Cant live with my mistakes

[restingplace]

Feels as If my whole life I've been an awful person, and it's not just my own irrational or negative thoughts. I know there's people out there who wholeheartedly believe I'm an awful person.

They aren't wrong. Like any other person, I've made a lot of mistakes but I don't seem to learn? Maybe I do, maybe it isn't even mistakes but others immaturity?

Most older people I speak to seem to agree with what I say but I don't really care who's wrong or right, this isn't that kind of situation.

I've been in therapy for almost 7 years now i believe, this is the one thing that I don't seem to be able to tackle. I know people make mistakes and it doesn't make them awful, but mine feel like they follow me around, and I can never be forgiven. Even if I am I can't really live with the fact that I have done bad things. That's a factor that makes me quite weak.

I still have the urge to reach out to people from years ago and apologise to them.


I feel guilty for using this site, my best friend knows I use it and he really doesn't like that fact. It's hard to escape when I'm so drawn into the culture of death and suicide, it's almost an infatuation, it's been there since I was very young.


I feel like I'm different to everyone else who feels guilty about their wrong doings. Usually those who feel guilty are usually forgiven for showing remorse but I feel I haven't or won't

 

[Spite]

I... I feel like I could have written this.

Immense guilt and shame for my past wrongdoings and my fuck-ups is one of my main reasons I want to die. It haunts me. I genuinely lose sleep over it sometimes and I can't shake off the feeling that I am an objectively terrible person. I feel very much the same way as you do.

That feeling of having done something that is permanent, that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you will never get another chance, or forgiveness? That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It's soul-destroying.

I don't know if there is any easy answer to overcoming this, I'm afraid. I think the best thing we can do, and this is something that has helped me a little bit, is to just... try your very best to avoid making any more regretable decisions. Minimise the chances of any more future regrets piling up. Nowadays I usually cope by keeping to myself a lot more and not saying much.. I know that's not the healthiest way to cope but I figure the less I'm around people and the less I speak the less chance I have of fucking up again. I also try to have patience and seriously think things through, deliberate, very carefully, for a very long time, before I make a decision.

Try to be a friend to yourself, too. I know that sounds really cliché and I'm sure you've heard that before, but really... just try to focus on what you can do in this present moment to make a better future for yourself.

Hope you feel better soon.