Change of plans

[breadliker123]

Im CTB-ing today, not tomorrow.
The earlier I try it, the more time I have to retry if I fail.

I'm minutes away from visiting my mother, and I decided that overthinking the letter would just end up making me hesitate more, and thus, elongating the process.

After the visit, I'm going back home, locking myself in the bathroom under the guise of shaving my legs (which I already did earlier) + being sick in the stomach (lie which I've been working on since yesternight), then going ahead and doing it.

Theres not much to narrate from here on, so I don't think I'll be updating too much.

My best regards to anyone in here looking for a way out just as I am. May God bring you peace and may she bless you in your next life

 

[locked*n*loaded]

May you find the peace you deserve.

 

[darksouls]

love and peace to you

 

[breadliker123]

Update.
I'm back from seeing my mother. I hugged her one last time and told her a love her a lot.
All of my letters are written and labeled.
Im now watching a movie with my dad. I know that right after it finishes, he'll fall asleep. Then, I'll have all night for myself, and hopefully I'll go then.

 

[WaZedon]

I'm sorry you feel the need to do this, but nevertheless, I do hope you're met with serenity and peace in the afterlife. All the best to you!

Update.
I'm back from seeing my mother. I hugged her one last time and told her a love her a lot.
All of my letters are written and labeled.
Im now watching a movie with my dad. I know that right after it finishes, he'll fall asleep. Then, I'll have all night for myself, and hopefully I'll go then.

I don't think I'd ever be able to maintain my calmness if I knew I was dying the next couple of hours. Considering your steadfastness in this, I can tell you've made up your mind. Once again, I wish you all the best!

 

[breadliker123]

I'm sorry you feel the need to do this, but nevertheless, I do hope you're met with serenity and peace in the afterlife. All the best to you!

I don't think I'd ever be able to maintain my calmness if I knew I was dying the next couple of hours. Considering your steadfastness in this, I can tell you've made up your mind. Once again, I wish you all the best!

I'm just tired of chickening out as I always do. Though I guess my typing style is making me pass off as more calm than I already am. I'm actually really freaking out! Less than my last attempts, yes, but my eyes have been waterfalls all day haha.

Thank you for the kinds words nonetheless

 

[WaZedon]

I'm just tired of chickening out as I always do. Though I guess my typing style is making me pass off as more calm than I already am. I'm actually really freaking out! Less than my last attempts, yes, but my eyes have been waterfalls all day haha.

Thank you for the kinds words nonetheless

It might not be the right time to ask you this, but, do you have any regrets? If you're fed up explaining yourself, I totally get it. We all have our reasons for wanting to pass on to the next life. I'm just curious as to why you're doing this. Plus, what do you expect to see or do in the afterlife?

 

[breadliker123]

It might not be the right time to ask you this, but, do you have any regrets? If you're fed up explaining yourself, I totally get it. We all have our reasons for wanting to pass on to the next life. I'm just curious as to why you're doing this. Plus, what do you expect to see or do in the afterlife?

Don't worry, I don't mind answering. Any human interaction is welcomed right now haha.

Regrets. I'd probably say not talking about my issues.
I know all of my problems might've been better if I had just voiced them out loud. My family is too darn supportive, but I guess I was just too emotionally shut off to open up, and bottling everything up has made me come to where I am right now.
And in the afterlife, I guess I'm just waiting for hell, as everyone else is. Hopefully my stay there won't be long and my next life is luckier than this. I think I've been good enough for that at least.

 

[s00ngone]

I wish you the most peace. I'm so very torn on going today too, and the thought of going with "company" seems strangely comforting. I hope any pain is minimal and your relief, infinite.

 

[breadliker123]

Last update hopefully.
The movie is finished. We watched Sinners if anyone was wondering.

I think I'm having a panic attack? Or something alike. My hands are shaking real bad.
I'm waiting to get down from this and go through with the plan.
I'm really darn scared.

