.

 

[Mortelles]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can relate to wanting to ctb when Christmas comes around one of my almost completed attempts was two days before Christmas in 2020. If you need someone to vent to I'm here for you.

 

[Kobusu]

i feel the same. i think the loneliness from knowing that all my friends are hanging out with their family or their loved ones instead of me is just going to make me extremely depressed. i hate my family and we never do anything on any holiday. no one is really excited when any holiday rolls around. i thought that the winter would make me happy because of how much i hated the heat of the summer, but now i just seem to hate every season because i know that i have no one to make plans with or to be excited to see.

Yeah, it's really discomforting. Maybe it's just a loss of the innocence we had as children, maybe it's something all adults deal with. I have no clue myself, but recently I've been coping by telling myself that it's something every adult feels, and just not something every one of us is equipped to handle. Maybe it's loneliness, but it feels too convenient an answer for me.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can relate to wanting to ctb when Christmas comes around one of my almost completed attempts was two days before Christmas in 2020. If you need someone to vent to I'm here for you.

Christmas 2021 was my first holiday after my stint in the ward. It always weighs so heavy. I used to fantasize about leaving on Christmas. I can only hope your Christmas now is better than it was before, friends.

 

[outrider567]

Fourth year alone after her death, hate and despise this time of year--It used to be our favorite time of year, we'd go out and just drive around and look at all the Christmas lights on peoples houses, some streets were amazing, we used to watch Christmas movies together (not Hallmark), our fav was the 1938 version of A Christmas Carol(1938), colorized, just an hour long

 

[Pluto]

 

[Eriktf]

tried being alone last year that was so good, i could easily been with ppl but choosed to be alone, this year im either alone or in rehab

 

[Shiitake]

I know that we all know it, but Christmas is just awful. I don't even know when I started hating Christmas personally, even when I was in my most unstable situations as a child, I felt excitement and solace in the buildup. Lately it's just felt like I have to prepare. I think my urges to ctb come in waves, and the hardest is Christmas for me. At the start of December I start to almost "build up the breakwaters," in a sense. It feels worse when it feels like there should be nothing to be so despondent over. Inevitably the waves end up reaching a dangerous point anyways. I know many people have it just as bad, if not worse. I hope everyone is okay this holiday season.

When I was young I used to love the Winter. Now it just feels like another thing stripped of joy.

Christmas for me is seeing snow fall and just walking outside, at my worst i would go into a forest and just lay in the thick snow.
I think christmas is awesome cause it gives incentive for greedy corporations to pretend like everything is fine, i feel jolly, and everyone around me feel jolly lol

 

[joey2424]

Christmas highlights my loneliness. It's also a reminder that even when I'm meant to be happy - when everyone is happy, and celebrating - I'm still a depressed mess. This thing that everyone seems universally excited for, doesn't bring me any joy. But a lot of people feel this way about it, not just us.

I actually feel a similar wave of darkness when the weather starts to get nice in spring/summer. The sun and better weather is good for my depression, but it also reminds me that there's something wrong with me. I don't have all these plans everyone else has, I don't become "happy" now that it's warm out. But ya.. Christmas has more layers.

 

[catsalvation]

Christmas amplifies my loneliness and isolation. I can't stand it. I took out the least possible amount of holidays because I just go mad at home alone. Already started. Yesterday my ex whom ghosted me after 3 years showed up briefly, but it just triggered me. I thought maybe he wants to reconcile but no, it was just some kind of 'polite' visit.
Now my mind plays cruel games on me, blames me for everything, I can't imagine a future when I'll be ever loved again, or that anything good is ahead of me. I'm just crying and crying all day.

 

[unluckysadness]

I hate Christmas too but I like Jesus (I'm not religious but Jesus was rebel and revolutionary and I like it). It's Jesus Christ's birthday and nobody cares about Him.
In fact I hate modern Christmas (since marketing ruined it). Everything is about money nowadays, and it became a dictatorship of joy.
If God read these lines, He can perform some miracles for us.
So dear God, I am becoming an atheist because of my miserable life and all this suffering, so this is the best time of the year to show your power !

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I agree. This year I'm very lucky to be in a country where it's not celebrated and I'll be working like normal! I'm almost looking forward to it, because I feel like I'm skipping it. New Year's is the one I'm dreading, so I'll probably spend the eve here with you guys. So happy to have found this site, and never thought I'd need it in times of loneliness as opposed to just finding a way to kill myself.

 

[LonelyPrince]

I know that we all know it, but Christmas is just awful. I don't even know when I started hating Christmas personally, even when I was in my most unstable situations as a child, I felt excitement and solace in the buildup. Lately it's just felt like I have to prepare. I think my urges to ctb come in waves, and the hardest is Christmas for me. At the start of December I start to almost "build up the breakwaters," in a sense. It feels worse when it feels like there should be nothing to be so despondent over. Inevitably the waves end up reaching a dangerous point anyways. I know many people have it just as bad, if not worse. I hope everyone is okay this holiday season.

When I was young I used to love the Winter. Now it just feels like another thing stripped of joy.

I sorta feel like you do.
it's the thought of knowing that it's supposed to be a joyful time, that people are out there hanging out with their families and having a fun time while you drown in your suffering alone.
Holiday season is the worst.

 

[cakedog]

I don't exactly hate christmas but i really can't enjoy it in my current situation i wanted to ctb before the 25 but seems like i'll have to wait

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate. It seems particularly cruel to have bad memories associated with Christmas too because the reminders come earlier and earlier each year- in the form of merchandise.

 

[LetMeOut67]

Every Xmas day for the last 20 years I've woken on Xmas morning with a feeling of dread that's absolutely unique to this one goddamn day.

 

[birthdayboy]

Christmas only highlights the potential for happiness that exists all around me, yet I am unable to achieve. Christmas makes my spouse even more angry and abusive.

I held onto that childhood joy for many years, but when I live in fear and this constant fight-or-flight that's necessary to survive in this home, it's impossible to muster.

One year when I was an active alcoholic I started to self harm to the point that my husband called the police on me. I spent Christmas Eve in jail, and honestly? It was so peaceful compared to home. I don't want much, just to be able to live without being constantly yelled at, belittled, and accused of things I'd never do. Just to *not* wonder when something else will fly across the room or be broken for the slightest reason or no reason. To wonder if another tracker has been placed on my phone or on my car, or if he'll somehow find my posts here.

In jail, I could actually talk to people without fear, sit and play a card game without people complaining it was stupid and Bad ,or that I was stupid and Bad.

And when they released me on Christmas Day, a bunch of people took me to a Christmas buffet before going home. It was so very nice and thoughtful of them, and I'm very grateful to this day for the kindness shown me, even to an alcoholic/addict like myself.

So yeah, most chill Christmas I had in the past decade was in jail.

So if I can somehow navigate through this, I might not CTB.

But I'm afraid I'm irreparably damaged and broken. Not sure I can find happiness again. But I guess I'll try because what have I to lose.

Anyway, sorry I went off on a tangent about myself. This site is the only place I talk about shit other than my one friend on discord, and I have to censor myself a bit for him because people get off-put by talking to openly about wanting to CTB y'know


I sympathize with how you feel, and you expressed it well.