 

[loud&empty]

Wishing you good luck and peace as much as can be had.

 

[alliecake]

I wish you the best of luck. Sending my love

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best, I hope you find the relief you search for.

 

[s00ngone]

How are you doing? Are you still with us? Whatever the case, I hope you've found some peace.

 

[breadliker123]

I failed like a dumbass.
Yesternight I calmed down from the panic attack and tried to go through with the plan, but the moment I started getting dizzy, I freaked out and gave up.
I figured I could sleep for one last time and try again in the morning. Which I did, and then failed miserably again.
This time I started crying while I already had the rope around my neck.
I realized that cutting while doing it helped me calm down, but I panicked so much that somehow I ended up on the floor just crying and blading myself.
I gave up. My mom texted me right after I came to my senses asking me how my morning was and I felt too bad to go through with everything.

Thanks everyone for their kind words. Sadly today was not my day

 

[unluckysadness]

I failed like a dumbass.
Yesternight I calmed down from the panic attack and tried to go through with the plan, but the moment I started getting dizzy, I freaked out and gave up.
I figured I could sleep for one last time and try again in the morning. Which I did, and then failed miserably again.
This time I started crying while I already had the rope around my neck.
I realized that cutting while doing it helped me calm down, but I panicked so much that somehow I ended up on the floor just crying and blading myself.
I gave up. My mom texted me right after I came to my senses asking me how my morning was and I felt too bad to go through with everything.

Thanks everyone for their kind words. Sadly today was not my day

You're very brave. SI is just incredibly strong. I know what panic attacks are. I wish you all the peace you deserve

 

[knickknack81]

No need to call yrself a dumbass. Nothing to be ashamed of. SI is very strong and it is more difficult to CTB than people think. I do hope you are able to find peace moving forward no matter what you do. And be aware that this site is always here for you.

 

[s00ngone]

I failed like a dumbass.
Yesternight I calmed down from the panic attack and tried to go through with the plan, but the moment I started getting dizzy, I freaked out and gave up.
I figured I could sleep for one last time and try again in the morning. Which I did, and then failed miserably again.
This time I started crying while I already had the rope around my neck.
I realized that cutting while doing it helped me calm down, but I panicked so much that somehow I ended up on the floor just crying and blading myself.
I gave up. My mom texted me right after I came to my senses asking me how my morning was and I felt too bad to go through with everything.

Thanks everyone for their kind words. Sadly today was not my day

Y'know, coming from someone who also seriously wanted to die last night but chose to sleep one last time, I feel for you. I'm sorry for every part of this. Trying to hang yourself through a panic attack, then crying and self harming? I can only imagine what kind of agony that was. And the innocent, unassuming text from family who don't have a clue. That guilt is so dense. It's a lump in the throat against the pain that leads someone to want to hang in the first place.

I'm sorry, breadliker123. I'm kicking myself for yesterday not being my day either, but I hope you can find kindness for yourself even in the confusing aftermath.

 

[breadliker123]

Y'know, coming from someone who also seriously wanted to die last night but chose to sleep one last time, I feel for you. I'm sorry for every part of this. Trying to hang yourself through a panic attack, then crying and self harming? I can only imagine what kind of agony that was. And the innocent, unassuming text from family who don't have a clue. That guilt is so dense. It's a lump in the throat against the pain that leads someone to want to hang in the first place.

I'm sorry, breadliker123. I'm kicking myself for yesterday not being my day either, but I hope you can find kindness for yourself even in the confusing aftermath.

The text from my mom was absolutely the worst part. Plus, right after I came out of the bathroom, I found out my dad had made breakfast for me.
I haven't had the heart to check if my neck is bruised, but it hurts like hell.

I'm sorry you couldn't find your peace either yesterday. My best wishes to you

 

[openBottomJeans]

I'm sorry for you. I'm ctbing myself tomorrow … and I am so so scared. I have to try soooo hard to push through the scary part. SI sucks.